Transgender Transformations Transcend Tradition

Yeah... So the title was overly cheesy... but is that what felt like using... as I'm getting into being me again!

I've decided (for now) to just be me and become full "A-la-fem"!

Along with the HRT, I started "over-tweezing" again and am "over doing" the Laser Therapy for hair removal (you need to remove what you want to before you get a suntan, so I need to do it now).

It's the new "Surprise, I'm a girl!" philosophy I recently adopted... I'm not planning on coming out to anyone this year.... but it's going to be so friggen obvious that they'll either know or just flat out ask me!

Considering the rest of my life sucks right now, I've got ABSOLUTELY nothing left to loose... and everything to gain... by embracing who I am... who I want to be... and who I need to be!

Be You...
Be Happy...
Dee

Transgender Transition - Estrofem vs Estrogel - Day 10

From the first dosage of Estrofem (tablets), I felt a "feminine rush" throughout my body for several hours after taking them. My body tingled and I felt so much more "girlie". I was hoping the same with the Estrogel, but I've actually only felt dizzy after applying it (no "feminine rush" at all)... until now...

Soon after spreading the Estrogel over my hips last night (day 10), I began to feel SO feminine. The fact that my hips were tingling also helped to solidify the feeling... as each step I took made me feel more feminine!

My body, my mind, and my soul felt so feminine for the past 12 hours! I didn't even try to "tom-boy-it-up" when I was around other co-workers. I was feeling totally girlie-girl and didn't want to stop the feeling.

Although I'm (today) feeling more feminine than with the Estrofem and my face is already beginning to look more feminine (the photo to the right), I do miss the tingling throughout my whole body that Estrofem provided me. Hopefully that will come in time... and hopefully I will continue to feel as feminine as I did last night and today... time will tell and I'll keep you updated.

Side note for those who want to feel feminine but are NOT looking to become a woman: The sensation comes with a price... If you read my blogs from the last time I took Estrogen... becoming more girlie may also mean your little "masculine buddy" may become smaller... so you need to decide what is more important to you and your future happiness before you partake ANY female medications, therapies and/or permanent transitions... aside from manscaping...

Yes... PLEASE feel free to trim and tweeze your eyebrows!

Side note 2: Please feel free to comment if you find this blog helpful. Although I don't check my Gmail and posts as often as I'd like to, it really makes my day when I hear that I have been able to help others understand themselves better... or even maybe just brightened up their day!

Be you...
Be happy...
Dee

Transgender HRT Update - Estrogen Pills versus Estrogen Gel

Well I got the HRT meds on Wednesday (4 days ago)...

The last time I was on HRT, I took the pill version (Estrofem) along with a male testosterone blocker (which is suggested if you take the pills, so you don't screw up your liver). This time I opted for the gel as I don't want to reduce "my buddy's size" right now and I can control the dosages (which the patch doesn't allow for).

Although it's only been a few days, I'm feeling much calmer then before... and am getting back to the IDGAF attitude that I had the last time that I was on HRT... and surprisingly, I can see a bit clearer??? (My eyesight, even with glasses, has been off recently... but after going back on HRT, it's back to what it was before... weird right?). The negative is I've had less energy and am a dizzy... but hopefully that will wear off with time.

Gel vs Pills (so far): Soon after taking the pill form, I felt SO GIRLIE... my skin also became very sensitive (especially my nipples). With the gel so far, I'm actually feeling less feminine than before I started it. Again, hopefully that will change, but if not, I'll switch over to the patch or possible injections (as much as I hate needles). I'll update the blog once I notice any other changes/differences. It may just be that the recommended dosage for the gel is less than for the pills...

Reality and Regret: I started this blog in 2012, soon after I started HRT, to chronicle my journey for those who were considering following the same path. As I was concerned about how quickly my breast were growing and what people might say or think, I slowed the dosages down dramatically after about 10 months and stopped it all together after about a year and a half. Looking back in 2018, I wasted 5 years of my life by worrying about what others may think.

In reality, I should have let the T&A grow out... I would have been much happier with myself, much further along, and, if anyone commented about it, it would have been a good "ice-breaker" for saying, "well I'm actually transgender".

Hopefully, I won't make the same mistake again. Life's too short and I'm tired of waiting to become the woman that I've always wanted to be.

Whatever your goals and dreams are... stay true to them... and yourself...

Be you. Be happy.
Dee

Trangender Update: Coming out to family, Employment & Self-esteem

Sorry it's been so long since the last update...

Truth is... it's been hell and...  
A: I don't like to whine... and  
B: I've had NO motivation to post ANYTHING on social media lately...
but I'm finally trying to make Lemons from Lemonade again.

Lemon: The schooling thing was a big waste of time and a LOT of money... It was the professor's 3rd job and he spent most nights sleeping through the class (or texting) when he should have been teaching us. Come to find out, this is the third time that he taught this class and not one of his students was ever certified.

Lemonade: At least it got me out of my funk... sort of.


Lemon: Coming out to my sister was a big waste of time as she finally made it clear that she doesn't want to accept me as a sister... but will humor me if need be to keep me in her life (as I will most likely be her only remaining family member left in the near future...).

Lemonade: That (and the ridiculous and hateful family dramas that has been going on lately) has made my decision to move away that much easier...

