Premonition – Positive and Negative

Some people  think I procrastinate too much. That's not really true. I was "blessed" (or more accurately... cursed) with knowing when sucky things are going to happen... before they happen. If I know something is going to suck, no matter how important it is, I'll put it off as long as possible.

Today was one of those days... and again... I was SO right.

That being said, if know that sucky things will happen before they happen, there must be people that know when good things will happen before they happen. I wish that was the case with me! If I knew what situations I should capitalize on... which ones would lead to positive solutions... my life would be SO much different than it is right now.

   

Transgender Dream Transformations and Transgender Tucking

Those who have been following the blog know that it's been a rough year fill with pain and nightmares. The problem with nightmares is when you wake up negative, it's SO difficult to think positively and be optimistic... thus making it EXTREMELY difficult to accomplish ANYTHING positive. But what if we could navigate our dreams?

I recently began a new nightly regiment. As I feel myself dozing off, I focus on thoughts that I want to dream about... being accepted as transgender... wearing a cute outfit that I recently saw on a lady friend of mine... reliving my childhood memories of dressing up in girlie clothes as soon as my mother and siblings left the house...

I soon found that (as long as I don't sleep more than 8 hours) I'm having more and more positive dreams... and sometimes even dreaming what I WANT TO DREAM!  (If I sleep more than 8 hours, I still have negative nightmares.)

Last night I tried to convince myself that I was going to wake up transformed into a woman who inspires me. Once I fell asleep, I had the most WONDERFUL dreams! I awoke feeling that I actually WAS her!

Second topic... Can't think of an appropriate transition for this so I'll just go right into it... Wait... Picture John Cleese saying "And now for something completely different!"

I like my thingy and... as of right now... don't plan on getting rid of it... That being said, I recently began tucking... You know... Hiding the thingy...

It initially started as curiosity about to to do it right for when I go out a-la-fem... and not having it be as painful as it sounds. Once I started doing it, I soon discovered how feminine I feel when I do it... I do it very often now... especially when I'm going for a walk or doing errands. For me, it's not about hiding it, it's about how feminine it makes me feel.

Honesty Lies Within the Lies

I spent a large portion of my life believing that I was a freak because I wasn't like everyone else. Beyond the transgender issue, there were other things that I thought no-one ever dealt with in their "perfect" (but boring) lives.

The older I get and the more I talk to people about "real things", the more I realize that everyone is a freak in their own way... and the stuff that I thought made me a freak is far less freaky than what I have learned about people who portray themselves to have perfect lives.

It's a shame that so many people find the need to lie about how great things are... how great their life is... and how perfect their families are... when the truth is the exact opposite.

If people were more true about who they truly are and what they are going through, I think there would be a lot more caring, support and love in this world.

Transgender Employment, Role Models and Karma

I was once passed over for a promotion at a former job... and the girl that they hired was from outside the company and was far less qualified for the position than I was. The reason was made clear early on... Whenever she walked down the hallway, all the guys would become tongue tied, then stop and stare.

My infatuation with her was quite different. I was infatuated by the fact that her features were so similar to mine. Every one of my overly-male features that I have and constantly dwelled upon (my hands, my nose, my jaw-line, my chin, etc), she had as well... yet they thought that she was beautiful. Although I was bummed about not getting the promotion, I was actually glad to work with her, because she was a constant reminder that I could actually become a viable female.

Today I stumbled upon her modeling website. What? Modeling website? At first I was shocked because, again, she has the same features as me and I don't think I'm pretty at all... then reality set in...

Those who know me know that I am NOT overly cocky or conceited... If anything I'm overly critical of myself. That being said, I pulled up my pictures next to hers and was astounded! Even though our noses, hands, and our figures are about the same... her jawline, chin, and several other features that I was critical on, were actually more masculine than mine! And (again... not to be cocky) my lips and eyes are actually a bit nicer than hers. Although she does have less natural body hair, bigger boobs, a bigger ass and better eyebrows (all of which I'm working on)... I actually (dare I say it?)... looked prettier and more like a female than she does in her "professionally shot" photos!

It was such a confidence booster!

It would be such a massive Karma rush if I actually got a job as a model or actress at some point and become more popular than the model that was hired for my position because of the way she looks!

Anyone looking for a transgender model or comedic actress?

Seriously though, after having my 15 minutes of fame as a rock-chick... I've been hoping to get back into the spotlight. I'm actually toying with the idea of approaching "The Walking Dead" to see if they want to add a transgender to the cast. Considering my bizarre yet relate-able personality... and the aspect that I'm trained in the martial arts... I think it would work out great for both them and myself.

