So the title of my last post was "A New World"... but after a brief moment of optimism, I'm back to reality. I still face harassment on a daily basis at work and then I have to come home to more issues than I've NEVER faced before... so I'll focus on the only thing that's keeping me going right now... my transition progress.
I've been back on been HRT for about 8 months now and am finally seeing some MAJOR changes.
The boobs are now boobs and there's no hiding them now. The uncomfortable stares from those who know me (but don't really know me) are annoying but worth it. At least now they shouldn't be shocked when I finally tell them that I'm transgender!
I love looking down to actually see cleavage... and the feeling of them pressing against my clothes throughout the day.
Oh... the clothes... The clothes I wore to conceal them before now enhance them... I could buy something different, but fuck it! I'm embracing the fact that I look more feminine now. It causes me more grief, but I think that being true to who I am is more important than how uncomfortable shallow bigots may become.
Recently, my arms have also become more feminine too. Although I LOVE the look and the sensitive, tingly feeling, I'm noticing a HUGE difference in my physical strength. I now find it's much harder to lift heavy objects than before... which is a real bummer.
The facial laser therapy is going pretty good as well. I no longer need to shave every day or wear concealer under my makeup to cover my "Italian razor stubble". (The pic on the right is a close up of me wearing only a light foundation). The downside is, when I do shave, it hurts like hell now... and if I don't shave, the stubble looks VERY inconsistent (the laser does not uniformly remove hairs so some areas are darker than others now).
That's all for now... I've gotta catch some Zzz's!
Be you, Be happy.
Dee
Personal thoughts and experiences from my long journey to becoming a self-confident transgender.
Saturday, December 1, 2018
Saturday, October 27, 2018
A New World - Transgender Turning Points
No posts since August? In August I lost my dog, my car, my job (sort of), and also my tenant (I have a rental apartment in my house, which I rely on to pay the remainder of my bills).
Wow... So much has happened since then...
I'll take each issue separately...
My Co-pilot... the grounding of my sanity... There is no good news there. I still, 2 months later, look down before I get off the sofa to make sure that I'm not stepping on him... I still go to do a lot of things that I used to do at certain times and then remember that he's not with me anymore... As much as I miss him, I have no plans in the immediate future to get another dog. As I am moving on to a new chapter in my life, I don't want to have ANY excuses to not pursue or participate in what I've denied myself for so many years by using the "I have to go home to my dog" excuse.
The Car: No positive here! Major issues for several months... major repair bills... then I got a hole in the gas tank... so I had only 1 day to find a new one. I stayed up for 24 hours researching the best options and the best dealers. Long story short, it's NOT my dream vehicle, but it's tech'ed out and I won't have to worry about repairs for the next 3 years (It's a lease... Everything, including taxes are included in the price). The one down side is it's another $400 a month! I hope nothing happens to my job or tenant!
The Job: Hmm... Yeah FUCK! The new upper management are homophobes who are trying to force me and my fellow trans co-workers out... so I thought that I was losing that too... But then I hash-tagged my employer's company name in a former post about harassment and removed a few days afterwards as I knew how homophobic certain people were there... Amazingly enough, a week later, someone from the corporate office called me, asking me questions about the harassment that I alleged in a report that I submitted 5 months before? They asked me for names (which I refused to give as I didn't want my situation to get worse there), but the "prime harassers" no longer work there, except for Helder, the homophobic instigator of the whole scenario. He still mocks me every night... all night... and makes my life a living hell. I tried to confront him directly, as has my direct manager, but each time we confront him, he only becomes worse... and they REFUSE to write him up or fire him. I'm looking for other jobs, but can't find anything that pays the same, so I'm forced to deal with it until I find something else.
The tenant: Anyone who knows New-England rentals knows that the prime time to rent is between May and September. If you don't rent by October 1st, you probably won't rent until the following May. My former tenant tells me a day after I get my new car that he "may" be moving out in October but I can't even show it until mid-September because the apartment is so "smelly" and dark... and he's not sure if he's moving? I went into panic mode for a few weeks but then I had a married, lesbian couple come by to look at at it it. Although they didn't have the income and references that other potential tenants had, I trusted my gut and rented it to them anyways. First of all, they were very cool, but I also knew that if they saw me dressed a bit feminine, heard high heels, or saw me going out in makeup, they wouldn't freak out. That was HUGE in changing my mindset and how I am able to live my life in my own house now. I hope that at some point I can get up the courage to talk to them about makeup tips and places to go... but I'm a bit hesitant as some of my very good friends who are lesbian are trans-phobic as well...
And now for something completely different: Yeah so... Life's not bliss but... I finally have a reliable car, my bosses are finally covering my back, and the apartment is finally rented for more than what the last tenant was paying (which helps with the added car payment)... And... the Red Sox are in the World Series!
The Estrogen has been changing my body a bit. My but, boobs, face and body are becoming a bit more feminine since I've been taking it... but the biggest change is internal...
Although I knew I was a girl for as long as I can remember, I've never totally accepted it... without doubt or regret... until recently. I finally feel happier, more confident, and optimistic...
It's no longer about trying to become a girl... I finally AM a GIRL!
That's SO huge in the way I see things now...
Wow... So much has happened since then...
I'll take each issue separately...
My Co-pilot... the grounding of my sanity... There is no good news there. I still, 2 months later, look down before I get off the sofa to make sure that I'm not stepping on him... I still go to do a lot of things that I used to do at certain times and then remember that he's not with me anymore... As much as I miss him, I have no plans in the immediate future to get another dog. As I am moving on to a new chapter in my life, I don't want to have ANY excuses to not pursue or participate in what I've denied myself for so many years by using the "I have to go home to my dog" excuse.
The Car: No positive here! Major issues for several months... major repair bills... then I got a hole in the gas tank... so I had only 1 day to find a new one. I stayed up for 24 hours researching the best options and the best dealers. Long story short, it's NOT my dream vehicle, but it's tech'ed out and I won't have to worry about repairs for the next 3 years (It's a lease... Everything, including taxes are included in the price). The one down side is it's another $400 a month! I hope nothing happens to my job or tenant!
The Job: Hmm... Yeah FUCK! The new upper management are homophobes who are trying to force me and my fellow trans co-workers out... so I thought that I was losing that too... But then I hash-tagged my employer's company name in a former post about harassment and removed a few days afterwards as I knew how homophobic certain people were there... Amazingly enough, a week later, someone from the corporate office called me, asking me questions about the harassment that I alleged in a report that I submitted 5 months before? They asked me for names (which I refused to give as I didn't want my situation to get worse there), but the "prime harassers" no longer work there, except for Helder, the homophobic instigator of the whole scenario. He still mocks me every night... all night... and makes my life a living hell. I tried to confront him directly, as has my direct manager, but each time we confront him, he only becomes worse... and they REFUSE to write him up or fire him. I'm looking for other jobs, but can't find anything that pays the same, so I'm forced to deal with it until I find something else.
The tenant: Anyone who knows New-England rentals knows that the prime time to rent is between May and September. If you don't rent by October 1st, you probably won't rent until the following May. My former tenant tells me a day after I get my new car that he "may" be moving out in October but I can't even show it until mid-September because the apartment is so "smelly" and dark... and he's not sure if he's moving? I went into panic mode for a few weeks but then I had a married, lesbian couple come by to look at at it it. Although they didn't have the income and references that other potential tenants had, I trusted my gut and rented it to them anyways. First of all, they were very cool, but I also knew that if they saw me dressed a bit feminine, heard high heels, or saw me going out in makeup, they wouldn't freak out. That was HUGE in changing my mindset and how I am able to live my life in my own house now. I hope that at some point I can get up the courage to talk to them about makeup tips and places to go... but I'm a bit hesitant as some of my very good friends who are lesbian are trans-phobic as well...
And now for something completely different: Yeah so... Life's not bliss but... I finally have a reliable car, my bosses are finally covering my back, and the apartment is finally rented for more than what the last tenant was paying (which helps with the added car payment)... And... the Red Sox are in the World Series!
The Estrogen has been changing my body a bit. My but, boobs, face and body are becoming a bit more feminine since I've been taking it... but the biggest change is internal...
Although I knew I was a girl for as long as I can remember, I've never totally accepted it... without doubt or regret... until recently. I finally feel happier, more confident, and optimistic...
It's no longer about trying to become a girl... I finally AM a GIRL!
That's SO huge in the way I see things now...
Sunday, August 19, 2018
To the best co-worker I've ever known... the co-pilot of my car...
the first mate of my kayak... my hiking partner... the engine to my
roller-blades... and my inspiration to get off the sofa and go play in
the snow...
You will be missed my friend...
He was the smartest being that I've ever met (far smarter than me).
You will be missed my friend...
He was the smartest being that I've ever met (far smarter than me).
He would unlock a dead-bolted door, just so he could greet me in the
front yard when I came home. He'd even unlock the bedroom window so he
could go out onto the porch roof and get a better view of when I was
driving back down our street.
I taught him not to bark when he was a puppy, but soon realized that I couldn't figure out what he wanted when he came up to me with that goofy grin and wagging that tail... so I taught him sign language... left swipe of the paw meant "I gotta go pee now!" and right swipe meant "Feed me now!"
Hmm... Can I teach him words too? That would be funny! I started to hold back his bowl before I fed him and said "Food", and "Water" before I laid down his water bowl. He quickly caught on and soon was coming up to me saying "Woood" and "Wadaah"!
There's so much more that I could go into but I won't drone on... there's really no need to, because as smart as he was, his best attribute is that he was a dog...
