A New World - Transgender Turning Points

No posts since August?   In August I lost my dog, my car, my  job (sort of), and also my tenant (I have a rental apartment in my house, which I rely on to pay the remainder of my bills).

Wow... So much has happened since then...
I'll take each issue separately...

My Co-pilot... the grounding of my sanity... There is no good news there. I still, 2 months later, look down before I get off the sofa to make sure that I'm not stepping on him... I still go to do a lot of things that I used to do at certain times and then remember that he's not with me anymore... As much as I miss him, I have no plans in the immediate future to get another dog.  As I am moving on to a new chapter in my life, I don't want to have ANY excuses to not pursue or participate in what I've denied myself for so many years by using the "I have to go home to my dog" excuse.

The Car: No positive here! Major issues for several months... major repair bills... then I got a hole in the gas tank... so I had only 1 day to find a new one. I stayed up for 24 hours researching the best options and the best dealers. Long story short, it's NOT my dream vehicle, but it's tech'ed out and I won't have to worry about repairs for the next 3 years (It's a lease... Everything, including taxes are included in the price). The one down side is it's another $400 a month! I hope nothing happens to my job or tenant!

The Job: Hmm... Yeah FUCK! The new upper management are homophobes who are trying to force me and my fellow trans co-workers out... so I thought that I was losing that too... But then I hash-tagged my employer's company name in a former post about harassment and removed a few days afterwards as I knew how homophobic certain people were there... Amazingly enough, a week later, someone from the corporate office called me, asking me questions about the harassment that I alleged in a report that I submitted 5 months before? They asked me for names (which I refused to give as I didn't want my situation to get worse there), but the "prime harassers" no longer work there, except for Helder, the homophobic instigator of the whole scenario. He still mocks me every night... all night... and makes my life a living hell. I tried to confront him directly, as has my direct manager, but each time we confront him, he only becomes worse... and they REFUSE to write him up or fire him. I'm looking for other jobs, but can't find anything that pays the same, so I'm forced to deal with it until I find something else.

The tenant: Anyone who knows New-England rentals knows that the prime time to rent is between May and September. If you don't rent by October 1st, you probably won't rent until the following May. My former tenant tells me a day after I get my new car that he "may" be moving out in October but I can't even show it until mid-September because the apartment is so "smelly" and dark... and he's not sure if he's moving? I went into panic mode for a few weeks but then I had a married, lesbian couple come by to look at at it it. Although they didn't have the income and references that other potential tenants had, I trusted my gut and rented it to them anyways. First of all, they were very cool, but I also knew that if they saw me dressed a bit feminine, heard high heels, or saw me going out in makeup, they wouldn't freak out. That was HUGE in changing my mindset and how I am able to live my life in my own house now. I hope that at some point I can get up the courage to talk to them about makeup tips and places to go... but I'm a bit hesitant as some of my very good friends who are lesbian are trans-phobic as well...

And now for something completely different: Yeah so... Life's not bliss but... I finally have a reliable car, my bosses are finally covering my back, and the apartment is finally rented for more than what the last tenant was paying (which helps with the added car payment)... And... the Red Sox are in the World Series!

The Estrogen has been changing my body a bit. My but, boobs, face and body are becoming a bit more feminine since I've been taking it... but the biggest change is internal...

Although I knew I was a girl for as long as I can remember, I've never totally accepted it... without doubt or regret...  until recently. I finally feel happier, more confident, and optimistic...

It's no longer about trying to become a girl... I finally AM a GIRL!

That's SO huge in the way I see things now...

Transgender Transition - Estrofem vs Estrogel - Day 43

I've taken another brave step in beginning laser treatments on my face as well. I'm supersized how quickly the hair is disappearing and very happy with the fact that I don't have to shave every day now!

So... the hormone replacement therapy is going very well. My boobs, bum and hips continue to fill out. Although I said before that I prefer to slowly transition, I'm SO eager now to at least get to the point where my body is at least androgynous (looking as much female as it does male).

The transformation is definitely happening quicker than when I was taking Estrofem with Spirotone... and, although my "friend" is a bit slimmer, it hasn't lost any length (something I'm not ready to sacrifice right now).

I do feel much more mellow and a bit happier after I taking my Estrogel... and become somewhat miserable if I miss a dose. This is not because of a "feminine rush"... it's just due to a hormone imbalance that I recently discovered that I had.

