Finding Employment and Who Your True Friends are on Your Transgenger Journey

Well it's been a quick month since my last post... and a long, painful year since I lost my 2nd job.

I wasted a day going up to see my biggest web client which was a big mistake... as he was horrendously mean. Even though I've brought his company hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, the first words out of his mouth were, "I want you to give me a thousand dollar refund!" He has been making huge mistakes with his company and is trying to squeeze the lost money from his vendors. Needles to say, I refused and lost the contract. Despite that and the lack of the second job, I somehow managed to pay my bills for the month.

The motivation of being back in school has also waned. As my professor is juggling 3 jobs, he seems to be less than motivated to be interactive during class and is not being clear on what our homework assignments are supposed to be... so I'm left to guess as far as what chapter I'm actually supposed to study next. Combine that with me not being able to retain everything I'm studying and you can see why I'm less than optimistic about the time, effort and money that I sank into this course.

On a good note, Today I went on through quickest (and probably the best) interview process that I've ever been through and was hired on the spot (pending a drug test and records check). I usually hate interviews and suck at them but today went well. The money isn't great, but the schedule is perfect, it will get me out of the house, and it will also help me to pay the mortgage.

As it has been one year of hell... I'm starting to look back on it and realize once again that the few people that I actually confided in... the few people who could have helped... the few people that I reached out to because I know that they could have gotten me a job... well... they didn't seem to really care a whole hell of a lot. They were too tied up in their own issues and also didn't want to look bad by recommending me to a company for employment in my depressed state. Once again, I found out that the only person that I can count on is me.

I'll use that as a motivational force as I move on. I will use that to inspire me to find a new community and group of friends who really do care... who are willing to reciprocate the love and empathy that I give towards them.

I'm (hopefully) back on track...
Step 1: Pay the Bills & Continue My Transition
Step 2: Plan & Move Somewhere that is Trans Friendly 
Step 3: Legally Change My Name (and don't give the info to the homo-phoebes in my circle and/or those who aren't there for me)



 

Trangender Motivation... Transgender Hope

Antisocial Month: It's been a long, hard month since my last post. As I desperately needed to come up with money to pay the bills and mortgage,  I found myself withdrawing even more... sleeping all day and not even applying for jobs.

"This is NOT ME!"   "I always bounce back."   "I always do well under pressure."
"WOW! I guess my Depression & Agoraphobia is far worse than I thought! I need to do something drastic!"

I decide to take another "leap of faith". Although I have ZERO dollars left in my bank account, last week, I decide to go back to school and get certified as an A+ technician (which is VERY expensive).

Rewind Time: I went to college for IT a long time ago... and did it for a while... but that was years ago.
So much has changed since then... and ALL employers now want people who are recently certified.

Fast Forward: The courses are VERY intensive! We are cramming an entire semester course in every 2 weeks... So basically, I'm doing the equivalent of 6 to 8 college courses (along with all the homework) within 13 weeks! Not so easy for me considering the state I've been in for the last year.

That being said, last week was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I did NOT have ANY nightmares.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually had a reason to get up.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually was motivated to do what needed to be done (Beyond the school stuff... I was actually motivated to do the home stuff and the money stuff as well).

The Moral of This Story: A life without hope makes you become hopeless. 
If you feel hopeless, force yourself into situations that will lead you down a more positive path...
Give yourself something to believe in... 

Side Note 1: It's not easy... I'm still battling with the Agoraphobia and still have bad days that I find it hard to do anything at all...but with hope, I find myself pushing through the negativity and accomplishing what needs to be done.
I really hope that most of the Transgenders that are reading this haven't ever gotten to as dark of a place as I have gotten to within the last year.
I also hope that those who are in that dark place realize that there's always something that you can do to spark yourself out of the darkness... It may not be perfect, but a little ray of light can warm your heart and light your way to future happiness.

Side Note 2: I still need a second job ASAP so I can pay the October bills. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to being the tough, "I can do whatever is thrown at me" chick soon... so I get that second job... and also handle doing both school AND a new job as well.