Lemon: The new job SUCKS and gets worse every week...
One of the main reasons why I decided to work for this company is that it was "supposedly" one of the most transgender friendly companies in the country... yet I've run into so many situations of co-workers calling me "faggot" and other demeaning comments...
Also... me being me... giving 100%... I'm once again doing not only my work, but also being asked to do the work of all of my fellow employees as well... Yes. we all get paid the same... but I get stuck with most of the workload... once again...

Lemonade: The job sucks and if I do leave there, I don't plan in keeping in touch with anyone there anymore... so I've been using that to my advantage.
As I usually work by myself, I've been practicing my feminine walk and mannerisms while I work. Truth be known, it's now become my new "normal mode" and I find myself having to try to act masculine when around others! 

Moving On: There are SO many other negative things that I could list (that have happened since the last post) that I won't go into...
As I said before... I've been through hell... but now it's time to move on.

I decided to go back on HRT... I'm not waiting until I move and/or until things get better before I go "Full-fem". Being feminine and being my true self is the one and only thing that gives me any sense of joy anymore... and I'm not going to deny myself of that.
Life is too short and I'm not waiting any longer.

I realize that I'm bringing on more drama and more pain... but after loosing so much... it's time to trust in the only things that I know are real... the way I truly feel... and who I've always wanted to be.

Finding Employment and Who Your True Friends are on Your Transgenger Journey

Well it's been a quick month since my last post... and a long, painful year since I lost my 2nd job.

I wasted a day going up to see my biggest web client which was a big mistake... as he was horrendously mean. Even though I've brought his company hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, the first words out of his mouth were, "I want you to give me a thousand dollar refund!" He has been making huge mistakes with his company and is trying to squeeze the lost money from his vendors. Needles to say, I refused and lost the contract. Despite that and the lack of the second job, I somehow managed to pay my bills for the month.

The motivation of being back in school has also waned. As my professor is juggling 3 jobs, he seems to be less than motivated to be interactive during class and is not being clear on what our homework assignments are supposed to be... so I'm left to guess as far as what chapter I'm actually supposed to study next. Combine that with me not being able to retain everything I'm studying and you can see why I'm less than optimistic about the time, effort and money that I sank into this course.

On a good note, Today I went on through quickest (and probably the best) interview process that I've ever been through and was hired on the spot (pending a drug test and records check). I usually hate interviews and suck at them but today went well. The money isn't great, but the schedule is perfect, it will get me out of the house, and it will also help me to pay the mortgage.

As it has been one year of hell... I'm starting to look back on it and realize once again that the few people that I actually confided in... the few people who could have helped... the few people that I reached out to because I know that they could have gotten me a job... well... they didn't seem to really care a whole hell of a lot. They were too tied up in their own issues and also didn't want to look bad by recommending me to a company for employment in my depressed state. Once again, I found out that the only person that I can count on is me.

I'll use that as a motivational force as I move on. I will use that to inspire me to find a new community and group of friends who really do care... who are willing to reciprocate the love and empathy that I give towards them.

I'm (hopefully) back on track...
Step 1: Pay the Bills & Continue My Transition
Step 2: Plan & Move Somewhere that is Trans Friendly 
Step 3: Legally Change My Name (and don't give the info to the homo-phoebes in my circle and/or those who aren't there for me)



 

Trangender Motivation... Transgender Hope

Antisocial Month: It's been a long, hard month since my last post. As I desperately needed to come up with money to pay the bills and mortgage,  I found myself withdrawing even more... sleeping all day and not even applying for jobs.

"This is NOT ME!"   "I always bounce back."   "I always do well under pressure."
"WOW! I guess my Depression & Agoraphobia is far worse than I thought! I need to do something drastic!"

I decide to take another "leap of faith". Although I have ZERO dollars left in my bank account, last week, I decide to go back to school and get certified as an A+ technician (which is VERY expensive).

Rewind Time: I went to college for IT a long time ago... and did it for a while... but that was years ago.
So much has changed since then... and ALL employers now want people who are recently certified.

Fast Forward: The courses are VERY intensive! We are cramming an entire semester course in every 2 weeks... So basically, I'm doing the equivalent of 6 to 8 college courses (along with all the homework) within 13 weeks! Not so easy for me considering the state I've been in for the last year.

That being said, last week was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I did NOT have ANY nightmares.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually had a reason to get up.
It was the first week in OVER A YEAR that I actually was motivated to do what needed to be done (Beyond the school stuff... I was actually motivated to do the home stuff and the money stuff as well).

The Moral of This Story: A life without hope makes you become hopeless. 
If you feel hopeless, force yourself into situations that will lead you down a more positive path...
Give yourself something to believe in... 

Side Note 1: It's not easy... I'm still battling with the Agoraphobia and still have bad days that I find it hard to do anything at all...but with hope, I find myself pushing through the negativity and accomplishing what needs to be done.
I really hope that most of the Transgenders that are reading this haven't ever gotten to as dark of a place as I have gotten to within the last year.
I also hope that those who are in that dark place realize that there's always something that you can do to spark yourself out of the darkness... It may not be perfect, but a little ray of light can warm your heart and light your way to future happiness.

Side Note 2: I still need a second job ASAP so I can pay the October bills. Hopefully I'll be able to get back to being the tough, "I can do whatever is thrown at me" chick soon... so I get that second job... and also handle doing both school AND a new job as well.