Transgender Transition - Estrofem vs Estrogel - Day 28

Wow! I can't believe it's only been 28 days!

Well... still no "tingly, girlie-girl feeling" from the Estrogel. I'm finding that is the biggest difference between the two. Estrofem (pills) made me feel girlie and then I began to notice changes in my body... where as with the Estrogel, I feel my body changing and then I feel more girlie.

Yes, with the Estrogel, my body is far more sensitive to the physical changes. I'm VERY aware of my ass and thighs getting larger... with each step I take... as they rub against my clothes... and I'm also VERY aware of my nipples and boobs getting larger as they begin to swell against my tank tops. So no "tingly, girlie-girl rush" of the pills, but being constantly reminded of how I'm becoming more feminine each day is VERY pleasant as well.

Another major difference is in my boobs. Estrofem made my boobs pointier and perkier, but on Estrogel, they are becoming larger and rounder. Estrofem was transforming me into a perky A cup with the potential of becoming a nice B... but the Estrogel seems to be rounding the T's and A's out a LOT more! It's looking like the girls are gonna become a C cup at some point! Wow! Who would have thought that?

Side story: I slipped into one of my favorite spring dresses the other day and the strap over my right boob ripped completely off! Normally, most people would be bummed out about that happening to one of their favorite outfits.. but I was actually glad! My boobs (and bum) are already getting so much bigger that I'm actually not fitting into many of my old clothes! It's not due to weight gain... because as hard as I've tried to put on a few more pounds (eating 4000+ calories per day)... I'm still about the same weight... but my workout regiment (which is more intense than when I was on Estrofem) or the fact that I'm not taking the "male blockers" this time... may have something to do with the physical differences between the two. Whatever the reason, I'm happy with the results so far and, for the first time in a long time, I'm an excited and hopeful of what lies ahead for me!

Be you,
Be happy,
Dee

Transgender Transformations Transcend Tradition

Yeah... So the title was overly cheesy... but is that what felt like using... as I'm getting into being me again!

I've decided (for now) to just be me and become full "A-la-fem"!

Along with the HRT, I started "over-tweezing" again and am "over doing" the Laser Therapy for hair removal (you need to remove what you want to before you get a suntan, so I need to do it now).

It's the new "Surprise, I'm a girl!" philosophy I recently adopted... I'm not planning on coming out to anyone this year.... but it's going to be so friggen obvious that they'll either know or just flat out ask me!

Considering the rest of my life sucks right now, I've got ABSOLUTELY nothing left to loose... and everything to gain... by embracing who I am... who I want to be... and who I need to be!

Be You...
Be Happy...
Dee

Transgender Transition - Estrofem vs Estrogel - Day 10

From the first dosage of Estrofem (tablets), I felt a "feminine rush" throughout my body for several hours after taking them. My body tingled and I felt so much more "girlie". I was hoping the same with the Estrogel, but I've actually only felt dizzy after applying it (no "feminine rush" at all)... until now...

Soon after spreading the Estrogel over my hips last night (day 10), I began to feel SO feminine. The fact that my hips were tingling also helped to solidify the feeling... as each step I took made me feel more feminine!

My body, my mind, and my soul felt so feminine for the past 12 hours! I didn't even try to "tom-boy-it-up" when I was around other co-workers. I was feeling totally girlie-girl and didn't want to stop the feeling.

Although I'm (today) feeling more feminine than with the Estrofem and my face is already beginning to look more feminine (the photo to the right), I do miss the tingling throughout my whole body that Estrofem provided me. Hopefully that will come in time... and hopefully I will continue to feel as feminine as I did last night and today... time will tell and I'll keep you updated.

Side note for those who want to feel feminine but are NOT looking to become a woman: The sensation comes with a price... If you read my blogs from the last time I took Estrogen... becoming more girlie may also mean your little "masculine buddy" may become smaller... so you need to decide what is more important to you and your future happiness before you partake ANY female medications, therapies and/or permanent transitions... aside from manscaping...

Yes... PLEASE feel free to trim and tweeze your eyebrows!

Side note 2: Please feel free to comment if you find this blog helpful. Although I don't check my Gmail and posts as often as I'd like to, it really makes my day when I hear that I have been able to help others understand themselves better... or even maybe just brightened up their day!

Be you...
Be happy...
Dee