Transgender Reality - You Are NOT the Black Sheep

I remember being 5 years old and having my farther say that a cousin of mine was a "negative example".

The way he talked about her was SO repulsive to me and offended me. Just because she spoke her mind, wasn't obsessed with becoming the richest person on the planet, and didn't "conform to the societal norm", that didn't make it right for him to degrade her and constantly belittle her.

Apparently, he was not alone in his prejudiced beliefs. I spent most of my life being ridiculed by him and other family members because I was honest about my feelings and I also decided to opt for employment where I chose morality over money.

I spent my life as the family joke, sometimes directly... but VERY OFTEN behind my back. (Yes... For those of you in my family who are guilty of this and stumble upon this post... I'm not an idiot and did find out what was said AFTER I'd leave your house. It hurt my deeply and made me dread every holiday and/or family event.)

The older I became, the more I'd realize that 95% of what was said, by those who degraded me, was bullshit. They actually made up MANY stories to make themselves look like heroes when they, or their children, failed miserably. (Again, I'm not an idiot... Eventually the real truth comes out).

I actually turned out (in my opinion) to be the best person in my family. Even though I'm not as rich as most of them... and my house isn't as nice as theirs... I'm the most caring and the most real person that I have EVER met... (Despite how F'd up as my life has been, with higher mountains to climb than most and WITHOUT all of the employment handouts that they received).

I am NOT a piece of shit.

I am stronger than they ever were or will ever be.

I am more honest than they ever were or will ever be.

I am FAR more real than they ever were or will ever be.

I may never be as rich as they are... I don't want to be.
Despite my pain, I'm glad I'm me... and NOT them.

Be you... Be happy...
LOVE who you are...
Dee

Transgender Transition Highlights - Embracing the Girlie Side

It's been two weeks since my last post... I'm still here, but haven't been able to anything productive at all since my last post. Two weeks of my life wasted.

While trying to find something to motivate me, I started looking through my old photos and came across photos from the night that changed my life... October 31st, 2008.

As long as I can remember, I've been a girl... I've always felt, looked and dressed like a girl (in public, I was a tom-girl)... but the older I got, the more I began to dread looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing the increasingly hairy man looking back at me. I never thought the image in the mirror would ever look pretty again or reflect who I truly am on the inside.

My best friend invited me to his Halloween party in 2008. I was dreading going as he lived far away and shy of he and his wife, I wouldn't know anyone else that would be there.

Come Friday (October 31st), I made a deal with myself. I have always wanted to wear a really pretty dress in public but never had the guts to do it. I went to Walgreen's and picked up some makeup... even asking ladies in the makeup isle for makeup advice while I was there! I went home, finished my work, passed out the Halloween candy, then began my transformation.

I felt SO GOOD as I drove up to his house! By the time I stepped out of my car, I felt like a complete woman. I confidently strutted into the party. Although I got stares and remarks, I did not care. I felt pretty and wasn't going to let anyone ruin my night. I spent the night embracing my femininity. Although (in retrospect) I looked like a hairy man in a dress, I had the most AMAZING night, being a confident woman, and just being one-of-the-girls!

The next day I awoke feeling so liberated... So free... I went on the Internet and began to study makeup, body shaping and hair removal techniques. I was determined to get to the point where I could go out on a daily basis, being a total girlie-girl, and looking like one as well.

After 2 years of horrific makeup attempts, I finally got my makeup to the point where I was happy with what I was seeing in the mirror. I began to realize that it wasn't too late and that, with A LOT of WORK, I could actually become a "passable woman". I began HRT (to feminize my face and body) and traded my VEET hair removal routine in for a rigid (and somewhat painful) laser hair removal routine.

By 2012, I was actually confident enough to post my face on Flicker... and by January of 2014, I finally began to trek out in public, in full "a-la-fem" mode, without using Halloween as an excuse!

It's been a long, hard road... and I know I still have the toughest challenges ahead of me... but despite the pain, I'm glad I decided to pursue this journey... and proud of how much I have have overcome... and how far I've come since that night when I decided to change the caterpillar into a butterfly.

Transgender Issues - Suicidal at Family Party

Sorry this isn't a rosy post...

