Not So Merry Christmas for This Transgender

On Christmas Eve I was handed a notice saying that my employer (from my second job) was going to replace me (I'm getting laid off) because they need full time employees.

I was informed by my co-workers that the real reasons were that, by being vocal in standing up for the rights of the residents of the nursing home and my fellow employees... I didn't "fit their new corporate-mold", and that, even though they know that laying me off will be detrimental to the overall happiness of the residents, the new managers care only care about their corporate goals and how they look to the owners.

Not only was I pissed off, I couldn't even talk to anyone about it because I didn't want to ruin anyone's holiday with my bad news. That being said, I also opted to stay home alone for the holidays because it was too hard for me to fake a smile after that.

Now that I look back on it, I wouldn't want to work for ANYONE that is cruel enough to fire someone on Christmas Eve and/or would make so many people miserable just to advance in their own careers anyways.

Coming out to Ma was also ignored (see November 22, 2015 blog). I got the standard boy stuff (she left a package at my brother's house... she didn't even make an effort to stop by my house to drop it off herself).

Although that scenario sucked, I was more sad over the fact that there was STILL no birthday present from her. You see... she called one night, ranting about how much she spent on my brother and sister on their birthday presents. The problem is... she NEVER gave ME a birthday present this year (3rd time in 5 years with no present from her)... and my birthday was several month ago! If you don't get me a present... that's OK... but don't throw it in my face by whining about how much you spent on my siblings!

I guess my best Christmas present out of all this "lack of Christmas" is realizing that I've always cared more about making others happy than I cared about making myself happy... I always put my priorities last. I finally have to accept the fact that I need to prioritize my needs and happiness before those who are detrimental to me and/or others.

I'm sorry if this sounds like whining... I just thought it's important to post the bad as well as the good...

Trangenders Coming Out

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving weekend!

This is my naive turkey collage from https://www.flickr.com/photos/deedeeburke.

As you may know from reading the blog, I am still hesitant to wear dresses and/or full makeup in front of most people... especially clients and/or homophobic neighbors.

Yesterday, "unavoidable situations" forced me to speak with a client while I still had make-up on... and later I bumped into a few neighbors while I was wearing a cute sweater dress. 

A few months ago, (with me being me and overthinking everything) I would have been SO paranoid and/or devastated about the potential outcome... but surprisingly... it was no big deal. Their reactions weren't too bad... and I honestly didn't care much about it afterwards. 

It happened... Oh well... Nothing I can do to change it... And for what it's worth, that's a few less people I don't have to come out to.

Self-confidence is SO freeing!

Be You...   Be Happy...   

Dee

Transgender Goals and Gifts

Huge step for me!

My mom called me up to ask what I wanted for Christmas... I told her that I could really use some new work clothes... then she asked me what size I was...

I old her that I'm a women's size XS, size 4 or Junior's size 3... those are the sizes that fit me PERFECTLY!

She faked surprise (those who follow the post may remember that she once caught me sneaking in to "borrow" her clothes and was horrified).

I reminded her that she used to buy girl's sizes when I was younger and she was all-of-a-sudden cool with it!

Let's go back: Supposedly she bought the girl sizes because she couldn't find the "boys sizes"... but truth be known... she always really wanted another daughter to dress up and make pretty... (something she did admit to me once).

Let's go back a bit more: When I was very young, she sensed that I thought I was a girl and knew that I loved girlie things... so she happily let me dress in girlie outfits and even wear her wigs... until my homophobic farther put an end to that. He exploded his towards her and "forced me to be a man". After that, she was was afraid to think of me as anything but a boy... thus the problems with me "coming out" to her. (Nonetheless, she did occasionally buy girlie things for me... which made us both very happy).

Coming back to present day:  My farther passed away this year... Between that and my new-found bravery... I thought it was time that Mom and I both come to grips with the fact that she does have another daughter! And yes... I do like to dress up and and feel pretty!

Win number 1: She now knows (for certain) that really only want and only wear girlie clothes!

Win number 2: I might finally get a presents that I actually like! 

My goal was duo-fold: Coming out to her (a bit more) and hopefully getting some really pretty outfits! 

My mom is the queen of shopping and has so many pretty and elegant outfits! I'd love it if she allowed herself to accept me as her "other daughter" again...  buying me pretty outfits... giving me her hand-me-downs (like she does with my sister)... and maybe even buying me some extremely fem stuff too! 

Screw getting socks and sweaters for Christmas! I want to start getting panties instead of socks and tunics instead of sweaters!

Once that happens... I'll break down in tears of happiness... finally knowing that she really does love me as I am.