Transgender Issues, Pain and Acceptance

I don't cry often... but today I did.

I cried a lot today... and truth be known, I've cried a lot lately.

I'm strong by nature, but considering everything that I've dealt with over the past year... which is far more that I spoke about on my blog or with anyone in my current circle...

I know that everyone has hard times in life... I too deal with those issues every day. But considering how hard the last year has been and then throwing in the aspect of loosing as much as I did from transgender prejudice and the aspect that I have NO ONE in my immediate circle to talk to about those issues... and let's be real... no one in my immediate circle wants to hear about the non-transgender issues either.

I keep hoping that there must be someone out there who really cares about who I really am, what I truly feel, and be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on... But with every passing day... that hope becomes less and less. I've always been a good person, putting others before myself and helping everyone that I could... but everyone in my life always seems to disappear whenever I'm in pain... whenever I need help... whenever I need a shoulder to cry on.

I've known that for a long time... but it still really hurts... and hurts more every day...

I cried today... and truth be known, I've cried a lot lately.

I will stick to my dream... but sometimes my reality is VERY painful... and today is one of those days.

My Thanksgiving and Holiday Season as a Transgender

My apologies to those who love the holiday season...

I used to love the holidays, but time and situations have made me very dreadful of them... and this year I'm dreading them more than ever.

I'll NEVER understand how relatives that live within a few miles of me have NEVER come over to visit (even though I moved back here because they said they wished I lived closer) and they NEVER even call me... yet on the holidays, they fake like they are interested in how I've been.

That's not who I am or how I was brought up. I ALWAYS visited my relatives to see how things were going in their lives and find out what they have been doing. I didn't wait for holidays and sincerely cared about how they were doing. That being said, even though my family asks how things are going, they really don't care or want to hear about it.

I dread going wherever I'm invited as I am not fake and never lie... but if I don't show up, everybody flips out. So how do I deal with the questions  of  "How are you doing?" and "How's the job?" (this year especially... where I don't have many good things to say about where my life is at).

I managed to survive Thanksgiving... and this is how I did it: Everybody has a tell (like in poker). As soon as I felt an uncomfortable question was about to come up, I'd go to the bathroom, or move on to another room.

It helped me get through it, but still pisses me off. Holidays should be happy times... not a plastic facade where we FAKE that we actually care about family members that we spend the rest of the year avoiding. I'd much rather stay at home by myself then deal with feigned love...

And this year... as much as I need a shoulder to cry on... I have to put on a fake smile and act like everything is OK... IT HURTS ME TO THE CORE that no one in my family really gives a F#CK about how I'm doing and/or what's REALLY going on in my life... And the few of those who do know the hell that I'm going through... who could actually help (and have often helped out others)... choose not to help me out.

Rewind on that: I've supported myself, without ANY help, since I was a kid (my mother made me work in an illegal sweat-shop when I was 14 so I could pay her "room and board"... so she could spend my father's support payments on herself and her mafia boyfriend). I never asked anyone for anything and even refused handouts when I could have used them... Yet when I'm at my very lowest, those who I'm always there for, are never there for me... and actually avoid talking with me.

The one plus side to all of this is... it makes it SO much easier for me to move away from this homophobic state and leave them all behind... I've finally come to the realization that as much as I've done for others... as much as I've been there to be the shoulder to cry on for EVERYONE who needed it... NO ONE gives a F#CK about anyone but themselves here... and I'm better off... and my kindness would be more appreciated... someplace else.

Peace out Massholes.

Transgender Worries, Issues, Employment and Goals

I've been in Hell in the past few weeks since my last post... nightmares every night and my self-doubt is the worst I ever remember having. It's been all about survival vs happiness for me. On top of the other issues that you may have read about in transitioning, finding and keeping a job that pays the bills is probably the most horrific for me.

Should I give up my goal of becoming female, or do I keep putting myself through this torment in hopes that I will be able to eventually find a job and location where I will be accepted for who I truly am?

I've done some heavy, painful soul-searching... reviewing my entire life... and now realize more than ever... that even if I'm paying my bills and mortgage, I'll be miserable if I don't stay true to my goals.

Today I spend the entire day practicing tips that I found on the internet about overcoming my "overly male" attributes... mainly vocals and walking/blending in as a real woman.