Today rates very low on the emotional scale.

On a day when my Agoraphobia is EXTREMELY high, I force myself to go to a "Going  Away Party" for a nephew who was moving to Colorado... I want to be there for support, as his mother is one of the few people that is always there for me when I need support... and I knew know this would be a devastating day for her.

That being said, upon arriving, I am instantly bombarded with family members who apparently are not here for support... they just came to whine about how bad their lives were.

I really want to leave, but feel I can not. I talk privately with each family member and try to help them with their issues (which were far less traumatic than what my sister-in-law and I were currently experiencing).

I keep checking the time on my cell phone... I must have been here 5 hours... OMG! Only 2??? DAMN!!!

A fiend of mine that's a local cop walks in to bid his farewells to my nephew. I stare at his gun... contemplating if I could pry it from the Velcro protector strap and use it to blow my brains out... SERIOUSLY. This is my mind set. For 10 minutes I try to talk myself out of ending my life. I convince myself that I can't do it now... considering how hard the day already was going to be for my sister-in-law. I go back to faking the happy guy emotions... being the "wacky uncle and brother".

I endure more criticism and shallow attitudes, something that on this day is even harder to bear. Eventually, everyone leaves except for my brother, sister-in-law and me. I stay to clean up, realizing that my sister-in-law is in rough shape and shouldn't be doing that at this point.

As I'm cleaning, I turn to her and try to offer some calming insight: "If you don't mind me saying..." She interrupts my positive comment with the rebuttal of, "What? Your gay?"

WOW!!!  I'm so insulted and so tempted to say, "No, I'm not Gay, I'm a Transgender". She goes on to give additional insults. I take a deep breaths and gather my thoughts. I force myself to try to ignore her and continue to lend positive support... telling myself that she is only being harsh because she was devastated by her oldest child moving far away...

I hope she feels better now... I hope my insights helped... But as of this moment... Being back home... alone and miserable... I really wish I took that gun and blew my brains out. NO ONE in my inner circle gives a fuck about (or wants to hear about) what I'm going through... and I've been feeling so hopeless lately... like no matter what I do to change my life, it just -- and I just -- keep getting worse.

I'm so glad of who I've become. I'm so glad of how strong and how brave I've been... but there are some days... like today... where when there is no hope to brighten my day, a crippling darkness falls upon me.

Sorry this wasn't a rosy post... but I think that it important to express all sides of transition.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Transgender Acceptance

It's been a while since I posted here and although nothing has changed, everything has changed.

OK... Nothing has changed regrading the job situation, the neighbors, the family, and/or all of the other issues that I've been going through. They are still the same.

What has changed is my feelings towards all the issues. I just don't care anymore.

Yes, my neighbors and neighborhood sucks, but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.

Yes, my family and friends still make offensive comments but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.

I've even begun to react to the homophobic comments like "That's a cute blouse" with responses like "Thanks, I was going to wear makeup too, but didn't have the time to put it on"! It's kind of "win-win". They laugh and I'm also getting more confident with sharing my feminine side (although I know they are praying that I'm joking and hope that I would never wear makeup around them).

Yes, I still haven't found a full time job, but I'm still managing to pay my bills and am no longer freaking out about needing to rush back into the "corporate world". Right now, getting my head straight is priority number one.

Ironically, now that I have the luxury of being able to wear makeup almost every day and posting more pics, I've actually been doing both less than before. I used to post mainly for acceptance... so I could hear from others that I was "passable" as a female. As my self-acceptance has grown, I really don't find the need for the internet acceptance anymore (and I am getting tired of overly sexual comments from guys who, if they took the time to read about me, they wouldn't be trying to "hook-up" with me).

On that note, I went through Flickr today and set many of my older photos to "Friends Only". I'm OK sharing them with other T-girls, but no longer with the "general public". I set up an Instagram account recently and will be adding a new Facebook account too... so I can post things that matter to me... for those who like me for who I am on the inside as well.