He always was happy to see me...
He always knew when I was having a bad day and forced me to laugh through the tears...
And he always forced me to go out and enjoy the real world instead of vedging out on my sofa...
A puppy at heart until the end, he seemed OK until last Saturday, when he a hard time going upstairs... then on Sunday, he needed a boost to stand up. On Monday, when I went to take him to the vet, I lifted him up and he had nothing left... he couldn't even stand up.
I carried him to the car and took him to the vet. She said that it seems he has severe hip dysplasia and had very little cartilage and muscles left in his hind section and that he would probably never walk again. She then said that he was too far gone to even operate on.
As he sat in my lap, he began to shake... looking between me and the vet. He somehow knew what we were talking about... It's like he was afraid to die. I was having a hard time holding it together and asked if I could use the bathroom, as I didn't want to loose it in front of him. I was so numb it was hard to walk... Covered in his pee and fighting back tears I made my way to the bathroom.
After several minutes of crying, I made my way back to the examination room and talked further with the vet. She told me to take my time before making the decision... so I again excused myself and went outside to clear my head. I began to think about what the vet said about him being too far gone, but could not understand how "terminal dysplasia" could go unnoticed by both myself and the vet until the last 3 days of his life. I began to piece together all of the other signs/symptoms that have transpired over the past couple of years and realized that he obviously has something else major going on for a long time... another underlying issue that both myself and the vet somehow never pieced together. Either way, he was inoperable, so I went back in sign the papers for "compassionate" termination of his life... I knew it was for the best, best it's the worst mind-fuck to make a conscious decision to kill anything... especially the being that has always been there for me for the past 13 years.
So on August 13th, one day before his 13th birthday, my friend quickly passed away in my arms.
You never realize how much a pet is a part of your life until they are gone (especially when you live alone). It's been 6 days since and I still look down every time I get off the sofa to make sure that I'm not going to step on him... I still check the water bowl every time I go into the kitchen... I still keep thinking that I have to get up to let him out... but the worst reality is when I come home to an empty house... and then when I go to bed, expecting his to hop up with me until I go to sleep (something I now find very hard to do)...
I was surprised to get a card from my vet a few days ago. I opened it to find a nice personal message inside along with a sympathy card which made my heart a little lighter. It read:
"By the edge of the wood, at the foot of the hill,
in a lush, green meadow where time stands still...
Where the friends of man and women do run,
when their time on Earth is over and done...
For there between this world and the next,
is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
for the rainbow bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
for here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care,
until one day they start, and sniff the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
they all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
the time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart,
has turned to joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
and then... side by side... they cross over... together."
#dog #pets #MansBestFreind
I taught him not to bark when he was a puppy, but soon realized that I couldn't figure out what he wanted when he came up to me with that goofy grin and wagging that tail... so I taught him sign language... left swipe of the paw meant "I gotta go pee now!" and right swipe meant "Feed me now!"
Hmm... Can I teach him words too? That would be funny! I started to hold back his bowl before I fed him and said "Food", and "Water" before I laid down his water bowl. He quickly caught on and soon was coming up to me saying "Woood" and "Wadaah"!
There's so much more that I could go into but I won't drone on... there's really no need to, because as smart as he was, his best attribute is that he was a dog...
He always was happy to see me...
He always knew when I was having a bad day and forced me to laugh through the tears...
And he always forced me to go out and enjoy the real world instead of vedging out on my sofa...
A puppy at heart until the end, he seemed OK until last Saturday, when he a hard time going upstairs... then on Sunday, he needed a boost to stand up. On Monday, when I went to take him to the vet, I lifted him up and he had nothing left... he couldn't even stand up.
I carried him to the car and took him to the vet. She said that it seems he has severe hip dysplasia and had very little cartilage and muscles left in his hind section and that he would probably never walk again. She then said that he was too far gone to even operate on.
As he sat in my lap, he began to shake... looking between me and the vet. He somehow knew what we were talking about... It's like he was afraid to die. I was having a hard time holding it together and asked if I could use the bathroom, as I didn't want to loose it in front of him. I was so numb it was hard to walk... Covered in his pee and fighting back tears I made my way to the bathroom.
After several minutes of crying, I made my way back to the examination room and talked further with the vet. She told me to take my time before making the decision... so I again excused myself and went outside to clear my head. I began to think about what the vet said about him being too far gone, but could not understand how "terminal dysplasia" could go unnoticed by both myself and the vet until the last 3 days of his life. I began to piece together all of the other signs/symptoms that have transpired over the past couple of years and realized that he obviously has something else major going on for a long time... another underlying issue that both myself and the vet somehow never pieced together. Either way, he was inoperable, so I went back in sign the papers for "compassionate" termination of his life... I knew it was for the best, best it's the worst mind-fuck to make a conscious decision to kill anything... especially the being that has always been there for me for the past 13 years.
So on August 13th, one day before his 13th birthday, my friend quickly passed away in my arms.
You never realize how much a pet is a part of your life until they are gone (especially when you live alone). It's been 6 days since and I still look down every time I get off the sofa to make sure that I'm not going to step on him... I still check the water bowl every time I go into the kitchen... I still keep thinking that I have to get up to let him out... but the worst reality is when I come home to an empty house... and then when I go to bed, expecting his to hop up with me until I go to sleep (something I now find very hard to do)...
I was surprised to get a card from my vet a few days ago. I opened it to find a nice personal message inside along with a sympathy card which made my heart a little lighter. It read:
"By the edge of the wood, at the foot of the hill,
in a lush, green meadow where time stands still...
Where the friends of man and women do run,
when their time on Earth is over and done...
For there between this world and the next,
is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait and they play,
for the rainbow bridge they cross over one day.
No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
for here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
They romp through the grass, without even a care,
until one day they start, and sniff the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
they all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
the time of their parting is over at last.
The sadness they felt while they were apart,
has turned to joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
and then... side by side... they cross over... together."
#dog #pets #MansBestFreind
Friday, August 10, 2018
Transgender Transition - Work Harassment Continues
I should have gone to a lawyer... but I didn't. I even had a fellow employee (who doesn't even know that I'm transgender) say that I should go to one because I have a MAJOR harassment claim... but foolishly, that's not what I'm about...
For a person that has a high IQ, I'm SO stupid sometimes... I should have taken their advice!
About 3 weeks ago, another employee (who I overheard "Gay mocking me" with other employees) purposely went out of his way again to make my nightly tasks harder on me. When I tried to reason with him (several times, even adding "Can you please" several times into the request), he turned around and HE ACTUALLY HIT ME!
What the fuck???
If I was outside of work, I would have decked him, but as I can't afford to loose my job, I re-approached him and said that's not cool and I could report that to the manager. He turned around, gave me the finger and said, "Fuck you".
My company's policy, as I was previously told by my manager is "Anyone who is involved in a fight, even if it's in self-defense, is fired". As I knew that this would obviously escalate, I did report it to my manager. Not to get anyone fired... just to stop the bullshit before it got worse.
They pulled the video, which backs my report... but today, I got pulled into the office and written-up for "unproductive behavior as witnessed on the video"... WTF you say? Yes I did too.
It was explained to me that I should have let him shit on me without complaining or confronting him and reported it immediately to my manager prior to letting it escalate to the point where he felt he had to hit me. WTF???
I calmly stated the irony about how, if I did it his way instead of the way I was calmly handling it, I would have wasted a half an hour... and that REALLY would have been unproductive behavior.
He again said that I was wrong for "letting it escalate"... and then went on to say that he didn't understand my previous claim of being harassed either.
So apparently, he doesn't see that being constantly called faggot and constantly being denied the use of machinery that I need to do my job as harassment... and I'm not supposed attempt to reason with any homo-phoebes that harass me, I should report EVERYTHING directly to a manager instead, which will waste multiple work hours (mine, the manager's and the employee that I'm supposed to rat on)... and will only lead (as I found out the hard way) to more harassment and retribution. I guess he's had a pretty sheltered life...
But it's obvious to me (from the wording in the write-up) that they are trying to document "just cause" for terminating me... the one that's being harassed...
In the weeks since the previous incident, I've been researching other "transgender-friendly companies" and employee complaints and I've been finding similar posts.
All I ask is that I can go to work, put in a hard days work, pay my bills, and not be harassed. Is that too much to ask???
I can't remember the last time I actually got a good night's sleep without waking up an hour after I go to bed, pissed of about something that was done or said to me at work.... Oh yes I can... it was before I started working there...
I should look for another job but seriously... What if it turns out to be even worse than this?
The moral of the story is: Even though a company may say they are "transgender-friendly" and have strict "non-harassment policies", if the employees and managers are clueless and homo-phoebes, you still run the risk of being put through hell for just showing up for work and trying to put in a good days work.
We need to stand up and speak out. Many of these companies that claim to be "transgender-friendly" think that by seeming "liberal" they will convince prospective employees to accept a job offer for far below market rate. A few even may do it for the right reasons but don't have any localized complaints process. Whatever the case may be, do you research and research complaints as well.
If you are already working for a company that prefers to ignore harassment and punishes the harassed, thus making your life a living hell, let the corporate offices know that what they printed on paper is NOT what is being followed.
#transgender #employment #workissues #harassment #discrimination #employment #transgender-friendly
For a person that has a high IQ, I'm SO stupid sometimes... I should have taken their advice!
About 3 weeks ago, another employee (who I overheard "Gay mocking me" with other employees) purposely went out of his way again to make my nightly tasks harder on me. When I tried to reason with him (several times, even adding "Can you please" several times into the request), he turned around and HE ACTUALLY HIT ME!