Will it happen? I don't know... But Kudos to me for putting it out there (along with my true self) for her to digest. I've overcome my fears... it's time for her to overcome hers.

Side note: The pics to the right are me from a few days ago... adding to the +1's! The middle pic is me being brave enough to go out in the yard in a dress (Yes... I wore a dress outside again) with full make-up! The top and bottom pics were just prior to taking my dog out... again in full make-up... in full sight of my homophobic neighbors! The +1 boldness has led to huge steps my transition and has helped me to tell Mom what a girl really wants for Christmas!

Be you. Be Happy.

Dee

Transgender Goals - Plus 1 - Getting Braver

Plus 1 is really working well! I have to admit that I haven't stuck to it every day, but on the days I do, I've been so much braver!

I have lightened my hair and gone out in public (very fem with full makeup) almost every evening (much earlier than before). I was even brave enough to go out in full a-la-fem during the afternoon!

Granted it's only around my yard and neighborhood, but considering how homophobic my neighbors are... these are huge steps for me and are greatly aiding in building up my self-confidence.

My current goal is to be so self-confident, that I'll be able to go out full a-la-fem to a very public place -- a club, shopping, whatever -- before the end of the winter... without being paranoid! I'm almost there!

The next goal (after that ) is to become confident enough... that I won't ever feel paranoid about being the real me in public again. Wearing whatever... whenever... and where-ever... I want!

Sure I'll still get grief... but if I once I get to that point, the opinions of the homo-phoebes will be totally laughed off! I'm almost there with that too... considering that I no longer care about how much I've lost to become who I want to be -- who I need to be -- and knowing that what matters to me is remaining proud of who I am and following my goals.

Be You...
Be Brave...

Plus 1 - Transgender Goals

I recently decided that I'm going to take 1 new and brave action each day -- every day -- toward my goal. I list each one with a "+1" in my daily calendar (to make sure I stay with the program).

The rules: It must be something brave... something that I was afraid to do... and something that I've never done before.

The results: I've become so much braver... much more confident in being myself... and finally don't care (for the most part) about homo-phoebes.

The pictures to the right are from last night. It was really a Plus 6!

I always loved this jacket, but wearing a shiny pink jacket outside is a bit too fem... same with the tight, shiny leggings and sweater boots.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this outfit! I dreamed for years of wearing this outfit outside the house. I even drew several pictures of me in this outfit -- just chillin' in my yard -- to inspire me to make it a reality... but I was never brave enough to wear it outside.

Last night I wore all 3 outside (+3)... in full view of my homophobic neighbors (+4)... in the early evening (+5) (I'm assuming the homo-phoebes were still awake).

Did they notice? I don't care (+6). I felt SO RELAXED and just sat in my yard, enjoying the crisp Fall evening. MAJOR victory to my goals and my self-esteem!

Does the "Plus 1" work? It's working unbelievably well for me.

Be brave. Be you.

D

Something Special - Transgender Issues and Acceptance

Nothing special about the look… I’m just wearing an old, unflattering outfit (bodysuit, tights, a plain skirt and an old fleece jacket) with no makeup.

What is special is the way I felt…

After a very long, hard day, I decided to slip into something a bit more feminine, go outside and TRY to unwind.

As I sat outside in the crisp fall air, for the first time in a long time, I felt so relaxed and so at peace. I know I’m not the prettiest girl… but in that moment… I felt like I was. Despite the hardships of the past and those that lie ahead… I was so glad to be me and THAT was something special. 

Side note: The clarity also allowed me to look back on recent hardships and look forward on upcoming challenges.  I'm realizing once again that hard challenges are made even harder when I force myself to not be myself. When I find the need to play the male role around co-workers, family and friends, I easily become frustrated and make bad decisions. This is starting to create new problems for me as well.

I need to expedite my plans for dropping all of the unwanted, falsely boyish things from my life... and get rid of the situations and people in my life that I feel are forcing me to comply with their ideals.

Transgender Transitions

So... Someone was curious how the physical progress was going....

Hormones:
Still going VERY slowly on the hormones (See the 5/12/13 post). It wasn't just the boob thing... I kind of like my... you know... so I decided that, for now, I really want to keep it. That being said, it was very scary to see it get smaller... so I still take "maintenance" doses to keep the hormones in check, but have reverted to other methods for my feminization.

Laser Hair Removal:
The laser hair removal has been going on for over a year, which is longer that I thought it would be, but overall, I'm glad I'm doing it. It's going great in some places, and not so great in others... which means that I've gone all summer without wearing shorts around friends and family (still "patchy" in some places).