Be You...
Embrace Who You Really Are...
And Be Happy.
Dee

Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 13 Days Later

A transgender woman recently posted on Instagram, "Sick of being stuck inside my head". I responded, "I empathize with you... I'm in that mode as well right now". The longer I stay within my house, the worse I become... the more I regress into my subconscious... the more fearful I am to venture out... and the less likely I am to change anything for the better.

Today I HAD to leave the house. I went with my brother and sister to visit my Mom up in Maine and take her out for brunch.

As it was the first time I'd be seeing my sister since coming out to her, I made sure that I was closely shaven and dressed in something a bit more feminine than she is used to seeing me in... yet not so feminine that I'd freak out my brother and mother. It was a fine line to walk. If I was to have her accept me, I wanted her to see me differently... to be able to visualize me as a woman... but didn't want to potentially ruin the day for the rest of my family members by having them say WTF?.

As always, my clothes were women's wear, but much less "tom-boy" than I usually wear around them. I opted to wear a tight-fitting, feminine sweater which clearly showed that my body is becoming more feminine... and my "pecks" were now "boobs"... and tight fitting, woman's cut khaki's.

Although I got a few awkward glances from each of my family members at various points, it didn't matter to me. Nor did it matter to the dozens of strangers that we went past over the couse of the day. If anything, I actually had more women checking me out than normal!

I allowed myself to be me for the day. Sure I didn't use my lady-voice or walk... but I still felt... and looked... pretty and feminine. For me, to be able to be that way in front of my entire family, without being paranoid about it, is a HUGE step in my transition.

Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 5 Days Later

Well it’s been 5 days since I came out to my sister and I’ve been a roller coaster of emotions. I pretty much came to the conclusion that she was overly freaked out with it, and that’s why the only response was the blank text. Even though I wished that I could finally be a sister to my sister, I pretty much gave up on that. I keep having random moments of anxiety where I’m reminded of all of the things that I blurted out and then ask myself "Why did I say that"?

Aside from that, my world has totally changed. I’m finally allowing myself to drop the “tom-boy” mentality in public… where I had to try to "think like a boy". By just finally coming out, whether I was accepted or not, it freed me of the anxiety of "What if they think I’m gay?" and "What if they know someone in my family and it gets back to them?"… It just doesn’t seem to mater to me as much anymore.

I’ve also been motivated to push through my confused states and moments of depression to accomplish what needs to be done (something that has been difficult for me to do lately).

After writing the previous… I went to the mailbox to find that I received a package from my sister. She sent me a very sweet inspirational card and a frame to put it in. Although obviously to make me feel better about what we had talked about, the note, card and follow up text message didn’t mention anything about me being transgender specifically... so as much as I’m trying to deal with it, I’m assuming she probably is too. 

By sending me that gift, I know now that she wasn’t so freaked out that she totally is walking away from me as a family member (something that some others in my family would have done). Although it seems that she’s not ready yet to really accept me as a sister yet, hopefully in time, that will change. I've always dreamed of having a sister to do sister things with!

As for now, I’m just really glad that she did something that thoughtful to show that she still cares… and really glad about being able to blossom as I have over the past few days.

Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 2 Days Later

Well it's been 2 days since I admitted to anyone in my close inner circle that I'm transgender... and it's been 2 days of... "Holy Crap! Did I really do that?"... "So I guess I really just did that!"... "Why did I wait so long?"... "Should I tell more people?"... "Should I show her my blog or Flickr feeds?"

That being said, she was going to check back with me and didn't... Even though I know she's overly busy and working late this week, I just blurted out 50 years of repressed feelings to her... crying my eyes out... and, where I haven't heard from her since Sunday, I guess that I may freaked her out too much... But if it were me... and if someone that I loved called me up crying... saying that they lost their job, was transgender, and everything else that I blurted out... I wouldn't have been able to wait 2 days to call them back to see how they are doing... and/or if they were still alive at that point...

I'm starting to be reminded of how many of us DON'T have a support network that will accept us for who we are... and... WOW! It's sinking in that she is actually avoiding calling me back... I'll take the high road and apologize for freaking her out...

So I'll send her a text... apologizing... saying that I don't regret coming out to her after 50 years of holding it in... but I also realize that it may be to much for her to hear and if she doesn't want to talk about it I'll understand...