What the fuck???
If I was outside of work, I would have decked him, but as I can't afford to loose my job, I re-approached him and said that's not cool and I could report that to the manager. He turned around, gave me the finger and said, "Fuck you".
My company's policy, as I was previously told by my manager is "Anyone who is involved in a fight, even if it's in self-defense, is fired". As I knew that this would obviously escalate, I did report it to my manager. Not to get anyone fired... just to stop the bullshit before it got worse.
They pulled the video, which backs my report... but today, I got pulled into the office and written-up for "unproductive behavior as witnessed on the video"... WTF you say? Yes I did too.
It was explained to me that I should have let him shit on me without complaining or confronting him and reported it immediately to my manager prior to letting it escalate to the point where he felt he had to hit me. WTF???
I calmly stated the irony about how, if I did it his way instead of the way I was calmly handling it, I would have wasted a half an hour... and that REALLY would have been unproductive behavior.
He again said that I was wrong for "letting it escalate"... and then went on to say that he didn't understand my previous claim of being harassed either.
So apparently, he doesn't see that being constantly called faggot and constantly being denied the use of machinery that I need to do my job as harassment... and I'm not supposed attempt to reason with any homo-phoebes that harass me, I should report EVERYTHING directly to a manager instead, which will waste multiple work hours (mine, the manager's and the employee that I'm supposed to rat on)... and will only lead (as I found out the hard way) to more harassment and retribution. I guess he's had a pretty sheltered life...
But it's obvious to me (from the wording in the write-up) that they are trying to document "just cause" for terminating me... the one that's being harassed...
In the weeks since the previous incident, I've been researching other "transgender-friendly companies" and employee complaints and I've been finding similar posts.
All I ask is that I can go to work, put in a hard days work, pay my bills, and not be harassed. Is that too much to ask???
I can't remember the last time I actually got a good night's sleep without waking up an hour after I go to bed, pissed of about something that was done or said to me at work.... Oh yes I can... it was before I started working there...
I should look for another job but seriously... What if it turns out to be even worse than this?
The moral of the story is: Even though a company may say they are "transgender-friendly" and have strict "non-harassment policies", if the employees and managers are clueless and homo-phoebes, you still run the risk of being put through hell for just showing up for work and trying to put in a good days work.
We need to stand up and speak out. Many of these companies that claim to be "transgender-friendly" think that by seeming "liberal" they will convince prospective employees to accept a job offer for far below market rate. A few even may do it for the right reasons but don't have any localized complaints process. Whatever the case may be, do you research and research complaints as well.
If you are already working for a company that prefers to ignore harassment and punishes the harassed, thus making your life a living hell, let the corporate offices know that what they printed on paper is NOT what is being followed.
#transgender #employment #workissues #harassment #discrimination #employment #transgender-friendly
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Transgender Transition - Work Harassment
Last year, while looking for a new job, I researched transgender-friendly companies online and several were recommended. I was happy to notice that one of them was hiring for a local outlet. I immediately applied and got the job. Although the pay was FAR LESS that what I was making, I took the job based upon, not only their reputation and policies against anti-harassment, but also seeing someone whom I assumed was transgender working there when I walked in and others who I could see were gay. They even had other stores throughout the country and in Canada, so if I do move, I can just transfer! This must be a great place to work during my transition right? WRONG. SO WRONG.
After most of the employees went inside (and it was only
myself, another co-worker, and Vic outside), he decided to stay out (in my opinion to
show that he was not intimidated be me). He went over to my other co-worker and began to
talk about non-related things. When neither one of us responded, I noticed the
look in his eyes… To me, it was the look of a frustrated high-school bully that
just realized that he lost his reputation by being put in his place by someone
much smaller than himself.
Well... I guess he is getting his wish... a week after the incident, the HR manager is demanding an incident report from me. The report I submitted is very similar to what is written here... They homo-phobic employee was spoken too (not suspended or fired for subjecting me to 7 months of harassment... just spoken to) and again, things immediately got worse. He went to each employee and told them what was said. I'm also assuming he mentioned something about me being transgender to them as well as every co-worker from that point on began to look at me strangely, most refused to talk to me and some even laughed in my face.
7 months of hell... 7 months of harassment that was so bad (even after reporting it several times to management) that I'd get panic attacks some nights before going to work... If they fire me for standing up for myself after they refused to... I'm contacting a lawyer and taking this to the press and media... in the hopes that no one else will have to endure what I have for the past 7 months... at a company that claims to be transgender friendly.
Side notes: I don't "rat" on co-workers. When I have a problem with them, I approach them directly and resolve the issue. As it did not work here, I opted to explain the issue with a manager WITH the co-worker present. Also, I am not a patsy and have never let others speak to me in the way that people here have. I only allowed it for as long as I did because I did not want to loose my job.
#transgenderissues #transgenderemployment #homophobes #harassment #girlslikeus
Soon after starting my employment, I heard several
employees mocking the employee I presumed was transgender. They found photos of him online in a dress and make-up. As most of the comments were made out of ignorance, I offered my
viewpoint in hopes of educating them on their misconceptions.
Although the most of employees involved in the conversation
were OK with me defending the other employee’s lifestyle, one was not. He began
to harass me in various ways, including constantly demanding that I get off the machinery as soon I’d start to use it (thus not allowing me to do me job).
After confronting him about that in front of a manager, he
stopped harassing me directly; opting instead to create a rift between myself
and other co-workers and then coaching them on things to do to harass me.
This led to me having to endure several months of harassment
in various forms, including one employee being coached to call me “faggot” in
Portuguese (which he did on a constant basis). I overheard the conversation leading up to that where my homophobic co-worker told the harasser, " If you call him "Americone" you won't get fired for it... If he complains, you can say that you were just calling him "American!"
I reported several of the issues to management, which ultimately turned
out with me being harassed even further.
Soon after that began, They hired a new guy named Vic. One day, I went to use an order picker that
was in the department of the employee who refused to let me use it before. To
avoid conflict, I asked him if he was going to use it and if he’d mind if I
did. He very nicely said, “No. You can use it” and then immediately told Vic to
go take the order picker from me.
Vic rushed up to me and began yelling at me, demanding that
I get off the machine so he could use it. When I told him that I just got on
it, he again demanded that I didn't get off it, he’d “kick my ass”.
To avoid conflict, I got off the machine and told my
supervisor, who then spoke with Vic. Although Vic came to me to apologize,
several hours later he began with verbal harassment which proceeded non-stop
ever since.
He began, amougst other things, to constantly "scream-chant" my name
in a way that I can only describe as a “gay-bash slurring”. This became
non-stop throughout the night… and every night. One several occasions, many of
which were witnessed be co-workers and management, I asked him to stop doing
that as it offended me. He would initially apologize but then go back to doing
it again minutes later… even louder and more offensive than before.
I repeatedly asked him (in front of co-workers and management) to stop, as I found it offensive. One night, before break, I again asked him to stop again. Again he apologized and we all went
outside on break. I was standing approximately 12 feet from him when he again
began with the verbal harassment.
After repeatedly asking him nicely for months to stop
harassing me and repeatedly going to management (only to be harassed and
threatened further), I yelled “I’m tired of being harassed by you. This is
going to stop!” Several words were said back and forth and out of self-defense,
I stated, “Look at you. You’re a Hell of a lot bigger than I am. If it comes
down to it, it’s going to end up with one punch and you’ll be in the hospital.”
This was not said to antagonize him but rather in hopes of intimidating him to
back down and stop harassing me.
In my opinion, that is the only reason (aside from also probably being encouraged by the homo-phoebe) why he soon reported what
had happened outside to the manager… to get me fired as retribution.
7 months of hell... 7 months of harassment that was so bad (even after reporting it several times to management) that I'd get panic attacks some nights before going to work... If they fire me for standing up for myself after they refused to... I'm contacting a lawyer and taking this to the press and media... in the hopes that no one else will have to endure what I have for the past 7 months... at a company that claims to be transgender friendly.
Side notes: I don't "rat" on co-workers. When I have a problem with them, I approach them directly and resolve the issue. As it did not work here, I opted to explain the issue with a manager WITH the co-worker present. Also, I am not a patsy and have never let others speak to me in the way that people here have. I only allowed it for as long as I did because I did not want to loose my job.
#transgenderissues #transgenderemployment #homophobes #harassment #girlslikeus
Sunday, May 27, 2018
Transgender Transition - Estrofem vs Estrogel - Day 43
I've taken another brave step in beginning laser treatments on my
face as well. I'm supersized how quickly the hair is disappearing and
very happy with the fact that I don't have to shave every day now!
So... the hormone replacement therapy is going very well. My boobs, bum and hips continue to fill out. Although I said before that I prefer to slowly transition, I'm SO eager now to at least get to the point where my body is at least androgynous (looking as much female as it does male).
The transformation is definitely happening quicker than when I was taking Estrofem with Spirotone... and, although my "friend" is a bit slimmer, it hasn't lost any length (something I'm not ready to sacrifice right now).
I do feel much more mellow and a bit happier after I taking my Estrogel... and become somewhat miserable if I miss a dose. This is not because of a "feminine rush"... it's just due to a hormone imbalance that I recently discovered that I had.
So... the hormone replacement therapy is going very well. My boobs, bum and hips continue to fill out. Although I said before that I prefer to slowly transition, I'm SO eager now to at least get to the point where my body is at least androgynous (looking as much female as it does male).
