Transgender Holidays, Family, Goals & Emails

Those of you that follow the blog may be wondering why I didn't post anything about Christmas and/or my New Years goals. Truth be known... I wanted to... but forced myself not to. I didn't want to bring everyone down with negative posts during the holidays.

Let's just say, Christmas was a revamp of my Thanksgiving and my only goals for this year are surviving and moving forward on both my transition and away from what happened last year.

On a possessive note, I received the nicest email today thanking me for the blog! That being said, it inspired me to write this update to the blog.

I finally stopped having the work nightmares and my health issues have also subsided (apparently, they were related to the stress of working heath-care jobs I for the past 7 years).

I'm still moving forward on the androgyny transformation... and developed a long-term plan that should allow me to live exactly how I want -- and wherever I want -- while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.

Although I have NO idea what my next job will be, I'm still paying the bills doing the web design (for those who haven't been following, the heath-care thing was more or less a volunteer job that helped to pay the bills during my slow months).

I'm not sure what the future holds, but for now, I'm concentrating on getting my house, head, and life back to where it should be.

That's all for now... but please feel free to email me with any positive comments you may have. The emails I receive really help me to remain optimistic and to move forward towards true happiness.

Thanks in advance,
Dee

My Thanksgiving and Holiday Season as a Transgender

My apologies to those who love the holiday season...

I used to love the holidays, but time and situations have made me very dreadful of them... and this year I'm dreading them more than ever.

I'll NEVER understand how relatives that live within a few miles of me have NEVER come over to visit (even though I moved back here because they said they wished I lived closer) and they NEVER even call me... yet on the holidays, they fake like they are interested in how I've been.

That's not who I am or how I was brought up. I ALWAYS visited my relatives to see how things were going in their lives and find out what they have been doing. I didn't wait for holidays and sincerely cared about how they were doing. That being said, even though my family asks how things are going, they really don't care or want to hear about it.

I dread going wherever I'm invited as I am not fake and never lie... but if I don't show up, everybody flips out. So how do I deal with the questions  of  "How are you doing?" and "How's the job?" (this year especially... where I don't have many good things to say about where my life is at).

I managed to survive Thanksgiving... and this is how I did it: Everybody has a tell (like in poker). As soon as I felt an uncomfortable question was about to come up, I'd go to the bathroom, or move on to another room.

It helped me get through it, but still pisses me off. Holidays should be happy times... not a plastic facade where we FAKE that we actually care about family members that we spend the rest of the year avoiding. I'd much rather stay at home by myself then deal with feigned love...

And this year... as much as I need a shoulder to cry on... I have to put on a fake smile and act like everything is OK... IT HURTS ME TO THE CORE that no one in my family really gives a F#CK about how I'm doing and/or what's REALLY going on in my life... And the few of those who do know the hell that I'm going through... who could actually help (and have often helped out others)... choose not to help me out.

Rewind on that: I've supported myself, without ANY help, since I was a kid (my mother made me work in an illegal sweat-shop when I was 14 so I could pay her "room and board"... so she could spend my father's support payments on herself and her mafia boyfriend). I never asked anyone for anything and even refused handouts when I could have used them... Yet when I'm at my very lowest, those who I'm always there for, are never there for me... and actually avoid talking with me.

The one plus side to all of this is... it makes it SO much easier for me to move away from this homophobic state and leave them all behind... I've finally come to the realization that as much as I've done for others... as much as I've been there to be the shoulder to cry on for EVERYONE who needed it... NO ONE gives a F#CK about anyone but themselves here... and I'm better off... and my kindness would be more appreciated... someplace else.

Peace out Massholes.