I just received a blank text as a response... I didn't know it was possible to send a blank text... Apparently, if you just pull up the text and hit send without writing anything, that's what happens... I guess it's supposed to mean you have nothing to say... I'm guessing that she's not embracing the fact that she has a new sister... So I guess that just happened...

Well... even though I'm in tears right now... it was kind of like buying a lottery ticket... For 2 days... I was imagining that maybe my life would be changed a bit for the better...

Now that reality has hit me hard again... I know... more than ever... It's time to move on... Even if she calls me back at some point... I know that she's really not cool with it. Was her reaction on Sunday was just the plastic face that everyone in my family puts on before they avoid and ridicule you? I hope not.

Oh well... At least I finally came out and tried to stay in the family... Now I can move on... It really hurts... but it drives me even more to find somewhere else... far away from my past... somewhere where I hopefully can be happy.

Please don't let this discourage you. Some families are actually understanding than mine. I don't regret coming out... It's something that I should have done years ago... and I'm glad that I finally told someone in my family that I am transgender.

   

Transgender Issues - Coming Out to Family

Holy Shit!   Is this real? 

My sister was asking to meet up with me for coffee for a while now and I've been dreading it, as I don't like lying to people and wasn't ready to tell her about loosing my job.

As she is is frequently inundated with people pouring their hearts upon her shoulder, I sent her a message saying that I couldn't meet up as I didn't want to lie about how great thing were and would contact her once things were going better. She, being the awesome person she is, wanted me to call her back.

I started to admit to her about losing my job... and how I was fearful of even leaving my house at this point to look for work... and it somehow transitioned into a discussion about me being Transgender!

She was UNBELIEVABLY cool about it! We then talked for 3 hours about what my next steps should be.

Time Warp Back: When I was a little girl, my sister was always my role model... my mentor... and who I wanted to emulate. At some point, that all changed and we grew apart. I SO wanted to tell her who I was and longed to have a sister to share girlie things with, but never did.

In the last 3 hours, I blurted out decades worth of shit that I was dying to say to her... and she was SO COOL WITH IT ALL! As we talked I was going through my Flickr stuff and I remarked about how my "female me" that I posted online was so much cuter than what she's used to seeing (I was tempted to send her this pic... but didn't yet... as I don't want to totally overload her).

OK... even though I had two drinks (obviously not drunk), I also asked her to text me back to confirm that I actually came out to her and she is cool  with it! As I am typing this, she is texting me back... Yup! It's Real! HOLY SHIT! Love her so much! 

I just texted her back with this inquisitive question: "Why didn't we talk about this years ago?" along with her thoughts of having a sister named Jill (Yes Jill... That's my REAL new name). She agreed that Jill is a good choice for me! 

My bad! I've spent SO MANY YEARS worried about what other people's feelings would be about me being female... when deep down... I knew that the people who truly love me wouldn't care. Maybe it's time to let me be me and finally allow myself to be happy?

Be you.
Be Happy.
Dee

Dee Burke - Spring Update

Although many things in my personal life have gotten more difficult and gloomy since the job loss, there are a few positive notes:

1.     Since I'm already stressed and not able to do much that's productive, I decided to quit smoking. Why quit smoking when my life is at a low point? I NEED to do something positive... and considering I'm already in so much pain... why not add a little more if it means that at least something positive will come out of this horrific time in my life?
2.     I'm becoming so much more confident in displaying my "girlie mode" in public. I've been taking daily walks with my dog and practicing my more feminine walk in public... and at this point, I actually feel very comfortable with my feminine mannerisms... so much so that it feels natural now... even around people I know... which leads me to point number 3...
3.     I'm VERY close to coming out in a major way to everyone I know. I'm thinking that I may just do a new Facebook account under my new "girlie name" and posting something on the current account saying who I really am and then saying "If you still want to be my friend then you are welcome to friend me at the new account". I know it may sound extreme, but if I were to just disappear (like I originally planed on doing), I know the rumors would be worse than the truth... so I'd rather do it under my conditions... and in my own words.

