Transgender Transition Highlights - Embracing the Girlie Side

It's been two weeks since my last post... I'm still here, but haven't been able to anything productive at all since my last post. Two weeks of my life wasted.

While trying to find something to motivate me, I started looking through my old photos and came across photos from the night that changed my life... October 31st, 2008.

As long as I can remember, I've been a girl... I've always felt, looked and dressed like a girl (in public, I was a tom-girl)... but the older I got, the more I began to dread looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing the increasingly hairy man looking back at me. I never thought the image in the mirror would ever look pretty again or reflect who I truly am on the inside.

My best friend invited me to his Halloween party in 2008. I was dreading going as he lived far away and shy of he and his wife, I wouldn't know anyone else that would be there.

Come Friday (October 31st), I made a deal with myself. I have always wanted to wear a really pretty dress in public but never had the guts to do it. I went to Walgreen's and picked up some makeup... even asking ladies in the makeup isle for makeup advice while I was there! I went home, finished my work, passed out the Halloween candy, then began my transformation.

I felt SO GOOD as I drove up to his house! By the time I stepped out of my car, I felt like a complete woman. I confidently strutted into the party. Although I got stares and remarks, I did not care. I felt pretty and wasn't going to let anyone ruin my night. I spent the night embracing my femininity. Although (in retrospect) I looked like a hairy man in a dress, I had the most AMAZING night, being a confident woman, and just being one-of-the-girls!

The next day I awoke feeling so liberated... So free... I went on the Internet and began to study makeup, body shaping and hair removal techniques. I was determined to get to the point where I could go out on a daily basis, being a total girlie-girl, and looking like one as well.

After 2 years of horrific makeup attempts, I finally got my makeup to the point where I was happy with what I was seeing in the mirror. I began to realize that it wasn't too late and that, with A LOT of WORK, I could actually become a "passable woman". I began HRT (to feminize my face and body) and traded my VEET hair removal routine in for a rigid (and somewhat painful) laser hair removal routine.

By 2012, I was actually confident enough to post my face on Flicker... and by January of 2014, I finally began to trek out in public, in full "a-la-fem" mode, without using Halloween as an excuse!

It's been a long, hard road... and I know I still have the toughest challenges ahead of me... but despite the pain, I'm glad I decided to pursue this journey... and proud of how much I have have overcome... and how far I've come since that night when I decided to change the caterpillar into a butterfly.

Transgender Issues - Suicidal at Family Party

Sorry this isn't a rosy post...

Today rates very low on the emotional scale.

On a day when my Agoraphobia is EXTREMELY high, I force myself to go to a "Going  Away Party" for a nephew who was moving to Colorado... I want to be there for support, as his mother is one of the few people that is always there for me when I need support... and I knew know this would be a devastating day for her.

That being said, upon arriving, I am instantly bombarded with family members who apparently are not here for support... they just came to whine about how bad their lives were.

I really want to leave, but feel I can not. I talk privately with each family member and try to help them with their issues (which were far less traumatic than what my sister-in-law and I were currently experiencing).

I keep checking the time on my cell phone... I must have been here 5 hours... OMG! Only 2??? DAMN!!!

A fiend of mine that's a local cop walks in to bid his farewells to my nephew. I stare at his gun... contemplating if I could pry it from the Velcro protector strap and use it to blow my brains out... SERIOUSLY. This is my mind set. For 10 minutes I try to talk myself out of ending my life. I convince myself that I can't do it now... considering how hard the day already was going to be for my sister-in-law. I go back to faking the happy guy emotions... being the "wacky uncle and brother".

I endure more criticism and shallow attitudes, something that on this day is even harder to bear. Eventually, everyone leaves except for my brother, sister-in-law and me. I stay to clean up, realizing that my sister-in-law is in rough shape and shouldn't be doing that at this point.

As I'm cleaning, I turn to her and try to offer some calming insight: "If you don't mind me saying..." She interrupts my positive comment with the rebuttal of, "What? Your gay?"

WOW!!!  I'm so insulted and so tempted to say, "No, I'm not Gay, I'm a Transgender". She goes on to give additional insults. I take a deep breaths and gather my thoughts. I force myself to try to ignore her and continue to lend positive support... telling myself that she is only being harsh because she was devastated by her oldest child moving far away...

I hope she feels better now... I hope my insights helped... But as of this moment... Being back home... alone and miserable... I really wish I took that gun and blew my brains out. NO ONE in my inner circle gives a fuck about (or wants to hear about) what I'm going through... and I've been feeling so hopeless lately... like no matter what I do to change my life, it just -- and I just -- keep getting worse.

I'm so glad of who I've become. I'm so glad of how strong and how brave I've been... but there are some days... like today... where when there is no hope to brighten my day, a crippling darkness falls upon me.

Sorry this wasn't a rosy post... but I think that it important to express all sides of transition.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 13 Days Later

A transgender woman recently posted on Instagram, "Sick of being stuck inside my head". I responded, "I empathize with you... I'm in that mode as well right now". The longer I stay within my house, the worse I become... the more I regress into my subconscious... the more fearful I am to venture out... and the less likely I am to change anything for the better.

Today I HAD to leave the house. I went with my brother and sister to visit my Mom up in Maine and take her out for brunch.

As it was the first time I'd be seeing my sister since coming out to her, I made sure that I was closely shaven and dressed in something a bit more feminine than she is used to seeing me in... yet not so feminine that I'd freak out my brother and mother. It was a fine line to walk. If I was to have her accept me, I wanted her to see me differently... to be able to visualize me as a woman... but didn't want to potentially ruin the day for the rest of my family members by having them say WTF?.

As always, my clothes were women's wear, but much less "tom-boy" than I usually wear around them. I opted to wear a tight-fitting, feminine sweater which clearly showed that my body is becoming more feminine... and my "pecks" were now "boobs"... and tight fitting, woman's cut khaki's.

Although I got a few awkward glances from each of my family members at various points, it didn't matter to me. Nor did it matter to the dozens of strangers that we went past over the couse of the day. If anything, I actually had more women checking me out than normal!

I allowed myself to be me for the day. Sure I didn't use my lady-voice or walk... but I still felt... and looked... pretty and feminine. For me, to be able to be that way in front of my entire family, without being paranoid about it, is a HUGE step in my transition.