The transformation is definitely happening quicker than when I was taking Estrofem with Spirotone... and, although my "friend" is a bit slimmer, it hasn't lost any length (something I'm not ready to sacrifice right now).
I do feel much more mellow and a bit happier after I taking my Estrogel... and become somewhat miserable if I miss a dose. This is not because of a "feminine rush"... it's just due to a hormone imbalance that I recently discovered that I had.
Wednesday, May 9, 2018
Transgender Transition - Estrofem vs Estrogel - Day 28
Wow! I can't believe it's only been 28 days!
Well... still no "tingly, girlie-girl feeling" from the Estrogel. I'm finding that is the biggest difference between the two. Estrofem (pills) made me feel girlie and then I began to notice changes in my body... where as with the Estrogel, I feel my body changing and then I feel more girlie.
Yes, with the Estrogel, my body is far more sensitive to the physical changes. I'm VERY aware of my ass and thighs getting larger... with each step I take... as they rub against my clothes... and I'm also VERY aware of my nipples and boobs getting larger as they begin to swell against my tank tops. So no "tingly, girlie-girl rush" of the pills, but being constantly reminded of how I'm becoming more feminine each day is VERY pleasant as well.
Another major difference is in my boobs. Estrofem made my boobs pointier and perkier, but on Estrogel, they are becoming larger and rounder. Estrofem was transforming me into a perky A cup with the potential of becoming a nice B... but the Estrogel seems to be rounding the T's and A's out a LOT more! It's looking like the girls are gonna become a C cup at some point! Wow! Who would have thought that?
Side story: I slipped into one of my favorite spring dresses the other day and the strap over my right boob ripped completely off! Normally, most people would be bummed out about that happening to one of their favorite outfits.. but I was actually glad! My boobs (and bum) are already getting so much bigger that I'm actually not fitting into many of my old clothes! It's not due to weight gain... because as hard as I've tried to put on a few more pounds (eating 4000+ calories per day)... I'm still about the same weight... but my workout regiment (which is more intense than when I was on Estrofem) or the fact that I'm not taking the "male blockers" this time... may have something to do with the physical differences between the two. Whatever the reason, I'm happy with the results so far and, for the first time in a long time, I'm an excited and hopeful of what lies ahead for me!
Be you,
Be happy,
Dee
Well... still no "tingly, girlie-girl feeling" from the Estrogel. I'm finding that is the biggest difference between the two. Estrofem (pills) made me feel girlie and then I began to notice changes in my body... where as with the Estrogel, I feel my body changing and then I feel more girlie.
Yes, with the Estrogel, my body is far more sensitive to the physical changes. I'm VERY aware of my ass and thighs getting larger... with each step I take... as they rub against my clothes... and I'm also VERY aware of my nipples and boobs getting larger as they begin to swell against my tank tops. So no "tingly, girlie-girl rush" of the pills, but being constantly reminded of how I'm becoming more feminine each day is VERY pleasant as well.
Another major difference is in my boobs. Estrofem made my boobs pointier and perkier, but on Estrogel, they are becoming larger and rounder. Estrofem was transforming me into a perky A cup with the potential of becoming a nice B... but the Estrogel seems to be rounding the T's and A's out a LOT more! It's looking like the girls are gonna become a C cup at some point! Wow! Who would have thought that?
Side story: I slipped into one of my favorite spring dresses the other day and the strap over my right boob ripped completely off! Normally, most people would be bummed out about that happening to one of their favorite outfits.. but I was actually glad! My boobs (and bum) are already getting so much bigger that I'm actually not fitting into many of my old clothes! It's not due to weight gain... because as hard as I've tried to put on a few more pounds (eating 4000+ calories per day)... I'm still about the same weight... but my workout regiment (which is more intense than when I was on Estrofem) or the fact that I'm not taking the "male blockers" this time... may have something to do with the physical differences between the two. Whatever the reason, I'm happy with the results so far and, for the first time in a long time, I'm an excited and hopeful of what lies ahead for me!
Be you,
Be happy,
Dee
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Transgender Transformations Transcend Tradition
Yeah... So the title was overly cheesy... but is that what felt like using... as I'm getting into being me again!
I've decided (for now) to just be me and become full "A-la-fem"!
Along with the HRT, I started "over-tweezing" again and am "over doing" the Laser Therapy for hair removal (you need to remove what you want to before you get a suntan, so I need to do it now).
It's the new "Surprise, I'm a girl!" philosophy I recently adopted... I'm not planning on coming out to anyone this year.... but it's going to be so friggen obvious that they'll either know or just flat out ask me!
Considering the rest of my life sucks right now, I've got ABSOLUTELY nothing left to loose... and everything to gain... by embracing who I am... who I want to be... and who I need to be!
Be You...
Be Happy...
Dee
I've decided (for now) to just be me and become full "A-la-fem"!
Along with the HRT, I started "over-tweezing" again and am "over doing" the Laser Therapy for hair removal (you need to remove what you want to before you get a suntan, so I need to do it now).
It's the new "Surprise, I'm a girl!" philosophy I recently adopted... I'm not planning on coming out to anyone this year.... but it's going to be so friggen obvious that they'll either know or just flat out ask me!
Considering the rest of my life sucks right now, I've got ABSOLUTELY nothing left to loose... and everything to gain... by embracing who I am... who I want to be... and who I need to be!
Be You...
Be Happy...
Dee
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Transgender Transition - Estrofem vs Estrogel - Day 10
From the first dosage of Estrofem (tablets), I felt a "feminine rush" throughout my body for several hours after taking them. My body tingled and I felt so much more "girlie". I was hoping the same with the Estrogel, but I've actually only felt dizzy after applying it (no "feminine rush" at all)... until now...
Soon after spreading the Estrogel over my hips last night (day 10), I began to feel SO feminine. The fact that my hips were tingling also helped to solidify the feeling... as each step I took made me feel more feminine!
My body, my mind, and my soul felt so feminine for the past 12 hours! I didn't even try to "tom-boy-it-up" when I was around other co-workers. I was feeling totally girlie-girl and didn't want to stop the feeling.
Although I'm (today) feeling more feminine than with the Estrofem and my face is already beginning to look more feminine (the photo to the right), I do miss the tingling throughout my whole body that Estrofem provided me. Hopefully that will come in time... and hopefully I will continue to feel as feminine as I did last night and today... time will tell and I'll keep you updated.
Side note for those who want to feel feminine but are NOT looking to become a woman: The sensation comes with a price... If you read my blogs from the last time I took Estrogen... becoming more girlie may also mean your little "masculine buddy" may become smaller... so you need to decide what is more important to you and your future happiness before you partake ANY female medications, therapies and/or permanent transitions... aside from manscaping...
Yes... PLEASE feel free to trim and tweeze your eyebrows!
Side note 2: Please feel free to comment if you find this blog helpful. Although I don't check my Gmail and posts as often as I'd like to, it really makes my day when I hear that I have been able to help others understand themselves better... or even maybe just brightened up their day!
Be you...
Be happy...
Dee
Soon after spreading the Estrogel over my hips last night (day 10), I began to feel SO feminine. The fact that my hips were tingling also helped to solidify the feeling... as each step I took made me feel more feminine!
My body, my mind, and my soul felt so feminine for the past 12 hours! I didn't even try to "tom-boy-it-up" when I was around other co-workers. I was feeling totally girlie-girl and didn't want to stop the feeling.Although I'm (today) feeling more feminine than with the Estrofem and my face is already beginning to look more feminine (the photo to the right), I do miss the tingling throughout my whole body that Estrofem provided me. Hopefully that will come in time... and hopefully I will continue to feel as feminine as I did last night and today... time will tell and I'll keep you updated.
Side note for those who want to feel feminine but are NOT looking to become a woman: The sensation comes with a price... If you read my blogs from the last time I took Estrogen... becoming more girlie may also mean your little "masculine buddy" may become smaller... so you need to decide what is more important to you and your future happiness before you partake ANY female medications, therapies and/or permanent transitions... aside from manscaping...
Yes... PLEASE feel free to trim and tweeze your eyebrows!
Side note 2: Please feel free to comment if you find this blog helpful. Although I don't check my Gmail and posts as often as I'd like to, it really makes my day when I hear that I have been able to help others understand themselves better... or even maybe just brightened up their day!
Be you...
Be happy...
Dee
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Transgender HRT Update - Estrogen Pills versus Estrogen Gel
Well I got the HRT meds on Wednesday (4 days ago)...
The last time I was on HRT, I took the pill version (Estrofem) along with a male testosterone blocker (which is suggested if you take the pills, so you don't screw up your liver). This time I opted for the gel as I don't want to reduce "my buddy's size" right now and I can control the dosages (which the patch doesn't allow for).
Although it's only been a few days, I'm feeling much calmer then before... and am getting back to the IDGAF attitude that I had the last time that I was on HRT... and surprisingly, I can see a bit clearer??? (My eyesight, even with glasses, has been off recently... but after going back on HRT, it's back to what it was before... weird right?). The negative is I've had less energy and am a dizzy... but hopefully that will wear off with time.
Gel vs Pills (so far): Soon after taking the pill form, I felt SO GIRLIE... my skin also became very sensitive (especially my nipples). With the gel so far, I'm actually feeling less feminine than before I started it. Again, hopefully that will change, but if not, I'll switch over to the patch or possible injections (as much as I hate needles). I'll update the blog once I notice any other changes/differences. It may just be that the recommended dosage for the gel is less than for the pills...