If I'm going to be happy again someday... I need to be me...
Dee

Trangender Fears, Employment, Goals & Rights

Last night I was afraid… very afraid. I’m a pretty kick-ass chick and it takes a lot to get me afraid. Case in point, even though I’ve had a gun held to my head in the past, I’ve NEVER been afraid of dying… but since working in a nursing home, I’m petrified of ever winding up in a nursing home.

That being said, I had a REALLY bad year (thus the lack of posting). I had to deal with my father’s death, which, although we weren’t ever close, it forced me to realize my mortality and the aspect that my days are numbered… If I’m going to finally be free to be me, I need to make the changes NOW.

I decided that I need to be me… and find a more transgender friendly facility to work at.

I did. Although the management was clueless and corporate red tape was incredibly stressful to deal with, they did accept me for who I was… tweezed eyebrow and all.

The residents and staff LOVED what I was doing for the facility… The managers welcomed my ideas… but unfortunately, I had a Born-again Christian working under me who hated me from day one because I was “a freak of nature”.

As the residents loved her, I bit my tongue, walked on eggshells, and never wrote her up for the multiple occasions where she yelled at me (her boss) or refused to do what I asked.
   

By putting the wishes of others before my own, I put myself through hell. She began to constantly make claims that were untrue to get me fired... and last week... I muttered a swear word under my breath and she went to the Executive Director and claimed I abused the residents by swearing to them. I was immediately suspended pending investigation (as is corporate procedure).

The following day, I was called back to the facility. I was told that I was cleared in the investigation (no residents heard me swear); however the regional HR person suggested that my employment should be terminated anyway. It is my assumption that where the company has a “no retribution policy” to anyone who reports an alleged abuse and I was the direct supervisor of that employee; it would be in the best interest of the company to end my employment.

It’s been a week and I’ve had nightmares ever night since. I love the position and making the lives of the residents worthwhile… and can’t afford the income loss. Do I beg to get my job back? Last night it all came to a head and I was petrified of what “may become” of losing this job... and I was very afraid.

When I woke this morning, I did some heavy soul-searching and realized that even though I was helping others, the job was killing me… both mentally and physically. 7 years of added stress and biting my tongue has led to increased drinking and recently, chain smoking… which today (along with the stress of loosing my job and the added stress of wondering what I should do for a new career) led to a mini-heart attack.

Believe it or not, I was not afraid when it happened. It only strengthened my resolve... and made my decision clear. I REFUSE to die miserable. I may lose my house, but I need to stay firm and attempt to find a job where I can be who I really am… and hopefully won’t be falsely accused and fired for being who I am.There HAS to be some positive Karma coming my way!

Please send a few positive thoughts my way... Every comment... and every positive thought... helps me make it through each day.

Be you...

I'm positive that someday we all will be happy...

   

Jessica Rabbit - Transgender Turning Point

Many years ago... my ex-girlfriend was nice enough to leave me this silky nighty (and some other yummy clothes) when we broke up. For some reason, every time I wear it to bed, I always wake up feeling like Jessica Rabbit!

She had incredible taste in clothing and was more addicted to buying new clothes than I was!  My passion for her fashion... and my desire to become her... finally got the better of me. One day, I slipped into her lingerie, then put  my clothes on, over hers. Luckily for me, her clothes fit me perfectly!

As soon as she walked through the door, I was passionately all over her. She soon discovered that I was wearing her bra, panties and nighty/slip. She was stunned at first, but went along with it. After we had amazing sex, we both were pretty much silent... neither of us knowing what to say.

In the days that followed, I would wait in anticipation for her to arrive from work. As soon as she walked through the door, I would peel the clothes off her body... then slip them onto mine! She was totally cool with it... because afterward, we would always wind up having the most amazing sex that either of us had ever known.

Although I've been dressing in girl's clothes since I was a little girl, wearing her clothes, becoming her, then being with her, made me feel like a complete and totally sexy woman. Looking back now I realize that, at the time, I (not knowing what transgender was) thought I was just a cross-dresser... but by allowing myself to become another woman, I was euphoric!

She began wearing different outfits each time that she came over ... every outfit seeming sexier than the last. She often brought multiple outfits along, so she could leave one for me and wear the other home. The same goes for the nighties. After we having sex, We'd take a quick shower and then we'd both slip into one of her nighties and cuddle up in my bed. Ironically, I never had the guts to wear anything from my extensive female wardrobe collection in front of her (which at the time I had hidden away).

When we eventually broke up, (long story but it had nothing to do with the dress-up games) and I went on the internet and find out why I was, the way I was. Why did I need, not only to wear women's clothing, but to become a woman... when I had no attraction at all to men? It was then that I found out what transgender was... and began to really embrace my feminine side. I also began to re-analysize ALL of my past relationships... and came to the conclusion that I would never again go out with anyone (long term) who can't accept me for who I really am.

