Finding Employment and Who Your True Friends are on Your Transgenger Journey

Well it's been a quick month since my last post... and a long, painful year since I lost my 2nd job.

I wasted a day going up to see my biggest web client which was a big mistake... as he was horrendously mean. Even though I've brought his company hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, the first words out of his mouth were, "I want you to give me a thousand dollar refund!" He has been making huge mistakes with his company and is trying to squeeze the lost money from his vendors. Needles to say, I refused and lost the contract. Despite that and the lack of the second job, I somehow managed to pay my bills for the month.

The motivation of being back in school has also waned. As my professor is juggling 3 jobs, he seems to be less than motivated to be interactive during class and is not being clear on what our homework assignments are supposed to be... so I'm left to guess as far as what chapter I'm actually supposed to study next. Combine that with me not being able to retain everything I'm studying and you can see why I'm less than optimistic about the time, effort and money that I sank into this course.

On a good note, Today I went on through quickest (and probably the best) interview process that I've ever been through and was hired on the spot (pending a drug test and records check). I usually hate interviews and suck at them but today went well. The money isn't great, but the schedule is perfect, it will get me out of the house, and it will also help me to pay the mortgage.

As it has been one year of hell... I'm starting to look back on it and realize once again that the few people that I actually confided in... the few people who could have helped... the few people that I reached out to because I know that they could have gotten me a job... well... they didn't seem to really care a whole hell of a lot. They were too tied up in their own issues and also didn't want to look bad by recommending me to a company for employment in my depressed state. Once again, I found out that the only person that I can count on is me.

I'll use that as a motivational force as I move on. I will use that to inspire me to find a new community and group of friends who really do care... who are willing to reciprocate the love and empathy that I give towards them.

I'm (hopefully) back on track...
Step 1: Pay the Bills & Continue My Transition
Step 2: Plan & Move Somewhere that is Trans Friendly 
Step 3: Legally Change My Name (and don't give the info to the homo-phoebes in my circle and/or those who aren't there for me)



 

Trangender Motivation... Transgender Hope

Antisocial Month: It's been a long, hard month since my last post. As I desperately needed to come up with money to pay the bills and mortgage,  I found myself withdrawing even more... sleeping all day and not even applying for jobs.

"This is NOT ME!"   "I always bounce back."   "I always do well under pressure."
"WOW! I guess my Depression & Agoraphobia is far worse than I thought! I need to do something drastic!"

I decide to take another "leap of faith". Although I have ZERO dollars left in my bank account, last week, I decide to go back to school and get certified as an A+ technician (which is VERY expensive).

Rewind Time: I went to college for IT a long time ago... and did it for a while... but that was years ago.
So much has changed since then... and ALL employers now want people who are recently certified.

Fast Forward: The courses are VERY intensive! We are cramming an entire semester course in every 2 weeks... So basically, I'm doing the equivalent of 6 to 8 college courses (along with all the homework) within 13 weeks! Not so easy for me considering the state I've been in for the last year.

That being said, last week was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I did NOT have ANY nightmares.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually had a reason to get up.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually was motivated to do what needed to be done (Beyond the school stuff... I was actually motivated to do the home stuff and the money stuff as well).

The Moral of This Story: A life without hope makes you become hopeless. 
If you feel hopeless, force yourself into situations that will lead you down a more positive path...
Give yourself something to believe in... 

Side Note 1: It's not easy... I'm still battling with the Agoraphobia and still have bad days that I find it hard to do anything at all...but with hope, I find myself pushing through the negativity and accomplishing what needs to be done.
I really hope that most of the Transgenders that are reading this haven't ever gotten to as dark of a place as I have gotten to within the last year.
I also hope that those who are in that dark place realize that there's always something that you can do to spark yourself out of the darkness... It may not be perfect, but a little ray of light can warm your heart and light your way to future happiness.

Side Note 2: I still need a second job ASAP so I can pay the October bills. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to being the tough, "I can do whatever is thrown at me" chick soon... so I get that second job... and also handle doing both school AND a new job as well.