Reality and Regret: I started this blog in 2012, soon after I started HRT, to chronicle my journey for those who were considering following the same path. As I was concerned about how quickly my breast were growing and what people might say or think, I slowed the dosages down dramatically after about 10 months and stopped it all together after about a year and a half. Looking back in 2018, I wasted 5 years of my life by worrying about what others may think.
In reality, I should have let the T&A grow out... I would have been much happier with myself, much further along, and, if anyone commented about it, it would have been a good "ice-breaker" for saying, "well I'm actually transgender".
Hopefully, I won't make the same mistake again. Life's too short and I'm tired of waiting to become the woman that I've always wanted to be.
Whatever your goals and dreams are... stay true to them... and yourself...
Be you. Be happy.
Dee
The last time I was on HRT, I took the pill version (Estrofem) along with a male testosterone blocker (which is suggested if you take the pills, so you don't screw up your liver). This time I opted for the gel as I don't want to reduce "my buddy's size" right now and I can control the dosages (which the patch doesn't allow for).
Although it's only been a few days, I'm feeling much calmer then before... and am getting back to the IDGAF attitude that I had the last time that I was on HRT... and surprisingly, I can see a bit clearer??? (My eyesight, even with glasses, has been off recently... but after going back on HRT, it's back to what it was before... weird right?). The negative is I've had less energy and am a dizzy... but hopefully that will wear off with time.
Gel vs Pills (so far): Soon after taking the pill form, I felt SO GIRLIE... my skin also became very sensitive (especially my nipples). With the gel so far, I'm actually feeling less feminine than before I started it. Again, hopefully that will change, but if not, I'll switch over to the patch or possible injections (as much as I hate needles). I'll update the blog once I notice any other changes/differences. It may just be that the recommended dosage for the gel is less than for the pills...
Reality and Regret: I started this blog in 2012, soon after I started HRT, to chronicle my journey for those who were considering following the same path. As I was concerned about how quickly my breast were growing and what people might say or think, I slowed the dosages down dramatically after about 10 months and stopped it all together after about a year and a half. Looking back in 2018, I wasted 5 years of my life by worrying about what others may think.
In reality, I should have let the T&A grow out... I would have been much happier with myself, much further along, and, if anyone commented about it, it would have been a good "ice-breaker" for saying, "well I'm actually transgender".
Hopefully, I won't make the same mistake again. Life's too short and I'm tired of waiting to become the woman that I've always wanted to be.
Whatever your goals and dreams are... stay true to them... and yourself...
Be you. Be happy.
Dee
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Trangender Update: Coming out to family, Employment & Self-esteem
Sorry it's been so long since the last update...
Truth is... it's been hell and...
A: I don't like to whine... and
B: I've had NO motivation to post ANYTHING on social media lately...
but I'm finally trying to make Lemons from Lemonade again.
Lemon: The schooling thing was a big waste of time and a LOT of money... It was the professor's 3rd job and he spent most nights sleeping through the class (or texting) when he should have been teaching us. Come to find out, this is the third time that he taught this class and not one of his students was ever certified.
Lemonade: At least it got me out of my funk... sort of.
Lemon: Coming out to my sister was a big waste of time as she finally made it clear that she doesn't want to accept me as a sister... but will humor me if need be to keep me in her life (as I will most likely be her only remaining family member left in the near future...).
Lemonade: That (and the ridiculous and hateful family dramas that has been going on lately) has made my decision to move away that much easier...
Lemon: The new job SUCKS and gets worse every week...
One of the main reasons why I decided to work for this company is that it was "supposedly" one of the most transgender friendly companies in the country... yet I've run into so many situations of co-workers calling me "faggot" and other demeaning comments...
Also... me being me... giving 100%... I'm once again doing not only my work, but also being asked to do the work of all of my fellow employees as well... Yes. we all get paid the same... but I get stuck with most of the workload... once again...
Lemonade: The job sucks and if I do leave there, I don't plan in keeping in touch with anyone there anymore... so I've been using that to my advantage.
As I usually work by myself, I've been practicing my feminine walk and mannerisms while I work. Truth be known, it's now become my new "normal mode" and I find myself having to try to act masculine when around others!
Moving On: There are SO many other negative things that I could list (that have happened since the last post) that I won't go into...
As I said before... I've been through hell... but now it's time to move on.
I decided to go back on HRT... I'm not waiting until I move and/or until things get better before I go "Full-fem". Being feminine and being my true self is the one and only thing that gives me any sense of joy anymore... and I'm not going to deny myself of that.
Life is too short and I'm not waiting any longer.
I realize that I'm bringing on more drama and more pain... but after loosing so much... it's time to trust in the only things that I know are real... the way I truly feel... and who I've always wanted to be.
Truth is... it's been hell and...
A: I don't like to whine... and
B: I've had NO motivation to post ANYTHING on social media lately...
but I'm finally trying to make Lemons from Lemonade again.
Lemon: The schooling thing was a big waste of time and a LOT of money... It was the professor's 3rd job and he spent most nights sleeping through the class (or texting) when he should have been teaching us. Come to find out, this is the third time that he taught this class and not one of his students was ever certified.
Lemonade: At least it got me out of my funk... sort of.
Lemon: Coming out to my sister was a big waste of time as she finally made it clear that she doesn't want to accept me as a sister... but will humor me if need be to keep me in her life (as I will most likely be her only remaining family member left in the near future...).Lemonade: That (and the ridiculous and hateful family dramas that has been going on lately) has made my decision to move away that much easier...
Lemon: The new job SUCKS and gets worse every week...
One of the main reasons why I decided to work for this company is that it was "supposedly" one of the most transgender friendly companies in the country... yet I've run into so many situations of co-workers calling me "faggot" and other demeaning comments...
Also... me being me... giving 100%... I'm once again doing not only my work, but also being asked to do the work of all of my fellow employees as well... Yes. we all get paid the same... but I get stuck with most of the workload... once again...
Lemonade: The job sucks and if I do leave there, I don't plan in keeping in touch with anyone there anymore... so I've been using that to my advantage.
As I usually work by myself, I've been practicing my feminine walk and mannerisms while I work. Truth be known, it's now become my new "normal mode" and I find myself having to try to act masculine when around others!
Moving On: There are SO many other negative things that I could list (that have happened since the last post) that I won't go into...
As I said before... I've been through hell... but now it's time to move on.
I decided to go back on HRT... I'm not waiting until I move and/or until things get better before I go "Full-fem". Being feminine and being my true self is the one and only thing that gives me any sense of joy anymore... and I'm not going to deny myself of that.
Life is too short and I'm not waiting any longer.
I realize that I'm bringing on more drama and more pain... but after loosing so much... it's time to trust in the only things that I know are real... the way I truly feel... and who I've always wanted to be.
Monday, October 30, 2017
Finding Employment and Who Your True Friends are on Your Transgenger Journey
Well it's been a quick month since my last post... and a long, painful year since I lost my 2nd job.
I wasted a day going up to see my biggest web client which was a big mistake... as he was horrendously mean. Even though I've brought his company hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, the first words out of his mouth were, "I want you to give me a thousand dollar refund!" He has been making huge mistakes with his company and is trying to squeeze the lost money from his vendors. Needles to say, I refused and lost the contract. Despite that and the lack of the second job, I somehow managed to pay my bills for the month.
The motivation of being back in school has also waned. As my professor is juggling 3 jobs, he seems to be less than motivated to be interactive during class and is not being clear on what our homework assignments are supposed to be... so I'm left to guess as far as what chapter I'm actually supposed to study next. Combine that with me not being able to retain everything I'm studying and you can see why I'm less than optimistic about the time, effort and money that I sank into this course.
On a good note, Today I went on through quickest (and probably the best) interview process that I've ever been through and was hired on the spot (pending a drug test and records check). I usually hate interviews and suck at them but today went well. The money isn't great, but the schedule is perfect, it will get me out of the house, and it will also help me to pay the mortgage.
As it has been one year of hell... I'm starting to look back on it and realize once again that the few people that I actually confided in... the few people who could have helped... the few people that I reached out to because I know that they could have gotten me a job... well... they didn't seem to really care a whole hell of a lot. They were too tied up in their own issues and also didn't want to look bad by recommending me to a company for employment in my depressed state. Once again, I found out that the only person that I can count on is me.
I'll use that as a motivational force as I move on. I will use that to inspire me to find a new community and group of friends who really do care... who are willing to reciprocate the love and empathy that I give towards them.
I'm (hopefully) back on track...
Step 1: Pay the Bills & Continue My Transition
Step 2: Plan & Move Somewhere that is Trans Friendly
Step 3: Legally Change My Name (and don't give the info to the homo-phoebes in my circle and/or those who aren't there for me)
I wasted a day going up to see my biggest web client which was a big mistake... as he was horrendously mean. Even though I've brought his company hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, the first words out of his mouth were, "I want you to give me a thousand dollar refund!" He has been making huge mistakes with his company and is trying to squeeze the lost money from his vendors. Needles to say, I refused and lost the contract. Despite that and the lack of the second job, I somehow managed to pay my bills for the month.The motivation of being back in school has also waned. As my professor is juggling 3 jobs, he seems to be less than motivated to be interactive during class and is not being clear on what our homework assignments are supposed to be... so I'm left to guess as far as what chapter I'm actually supposed to study next. Combine that with me not being able to retain everything I'm studying and you can see why I'm less than optimistic about the time, effort and money that I sank into this course.
On a good note, Today I went on through quickest (and probably the best) interview process that I've ever been through and was hired on the spot (pending a drug test and records check). I usually hate interviews and suck at them but today went well. The money isn't great, but the schedule is perfect, it will get me out of the house, and it will also help me to pay the mortgage.