So I'm still single... but so much happier being the man/woman whom I was meant to be... and I've got a ton of cool clothes that I now wear 24/7!

Transgender Transformations - Manscaping is OK

I know that in some places, “manscaping” is accepted… I but never would have thought how widely accepted it really is.

I was a bit paranoid last summer when, after “over-tweezing”, I went to a barbecue in my overly-conservative hometown... and old friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time... stopped in.

This guy is the total “manly-man”... an ex-cop, hunter, etc, and very vocal about conservative values. I thought for sure he'd ridicule my new look... or at the very least… give me the cold shoulder. Much to my surprise, he didn’t say a word and was happy that I was there.

Then came the real shock! At some point, a young, shallow, and obviously homophobic POS acquaintance said something degrading about manscaping (as an obvious slur on my new look). He was hoping that our friend would run with it… and lay into me with insults.

Much to his surprise… and mine as well… our old friend stated that HE had been cutting and plucking (manscaping) his eyebrows for years.

The moral of the story is: I finally realized that I shouldn’t be so paranoid about taming down my overly male attributes. Many, if not most of the men in America, have done it at some point themselves.

Be you, Be Happy,

Dee

Transgender-Friendly Employers - Any leads?

One day -- a long time ago --  a cute redheaded co-worker came into work wearing an outfit just like this.
I was SO JEALOUS that she could wear something so soft, silky and pretty to work!
I spent years trying to find that skirt... and recently found it!
Now I just have to find a transgender-friendly employer that will allow me this outfit into work!
Not an easy feat in New England!

Seriously though... Please email me if you have any job leads to trans-friendly employers (hopefully in my area, but I will consider re-locating for a worthwhile opportunity).
The majority of my work experience is in web design, internet marketing, graphic arts, IT and project management... but considering that my IQ is considered VERY high (higher than Einstein's), I have the innate ability to excel in any job or position and the innate ability to resolve the most complex of corporate challenges.

Side note: If your company is NOT hiring, but IS in need of a webdesign and internet marketing specialist to increase your customer base and sales, please feel free to email me as well... (but PLEASE... serious inquires only).

Thanks in advance,
Dee

Trangender Goals Update

Only a few days into the new year and I'm making HUGE strides in my promises to myself...

Phasing out non-TG friendly companies put a bit of a strain on the wallet, but it has allowed me to regain my sense of self... and has also allowed me to have a whole new outlook on my life.

I'm now finding it SO much easier to simplify (probably because I'm a lot less stressed out). I'm also much more relaxed (more that I've allowed myself to be in the past six years) and don't stress out (as much) over the things that I have no control over.

The things that I DO have control over -- mainly becoming who I really want to be -- are also being taken to new heights:

• +1 is now F3: As I haven't done +1 every day and I'm looking to simplify, I've decided that I'm going to make 3 steps each day towards totally feminizing myself. Some are major +1 bold moves, some are less bold steps. The less bold steps include things like body toning, hair removal and "other girlie things" that I can do to make myself feel feminine (I won't go into details... but some of them have been VERY... Mmm!). Whatever it is, I'm going to become more feminine with each day.

• Ala-fem is Ala smooth: As painful as it sometimes is... and as much of a pain in the ass as it is... I'm going full out on the laser hair removal (hoping to look androgynous before summer).  This means being brave enough to handle the forearms too (not an easy feat for an Italian!). It's been about a year and a half so far... and I'll be SO happy to see myself in the mirror not looking so "male". This is a BIG step, as previous treatments have left some areas "spotty" with hair... something which will be VERY obvious (and very creepy looking) come tee shirt time if all does not go well! Wish me luck! It would SO suck if I had to wear long sleeves all summer long!

Side note: Between my heightened confidence and being able to wear more concealing (albeit very feminine)  winter clothing, doing the "other girlie things" are so much easier -- and SO much more fun -- this winter than ever before! :) :) ;) :)

Deep In Transgender Dreamland

I love waking up after having a vivid dream of transitioning.

I cherish each moment remembered, both the good and the bad… and then for the rest of the day, I replay it in my mind, trying to figure out what each part meant.

When I was younger, my transitioning dreams would usually involve me being horrified by "getting caught" a-la-fem... but now when that happens in my dreams, I'm OK with it... until I notice something totally stupid to worry about... like the fact that I forgot to tuck the hanging strap thing back into the top... and then I become horrified!