Something that surprises me though is... now that I actually can wear makeup every day and take photos more often... I wear makeup and take take photos much less often that before. I guess it has to do with the lack of motivation to do much of anything at this point... because I definitely feel much more feminine than I ever have before... and that's the best positive note of all!

Here is one series that I did mange to take:

I have been motivated in some areas however, including my laser treatments... which after 3 years FINALLY seem to be getting me closer to being hair-free.

Oh... Final Side Note: I've also let go of my fear of wearing what I considered being things that are "overly girlie" in public. Although I still don't wear dresses or spike heels around neighbors, friends and/or family, I have been going out wearing VERY feminine blouses/tops, jeans, shoes/boots... etc...

Basically, if need to leave the house to walk the dog or go to the store now, I just go out in whatever I have on at the time (unless it's a dress). I've stopped worrying about -- or caring about -- what others may say or think. Surprisingly, I haven't gotten one negative comment or glare. I guess it's due to my gradual transformation into androgyny, along with my new found self-confidence in my femininity and the fact that I really don't care anymore. It's so freeing and so liberating to be who I truly am.

Be you... Happiness will eventually come...
Dee

Transgender M2F and Transitioning Advice - Plan for the Future

I've created a 7 year plan which includes moving to a more Trans-friendly area, working a Trans-friendly job (or retiring early) and living 24/7 -- inside the house AND outside the house -- as a woman... Wearing whatever I want, whenever I want, and looking however I want... WITHOUT worrying about what other people think.

I've been making bold strides to accomplish my goals ahead of time:

1. Location: I've been doing heavy research on the most Trans-friendly areas to move to... England, San Fran, Orlando, Portland, etc. Portland seems to be the best mix of affordability and lifestyle so I'm currently checking into the city, clubs and housing there.
2. Coming Out: I made a "coffee date" with my sister and plan to tell her about being Transgender. I'm not sure if I'll go through with it though. We used to be very close but now that she is "born-again", I don't know how she'll take it... so I'll drop a few hints before I drop the bomb.
3. Names: After years of trying to choose my new name, I've finally decided on what my new name will be! (Dee Burke was just something quick that I came out with, never what I wanted once I transitioned. My first name begins with "D" so several years ago I dropped my full first name and just began using "D" or "Dee" when I sign things... and Burke was a fake last name that my mom used after her divorce).
4. Practice: I've been practicing the walk and the talk a lot more lately. Tonight I took my dog for a 3+ mile walk in TG mode... practicing my "girlie walk" the whole time. I've perfected it in the house (in heels... I always wear heels in my house) but it's much harder to master the walk in public and in sneakers! It took about 2 miles before I got it down (SO hard to do when the dog is pulling on the leash) but once I got it perfected, I felt SO GOOD! I'm going back out now for another long walk! I need to get to the point where it's totally natural (without thinking about it a I'm doing it).

Be You...
Be Real...
Be Happy.
Dee

Transgender Holidays, Family, Goals & Emails

Those of you that follow the blog may be wondering why I didn't post anything about Christmas and/or my New Years goals. Truth be known... I wanted to... but forced myself not to. I didn't want to bring everyone down with negative posts during the holidays.

Let's just say, Christmas was a revamp of my Thanksgiving and my only goals for this year are surviving and moving forward on both my transition and away from what happened last year.

On a possessive note, I received the nicest email today thanking me for the blog! That being said, it inspired me to write this update to the blog.

I finally stopped having the work nightmares and my health issues have also subsided (apparently, they were related to the stress of working heath-care jobs I for the past 7 years).

I'm still moving forward on the androgyny transformation... and developed a long-term plan that should allow me to live exactly how I want -- and wherever I want -- while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.

Although I have NO idea what my next job will be, I'm still paying the bills doing the web design (for those who haven't been following, the heath-care thing was more or less a volunteer job that helped to pay the bills during my slow months).

I'm not sure what the future holds, but for now, I'm concentrating on getting my house, head, and life back to where it should be.

That's all for now... but please feel free to email me with any positive comments you may have. The emails I receive really help me to remain optimistic and to move forward towards true happiness.

Thanks in advance,
Dee