As it has been one year of hell... I'm starting to look back on it and realize once again that the few people that I actually confided in... the few people who could have helped... the few people that I reached out to because I know that they could have gotten me a job... well... they didn't seem to really care a whole hell of a lot. They were too tied up in their own issues and also didn't want to look bad by recommending me to a company for employment in my depressed state. Once again, I found out that the only person that I can count on is me.
I'll use that as a motivational force as I move on. I will use that to inspire me to find a new community and group of friends who really do care... who are willing to reciprocate the love and empathy that I give towards them.
I'm (hopefully) back on track...
Step 1: Pay the Bills & Continue My Transition
Step 2: Plan & Move Somewhere that is Trans Friendly
Step 3: Legally Change My Name (and don't give the info to the homo-phoebes in my circle and/or those who aren't there for me)
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Trangender Motivation... Transgender Hope
Antisocial Month: It's been a long, hard month since my last post. As I desperately needed to come up with money to pay the bills and mortgage, I found myself withdrawing even more... sleeping all day and not even applying for jobs.
"This is NOT ME!" "I always bounce back." "I always do well under pressure."
"WOW! I guess my Depression & Agoraphobia is far worse than I thought! I need to do something drastic!"
I decide to take another "leap of faith". Although I have ZERO dollars left in my bank account, last week, I decide to go back to school and get certified as an A+ technician (which is VERY expensive).
Rewind Time: I went to college for IT a long time ago... and did it for a while... but that was years ago.
So much has changed since then... and ALL employers now want people who are recently certified.
Fast Forward: The courses are VERY intensive! We are cramming an entire semester course in every 2 weeks... So basically, I'm doing the equivalent of 6 to 8 college courses (along with all the homework) within 13 weeks! Not so easy for me considering the state I've been in for the last year.
That being said, last week was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I did NOT have ANY nightmares.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually had a reason to get up.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually was motivated to do what needed to be done (Beyond the school stuff... I was actually motivated to do the home stuff and the money stuff as well).
The Moral of This Story: A life without hope makes you become hopeless.
If you feel hopeless, force yourself into situations that will lead you down a more positive path...
Give yourself something to believe in...
Side Note 1: It's not easy... I'm still battling with the Agoraphobia and still have bad days that I find it hard to do anything at all...but with hope, I find myself pushing through the negativity and accomplishing what needs to be done.
I really hope that most of the Transgenders that are reading this haven't ever gotten to as dark of a place as I have gotten to within the last year.
I also hope that those who are in that dark place realize that there's always something that you can do to spark yourself out of the darkness... It may not be perfect, but a little ray of light can warm your heart and light your way to future happiness.
Side Note 2: I still need a second job ASAP so I can pay the October bills. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to being the tough, "I can do whatever is thrown at me" chick soon... so I get that second job... and also handle doing both school AND a new job as well.
"This is NOT ME!" "I always bounce back." "I always do well under pressure."
"WOW! I guess my Depression & Agoraphobia is far worse than I thought! I need to do something drastic!"
I decide to take another "leap of faith". Although I have ZERO dollars left in my bank account, last week, I decide to go back to school and get certified as an A+ technician (which is VERY expensive).
Rewind Time: I went to college for IT a long time ago... and did it for a while... but that was years ago.
So much has changed since then... and ALL employers now want people who are recently certified.
Fast Forward: The courses are VERY intensive! We are cramming an entire semester course in every 2 weeks... So basically, I'm doing the equivalent of 6 to 8 college courses (along with all the homework) within 13 weeks! Not so easy for me considering the state I've been in for the last year.
That being said, last week was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I did NOT have ANY nightmares.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually had a reason to get up.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually was motivated to do what needed to be done (Beyond the school stuff... I was actually motivated to do the home stuff and the money stuff as well).
The Moral of This Story: A life without hope makes you become hopeless.
If you feel hopeless, force yourself into situations that will lead you down a more positive path...
Give yourself something to believe in...
Side Note 1: It's not easy... I'm still battling with the Agoraphobia and still have bad days that I find it hard to do anything at all...but with hope, I find myself pushing through the negativity and accomplishing what needs to be done.
I really hope that most of the Transgenders that are reading this haven't ever gotten to as dark of a place as I have gotten to within the last year.
I also hope that those who are in that dark place realize that there's always something that you can do to spark yourself out of the darkness... It may not be perfect, but a little ray of light can warm your heart and light your way to future happiness.
Side Note 2: I still need a second job ASAP so I can pay the October bills. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to being the tough, "I can do whatever is thrown at me" chick soon... so I get that second job... and also handle doing both school AND a new job as well.
Saturday, August 26, 2017
Transgender Reality - You Are NOT the Black Sheep
I remember being 5 years old and having my farther say that a cousin of mine was a "negative example".
The way he talked about her was SO repulsive to me and offended me. Just because she spoke her mind, wasn't obsessed with becoming the richest person on the planet, and didn't "conform to the societal norm", that didn't make it right for him to degrade her and constantly belittle her.
Apparently, he was not alone in his prejudiced beliefs. I spent most of my life being ridiculed by him and other family members because I was honest about my feelings and I also decided to opt for employment where I chose morality over money.
I spent my life as the family joke, sometimes directly... but VERY OFTEN behind my back. (Yes... For those of you in my family who are guilty of this and stumble upon this post... I'm not an idiot and did find out what was said AFTER I'd leave your house. It hurt my deeply and made me dread every holiday and/or family event.)
The older I became, the more I'd realize that 95% of what was said, by those who degraded me, was bullshit. They actually made up MANY stories to make themselves look like heroes when they, or their children, failed miserably. (Again, I'm not an idiot... Eventually the real truth comes out).
I actually turned out (in my opinion) to be the best person in my family. Even though I'm not as rich as most of them... and my house isn't as nice as theirs... I'm the most caring and the most real person that I have EVER met... (Despite how F'd up as my life has been, with higher mountains to climb than most and WITHOUT all of the employment handouts that they received).
I am NOT a piece of shit.
I am stronger than they ever were or will ever be.
I am more honest than they ever were or will ever be.
I am FAR more real than they ever were or will ever be.
I may never be as rich as they are... I don't want to be.
Despite my pain, I'm glad I'm me... and NOT them.
Be you... Be happy...
LOVE who you are...
Dee
The way he talked about her was SO repulsive to me and offended me. Just because she spoke her mind, wasn't obsessed with becoming the richest person on the planet, and didn't "conform to the societal norm", that didn't make it right for him to degrade her and constantly belittle her.
Apparently, he was not alone in his prejudiced beliefs. I spent most of my life being ridiculed by him and other family members because I was honest about my feelings and I also decided to opt for employment where I chose morality over money.
I spent my life as the family joke, sometimes directly... but VERY OFTEN behind my back. (Yes... For those of you in my family who are guilty of this and stumble upon this post... I'm not an idiot and did find out what was said AFTER I'd leave your house. It hurt my deeply and made me dread every holiday and/or family event.)
The older I became, the more I'd realize that 95% of what was said, by those who degraded me, was bullshit. They actually made up MANY stories to make themselves look like heroes when they, or their children, failed miserably. (Again, I'm not an idiot... Eventually the real truth comes out).
I actually turned out (in my opinion) to be the best person in my family. Even though I'm not as rich as most of them... and my house isn't as nice as theirs... I'm the most caring and the most real person that I have EVER met... (Despite how F'd up as my life has been, with higher mountains to climb than most and WITHOUT all of the employment handouts that they received).
I am NOT a piece of shit.
I am stronger than they ever were or will ever be.
I am more honest than they ever were or will ever be.
I am FAR more real than they ever were or will ever be.
I may never be as rich as they are... I don't want to be.
Despite my pain, I'm glad I'm me... and NOT them.
Be you... Be happy...
LOVE who you are...
Dee
Monday, August 14, 2017
Transgender Transition Highlights - Embracing the Girlie Side
It's been two weeks since my last post... I'm still here, but haven't been able to anything productive at all since my last post. Two weeks of my life wasted.
While trying to find something to motivate me, I started looking through my old photos and came across photos from the night that changed my life... October 31st, 2008.
As long as I can remember, I've been a girl... I've always felt, looked and dressed like a girl (in public, I was a tom-girl)... but the older I got, the more I began to dread looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing the increasingly hairy man looking back at me. I never thought the image in the mirror would ever look pretty again or reflect who I truly am on the inside.
My best friend invited me to his Halloween party in 2008. I was dreading going as he lived far away and shy of he and his wife, I wouldn't know anyone else that would be there.
Come Friday (October 31st), I made a deal with myself. I have always wanted to wear a really pretty dress in public but never had the guts to do it. I went to Walgreen's and picked up some makeup... even asking ladies in the makeup isle for makeup advice while I was there! I went home, finished my work, passed out the Halloween candy, then began my transformation.
I felt SO GOOD as I drove up to his house! By the time I stepped out of my car, I felt like a complete woman. I confidently strutted into the party. Although I got stares and remarks, I did not care. I felt pretty and wasn't going to let anyone ruin my night. I spent the night embracing my femininity. Although (in retrospect) I looked like a hairy man in a dress, I had the most AMAZING night, being a confident woman, and just being one-of-the-girls!
The next day I awoke feeling so liberated... So free... I went on the Internet and began to study makeup, body shaping and hair removal techniques. I was determined to get to the point where I could go out on a daily basis, being a total girlie-girl, and looking like one as well.