Transgender Family and Work Issues

It’s been 10 days since I received my lovely, thoughtful, Christmas present from job # 2... my Layoff Notice. Today, at the same job (a nursing home), most of the dementia and Alzheimer’s patients were more of a challenge than usual… and some were downright mean (it happens on bad weather days)… then I find out that the same job just hired ANOTHER PERSON... from OUTSIDE THE COMPANY -- who was far less qualified than me -- to fill a good position... that I previously applied for. (I was told by a fellow employee that the reason was that I didn't fit the "company image" (read between the lines here). Once again, I bit my tongue until I left work.

This is the SECOND TIME that this happened IN LESS THAN 6 MONTHS! I was REALLY pissed off and needed to vent to someone!

My mom totally ignored the news of my layoff and loss of the promotions as she was more concerned about trying to pry information from me about how my brother is doing… So I went to discuss it with another person, who I thought of as a close family member / friend. He rolled his eyes and quickly changed the subject. He obviously didn’t want to hear about my life falling apart.

I gracefully went through the motions of faking enthusiasm as he rambled on about his fantasy dreams about what he will do when he wins the lottery… as yet another part of my soul was ripped away and died.

I felt SO ALL ALONE… everything is falling apart… and no one cares. This was not self-pity… it was -- and is -- the reality of my life. I’ve always known that I’ve always been -- and always will be -- alone. But considering that I’m always EVERYBODY’S shoulder to cry on… I was hoping that... for once in my life... it was going to be reciprocated... but I was wrong.

As I drove home, I was literally screaming at myself in the car about how stupid I was -- and am -- being. “YOU ALREADY SAID THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WORK FOR A COMPANY THAT WOULD LAY SOMEONE OFF ON CHRISTMAS EVE!”… “YOU KNEW NONE CARES ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU SO WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS BOTHER YOU?”

I’m at home now. 

I am -- for now -- over the anger… but I find my eyes overfilled from the tears that I’m now crying. The reality is… if I ever want to become truly happy… I need to walk away from the people that don’t appreciate the good will I’ve extended to them… especially if they refuse to reciprocate, when needed. I’ve known for a long time who -- and what -- I have to cut out of my life… but it still REALLY hurts to let go of the past. 

  

This butterfly has got to fly... far, far away.

Something I wish that I did a long time ago...

Transgender Goals: From the Ashes Rises the Butterfly!

Last January seems like it was 5 years ago… It was a long, challenging year.

Going into 2015, I was already worn out (mentally and physically) from working an average of 80 hours per week (and the horrendous working environment at Job #2)… then, several unexpected and traumatic issues arose. I am a very strong person by nature, but the overwhelming stress of all the negative events seemed insurmountable at times.

As one of my goals was to be a “Ray of Sunshine”, I opted to NOT discuss my pain or the stress of these issues with friends or family because I didn’t want to bring anyone down. I was on my own to handle the pain… and find some way to resolve each issue before my life spiraled out of control.

With my only diversion being my steadfast focus on my current and future goals, I rose to handle and resolve each challenge. Although the year was hard to endure, believe it or not, I’m glad I went through it. It allowed me to have the courage to walk away from many aspects of my life that were poisonous to whom I am and who I want to be. It also pushed me to accomplish (for the most part) all of the goals that I had set for myself 12 months ago.

Moving forward, I’m more optimistic about the upcoming year than ever before. You know the saying: “From the ashes rises the Phoenix?” I’ve been here before… life changing years where I arise from the ashes, filled with a fire to rebuild my life for the better. Throughout the past year, however, my “Type A”, workaholic personality was forced to become a “Type B” (long story... is there a Type B?) and I think it will be a welcome change if I don’t stress myself out over every little thing! So this time, “From the ashes rises the butterfly!”(Albeit, the strongest, most determined butterfly you've ever met)

My 2016 goals are simple:

1. Actually, that’s the first goal! Simplify! I need to stop stressing myself out by trying to be everything to everyone. I need to do what needs to be done but also realize when to take some time to relax and enjoy my life.
2. Keep pushing to become who I really want to be. (This is really my first goal… but the Simplify! thing was a good tie-in to the previous line)
3. Phase out / don’t work -- at or for -- any company who discriminates in policies, raises and/or promotions to those in the LBGT community. I will seek LBGT friendly companies to do my internet marketing and website design for (my first job) and will only seek transgender friendly employers for additional -- or full time -- income if needed.

I wish you all a successful 2016 and the strength to pursue what truly makes you happy.

Be You… Be Happy…
Dee