After 2 years of horrific makeup attempts, I finally got my makeup to the point where I was happy with what I was seeing in the mirror. I began to realize that it wasn't too late and that, with A LOT of WORK, I could actually become a "passable woman". I began HRT (to feminize my face and body) and traded my VEET hair removal routine in for a rigid (and somewhat painful) laser hair removal routine.
By 2012, I was actually confident enough to post my face on Flicker... and by January of 2014, I finally began to trek out in public, in full "a-la-fem" mode, without using Halloween as an excuse!
It's been a long, hard road... and I know I still have the toughest challenges ahead of me... but despite the pain, I'm glad I decided to pursue this journey... and proud of how much I have have overcome... and how far I've come since that night when I decided to change the caterpillar into a butterfly.
While trying to find something to motivate me, I started looking through my old photos and came across photos from the night that changed my life... October 31st, 2008.
As long as I can remember, I've been a girl... I've always felt, looked and dressed like a girl (in public, I was a tom-girl)... but the older I got, the more I began to dread looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing the increasingly hairy man looking back at me. I never thought the image in the mirror would ever look pretty again or reflect who I truly am on the inside.
My best friend invited me to his Halloween party in 2008. I was dreading going as he lived far away and shy of he and his wife, I wouldn't know anyone else that would be there.
Come Friday (October 31st), I made a deal with myself. I have always wanted to wear a really pretty dress in public but never had the guts to do it. I went to Walgreen's and picked up some makeup... even asking ladies in the makeup isle for makeup advice while I was there! I went home, finished my work, passed out the Halloween candy, then began my transformation.
I felt SO GOOD as I drove up to his house! By the time I stepped out of my car, I felt like a complete woman. I confidently strutted into the party. Although I got stares and remarks, I did not care. I felt pretty and wasn't going to let anyone ruin my night. I spent the night embracing my femininity. Although (in retrospect) I looked like a hairy man in a dress, I had the most AMAZING night, being a confident woman, and just being one-of-the-girls!
The next day I awoke feeling so liberated... So free... I went on the Internet and began to study makeup, body shaping and hair removal techniques. I was determined to get to the point where I could go out on a daily basis, being a total girlie-girl, and looking like one as well.
After 2 years of horrific makeup attempts, I finally got my makeup to the point where I was happy with what I was seeing in the mirror. I began to realize that it wasn't too late and that, with A LOT of WORK, I could actually become a "passable woman". I began HRT (to feminize my face and body) and traded my VEET hair removal routine in for a rigid (and somewhat painful) laser hair removal routine.
By 2012, I was actually confident enough to post my face on Flicker... and by January of 2014, I finally began to trek out in public, in full "a-la-fem" mode, without using Halloween as an excuse!
It's been a long, hard road... and I know I still have the toughest challenges ahead of me... but despite the pain, I'm glad I decided to pursue this journey... and proud of how much I have have overcome... and how far I've come since that night when I decided to change the caterpillar into a butterfly.
Labels:
acceptance,
coming out,
hrt,
mtf,
self-esteem,
Tgirl,
transgender,
transitioning,
transpride
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Transgender Issues - Suicidal at Family Party
Sorry this isn't a rosy post...
Today rates very low on the emotional scale.
On a day when my Agoraphobia is EXTREMELY high, I force myself to go to a "Going Away Party" for a nephew who was moving to Colorado... I want to be there for support, as his mother is one of the few people that is always there for me when I need support... and I knew know this would be a devastating day for her.
That being said, upon arriving, I am instantly bombarded with family members who apparently are not here for support... they just came to whine about how bad their lives were.
I really want to leave, but feel I can not. I talk privately with each family member and try to help them with their issues (which were far less traumatic than what my sister-in-law and I were currently experiencing).
I keep checking the time on my cell phone... I must have been here 5 hours... OMG! Only 2??? DAMN!!!
A fiend of mine that's a local cop walks in to bid his farewells to my nephew. I stare at his gun... contemplating if I could pry it from the Velcro protector strap and use it to blow my brains out... SERIOUSLY. This is my mind set. For 10 minutes I try to talk myself out of ending my life. I convince myself that I can't do it now... considering how hard the day already was going to be for my sister-in-law. I go back to faking the happy guy emotions... being the "wacky uncle and brother".
I endure more criticism and shallow attitudes, something that on this day is even harder to bear. Eventually, everyone leaves except for my brother, sister-in-law and me. I stay to clean up, realizing that my sister-in-law is in rough shape and shouldn't be doing that at this point.
As I'm cleaning, I turn to her and try to offer some calming insight: "If you don't mind me saying..." She interrupts my positive comment with the rebuttal of, "What? Your gay?"
WOW!!! I'm so insulted and so tempted to say, "No, I'm not Gay, I'm a Transgender". She goes on to give additional insults. I take a deep breaths and gather my thoughts. I force myself to try to ignore her and continue to lend positive support... telling myself that she is only being harsh because she was devastated by her oldest child moving far away...
I hope she feels better now... I hope my insights helped... But as of this moment... Being back home... alone and miserable... I really wish I took that gun and blew my brains out. NO ONE in my inner circle gives a fuck about (or wants to hear about) what I'm going through... and I've been feeling so hopeless lately... like no matter what I do to change my life, it just -- and I just -- keep getting worse.
I'm so glad of who I've become. I'm so glad of how strong and how brave I've been... but there are some days... like today... where when there is no hope to brighten my day, a crippling darkness falls upon me.
Sorry this wasn't a rosy post... but I think that it important to express all sides of transition.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
Today rates very low on the emotional scale.
On a day when my Agoraphobia is EXTREMELY high, I force myself to go to a "Going Away Party" for a nephew who was moving to Colorado... I want to be there for support, as his mother is one of the few people that is always there for me when I need support... and I knew know this would be a devastating day for her.
That being said, upon arriving, I am instantly bombarded with family members who apparently are not here for support... they just came to whine about how bad their lives were.
I really want to leave, but feel I can not. I talk privately with each family member and try to help them with their issues (which were far less traumatic than what my sister-in-law and I were currently experiencing).
I keep checking the time on my cell phone... I must have been here 5 hours... OMG! Only 2??? DAMN!!!
A fiend of mine that's a local cop walks in to bid his farewells to my nephew. I stare at his gun... contemplating if I could pry it from the Velcro protector strap and use it to blow my brains out... SERIOUSLY. This is my mind set. For 10 minutes I try to talk myself out of ending my life. I convince myself that I can't do it now... considering how hard the day already was going to be for my sister-in-law. I go back to faking the happy guy emotions... being the "wacky uncle and brother".
I endure more criticism and shallow attitudes, something that on this day is even harder to bear. Eventually, everyone leaves except for my brother, sister-in-law and me. I stay to clean up, realizing that my sister-in-law is in rough shape and shouldn't be doing that at this point.
As I'm cleaning, I turn to her and try to offer some calming insight: "If you don't mind me saying..." She interrupts my positive comment with the rebuttal of, "What? Your gay?"
WOW!!! I'm so insulted and so tempted to say, "No, I'm not Gay, I'm a Transgender". She goes on to give additional insults. I take a deep breaths and gather my thoughts. I force myself to try to ignore her and continue to lend positive support... telling myself that she is only being harsh because she was devastated by her oldest child moving far away...
I hope she feels better now... I hope my insights helped... But as of this moment... Being back home... alone and miserable... I really wish I took that gun and blew my brains out. NO ONE in my inner circle gives a fuck about (or wants to hear about) what I'm going through... and I've been feeling so hopeless lately... like no matter what I do to change my life, it just -- and I just -- keep getting worse.
I'm so glad of who I've become. I'm so glad of how strong and how brave I've been... but there are some days... like today... where when there is no hope to brighten my day, a crippling darkness falls upon me.
Sorry this wasn't a rosy post... but I think that it important to express all sides of transition.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.
Saturday, July 8, 2017
Transgender Acceptance
It's been a while since I posted here and although nothing has changed, everything has changed.
OK... Nothing has changed regrading the job situation, the neighbors, the family, and/or all of the other issues that I've been going through. They are still the same.
What has changed is my feelings towards all the issues. I just don't care anymore.
Yes, my neighbors and neighborhood sucks, but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.
Yes, my family and friends still make offensive comments but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.
I've even begun to react to the homophobic comments like "That's a cute blouse" with responses like "Thanks, I was going to wear makeup too, but didn't have the time to put it on"! It's kind of "win-win". They laugh and I'm also getting more confident with sharing my feminine side (although I know they are praying that I'm joking and hope that I would never wear makeup around them).
Yes, I still haven't found a full time job, but I'm still managing to pay my bills and am no longer freaking out about needing to rush back into the "corporate world". Right now, getting my head straight is priority number one.
Ironically, now that I have the luxury of being able to wear makeup almost every day and posting more pics, I've actually been doing both less than before. I used to post mainly for acceptance... so I could hear from others that I was "passable" as a female. As my self-acceptance has grown, I really don't find the need for the internet acceptance anymore (and I am getting tired of overly sexual comments from guys who, if they took the time to read about me, they wouldn't be trying to "hook-up" with me).
On that note, I went through Flickr today and set many of my older photos to "Friends Only". I'm OK sharing them with other T-girls, but no longer with the "general public". I set up an Instagram account recently and will be adding a new Facebook account too... so I can post things that matter to me... for those who like me for who I am on the inside as well.
Be You...
Embrace Who You Really Are...
And Be Happy.
Dee
OK... Nothing has changed regrading the job situation, the neighbors, the family, and/or all of the other issues that I've been going through. They are still the same.
What has changed is my feelings towards all the issues. I just don't care anymore.
Yes, my neighbors and neighborhood sucks, but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.
Yes, my family and friends still make offensive comments but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.
I've even begun to react to the homophobic comments like "That's a cute blouse" with responses like "Thanks, I was going to wear makeup too, but didn't have the time to put it on"! It's kind of "win-win". They laugh and I'm also getting more confident with sharing my feminine side (although I know they are praying that I'm joking and hope that I would never wear makeup around them).
Yes, I still haven't found a full time job, but I'm still managing to pay my bills and am no longer freaking out about needing to rush back into the "corporate world". Right now, getting my head straight is priority number one.
Ironically, now that I have the luxury of being able to wear makeup almost every day and posting more pics, I've actually been doing both less than before. I used to post mainly for acceptance... so I could hear from others that I was "passable" as a female. As my self-acceptance has grown, I really don't find the need for the internet acceptance anymore (and I am getting tired of overly sexual comments from guys who, if they took the time to read about me, they wouldn't be trying to "hook-up" with me).
On that note, I went through Flickr today and set many of my older photos to "Friends Only". I'm OK sharing them with other T-girls, but no longer with the "general public". I set up an Instagram account recently and will be adding a new Facebook account too... so I can post things that matter to me... for those who like me for who I am on the inside as well.
Be You...
Embrace Who You Really Are...
And Be Happy.
Dee
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 13 Days Later
A transgender woman recently posted on Instagram, "Sick of being stuck inside my head". I responded, "I empathize with you... I'm in that mode as well right now". The longer I stay within my house, the worse I become... the more I regress into my subconscious... the more fearful I am to venture out... and the less likely I am to change anything for the better.
Today I HAD to leave the house. I went with my brother and sister to visit my Mom up in Maine and take her out for brunch.
As it was the first time I'd be seeing my sister since coming out to her, I made sure that I was closely shaven and dressed in something a bit more feminine than she is used to seeing me in... yet not so feminine that I'd freak out my brother and mother. It was a fine line to walk. If I was to have her accept me, I wanted her to see me differently... to be able to visualize me as a woman... but didn't want to potentially ruin the day for the rest of my family members by having them say WTF?.
As always, my clothes were women's wear, but much less "tom-boy" than I usually wear around them. I opted to wear a tight-fitting, feminine sweater which clearly showed that my body is becoming more feminine... and my "pecks" were now "boobs"... and tight fitting, woman's cut khaki's.
Although I got a few awkward glances from each of my family members at various points, it didn't matter to me. Nor did it matter to the dozens of strangers that we went past over the couse of the day. If anything, I actually had more women checking me out than normal!
I allowed myself to be me for the day. Sure I didn't use my lady-voice or walk... but I still felt... and looked... pretty and feminine. For me, to be able to be that way in front of my entire family, without being paranoid about it, is a HUGE step in my transition.
Today I HAD to leave the house. I went with my brother and sister to visit my Mom up in Maine and take her out for brunch.
As it was the first time I'd be seeing my sister since coming out to her, I made sure that I was closely shaven and dressed in something a bit more feminine than she is used to seeing me in... yet not so feminine that I'd freak out my brother and mother. It was a fine line to walk. If I was to have her accept me, I wanted her to see me differently... to be able to visualize me as a woman... but didn't want to potentially ruin the day for the rest of my family members by having them say WTF?.
As always, my clothes were women's wear, but much less "tom-boy" than I usually wear around them. I opted to wear a tight-fitting, feminine sweater which clearly showed that my body is becoming more feminine... and my "pecks" were now "boobs"... and tight fitting, woman's cut khaki's.
Although I got a few awkward glances from each of my family members at various points, it didn't matter to me. Nor did it matter to the dozens of strangers that we went past over the couse of the day. If anything, I actually had more women checking me out than normal!
I allowed myself to be me for the day. Sure I didn't use my lady-voice or walk... but I still felt... and looked... pretty and feminine. For me, to be able to be that way in front of my entire family, without being paranoid about it, is a HUGE step in my transition.
Friday, May 5, 2017
Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 5 Days Later
Well it’s been 5 days since I came out to my sister and I’ve
been a roller coaster of emotions. I pretty much came to the conclusion that
she was overly freaked out with it, and that’s why the only response was the
blank text. Even though I wished that I could finally be a sister to my sister,
I pretty much gave up on that. I keep having random moments of anxiety where I’m
reminded of all of the things that I blurted out and then ask myself "Why did I
say that"?
Aside from that, my world has totally changed. I’m finally allowing
myself to drop the “tom-boy” mentality in public… where I had to try to "think
like a boy". By just finally coming out, whether I was accepted or not, it
freed me of the anxiety of "What if they think I’m gay?" and "What if they know
someone in my family and it gets back to them?"… It just doesn’t seem to mater to me
as much anymore.
I’ve also been motivated to push through my confused states
and moments of depression to accomplish what needs to be done (something that has
been difficult for me to do lately).
After writing the previous… I went to the mailbox to find
that I received a package from my sister. She sent me a very sweet inspirational card and a frame to
put it in. Although obviously to make me feel better about what we had talked
about, the note, card and follow up text message didn’t mention anything about
me being transgender specifically... so as much as I’m trying to deal with it,
I’m assuming she probably is too.
By sending me that gift, I know now that she
wasn’t so freaked out that she totally is walking away from me as a family
member (something that some others in my family would have done). Although it seems that she’s not ready yet to really accept me as
a sister yet, hopefully in time, that will change. I've always dreamed of having a sister to do sister things with!
As for now, I’m just
really glad that she did something that thoughtful to show that she still cares…
and really glad about being able to blossom as I have over the past few days.
Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 2 Days Later
Well it's been 2 days since I admitted to anyone in my close inner circle that I'm transgender... and it's been 2 days of... "Holy Crap! Did I really do that?"... "So I guess I really just did that!"... "Why did I wait so long?"... "Should I tell more people?"... "Should I show her my blog or Flickr feeds?"
That being said, she was going to check back with me and didn't... Even though I know she's overly busy and working late this week, I just blurted out 50 years of repressed feelings to her... crying my eyes out... and, where I haven't heard from her since Sunday, I guess that I may freaked her out too much... But if it were me... and if someone that I loved called me up crying... saying that they lost their job, was transgender, and everything else that I blurted out... I wouldn't have been able to wait 2 days to call them back to see how they are doing... and/or if they were still alive at that point...
I'm starting to be reminded of how many of us DON'T have a support network that will accept us for who we are... and... WOW! It's sinking in that she is actually avoiding calling me back... I'll take the high road and apologize for freaking her out...
So I'll send her a text... apologizing... saying that I don't regret coming out to her after 50 years of holding it in... but I also realize that it may be to much for her to hear and if she doesn't want to talk about it I'll understand...
I just received a blank text as a response... I didn't know it was possible to send a blank text... Apparently, if you just pull up the text and hit send without writing anything, that's what happens... I guess it's supposed to mean you have nothing to say... I'm guessing that she's not embracing the fact that she has a new sister... So I guess that just happened...
Well... even though I'm in tears right now... it was kind of like buying a lottery ticket... For 2 days... I was imagining that maybe my life would be changed a bit for the better...
Now that reality has hit me hard again... I know... more than ever... It's time to move on... Even if she calls me back at some point... I know that she's really not cool with it. Was her reaction on Sunday was just the plastic face that everyone in my family puts on before they avoid and ridicule you? I hope not.
Oh well... At least I finally came out and tried to stay in the family... Now I can move on... It really hurts... but it drives me even more to find somewhere else... far away from my past... somewhere where I hopefully can be happy.
Please don't let this discourage you. Some families are actually understanding than mine. I don't regret coming out... It's something that I should have done years ago... and I'm glad that I finally told someone in my family that I am transgender.
That being said, she was going to check back with me and didn't... Even though I know she's overly busy and working late this week, I just blurted out 50 years of repressed feelings to her... crying my eyes out... and, where I haven't heard from her since Sunday, I guess that I may freaked her out too much... But if it were me... and if someone that I loved called me up crying... saying that they lost their job, was transgender, and everything else that I blurted out... I wouldn't have been able to wait 2 days to call them back to see how they are doing... and/or if they were still alive at that point...
I'm starting to be reminded of how many of us DON'T have a support network that will accept us for who we are... and... WOW! It's sinking in that she is actually avoiding calling me back... I'll take the high road and apologize for freaking her out...
So I'll send her a text... apologizing... saying that I don't regret coming out to her after 50 years of holding it in... but I also realize that it may be to much for her to hear and if she doesn't want to talk about it I'll understand...
I just received a blank text as a response... I didn't know it was possible to send a blank text... Apparently, if you just pull up the text and hit send without writing anything, that's what happens... I guess it's supposed to mean you have nothing to say... I'm guessing that she's not embracing the fact that she has a new sister... So I guess that just happened...
Well... even though I'm in tears right now... it was kind of like buying a lottery ticket... For 2 days... I was imagining that maybe my life would be changed a bit for the better...
Now that reality has hit me hard again... I know... more than ever... It's time to move on... Even if she calls me back at some point... I know that she's really not cool with it. Was her reaction on Sunday was just the plastic face that everyone in my family puts on before they avoid and ridicule you? I hope not.
Oh well... At least I finally came out and tried to stay in the family... Now I can move on... It really hurts... but it drives me even more to find somewhere else... far away from my past... somewhere where I hopefully can be happy.
Please don't let this discourage you. Some families are actually understanding than mine. I don't regret coming out... It's something that I should have done years ago... and I'm glad that I finally told someone in my family that I am transgender.
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