Body Sculpting:
I've been on a new regiment of non hormonal body sculpting which has been working VERY well for me (if you want to know the particulars, please feel free to email me). I never wanted to look like Dolly Parton... I prefer to look like a healthy, athletic woman. I've re-sculpted my bum, legs and boobs and now am beginning to LOVE what I see in the mirror (not being cocky, just happy of the woman looking back at me). With a bit more work, I'll be at my goal. The pic to the right is NOT a padded bra... That's where they're at.

The bra thing is actually funny... There was a time when the first thing I did after getting home was to put on a bra and a pair of heels... but now that I have boobs, I prefer to go bra-less. I now LOVE how camisoles look and feel on me WITHOUT the bra.

Still paranoid about the over-tweezing thing though (which I just did AGAIN)... so hopefully I can find a compromise look for now that will keep me happy when I look in the mirror, but won't get me more grief at work..

I wish I could just go full out and be accepted... but that's just a fantasy... so I'll keep with the slow conversion until I meet my goals.

Stay strong and follow your goals...
Luv Dee

Transgender Roads

The past week has graced me with amazing piece-of-mind. I now refuse to stress out about what other people do... and don't do... I now refuse to stress out about what I can't accomplish... I'm just taking life on step at a time and focusing on MY happiness for once.

These are HUGE steps for me, because I've always been "Type A"... but by refusing stress and embracing my new philosophy, I'm finally empowered to be the REAL me.

A nice side effect happened a few nights ago. I decided to celebrate the coming fall by dressing in something that I NEVER would have worn outside a month ago (the left picture).

Yes the homophobic neighbor was creeping again, but I didn't let it phase me. I just sat looking at the stars enjoying my wine.
 
By 4 AM, I was feeling so empowered and so much braver that I traded the long skirt for a leather mini (the right picture) and went for a walk around the neighborhood... just because I wanted to.

In the days since, I've been going out in VERY feminine fashions... both day and night... without too much thought of what others may say.

Transgender Reflections, Changes and Goals

Labor Day is the time to reflect on the passing summer and prep for the fall.

It’s been a long hard summer for me. I stepped up once again to do the right thing… and unfortunately, although I was able to help out a lot of other people and make a lot of positive changes, it inevitably cost me VERY dearly.

The one good thing that came from my personal losses is that I am now forced to go down a different life path. Everything in life happens for a reason and I think I actually needed to go through all of this to realize what's truly important in my life.

What will happen… I do not know… but I think I need to finally start focusing on me and what makes me truly happy.

As for now, I'm dressed up in my favorite summer top and miniskirt and going into my yard to enjoy this beautiful summer night... ignoring what the homophobic neighbors will say... 

I'm doing this for me.

Side note (2 hours later): I'm out in my yard trying to relax and my homophobic neighbor is trying to take pictures of me in my own yard??? (And no... I did not talk to her or ask her to do that... she's just taking them to show her friends the freak next door (me)... and it's SO obvious, because the flash from the camera
is lighting up the part of my back yard where I'm sitting... Aren't there laws against that?) WTF???

I'm not upset... I actually feel bad for her... That her life is so boring... that she would get her kicks out of doing that. It only makes me more determined to find a new transgender friendly abode and a new transgender friendly job... ASAP!

Transgender Acceptance

You know you're in a good place...
when you can take all of your makeup off...
and you still feel pretty!

Transgender Goals - Coming Out to Friends

I'm invited to a barbeque by friends I haven't seen in a while. It's really hot out... everyone will be wearing shorts... but I'm not comfortable with the way my legs look (halfway through the laser therapy, my legs are pale with a bit of stubble).

Shit! Now what do I do? I guess I have to wear jeans... but if I have to wear jeans... I'm going to wear the most comfortable, feminine ones I have... along with a cute and very comfy Danskin tank top and women's sandals! I attempted this a while ago at a family barbeque and it turned out to be a day of uncomfortable looks and judgmental snickering.

I prepare myself for the worse case scenario and the best. If they say anything about me looking overly feminine, I'll thank them and and explain about my transition. If I can't be me in front of my friends, then they're not worth hanging out with anymore.

The best case scenario? I pack up a few really girlie outfits. Although I always been myself around this group of friends, I've never had the courage to wear a cute dress, mini-skirt, bathing suit and/or high heels while we hung out. I've been fantasizing about this for years! Will I finally find the courage to do it?

As I drive there, I feel so free. It's been a while since I allowed myself to wear anything so obviously girlie in public.

When I arrive, I don't get one stare or negative comment from anyone at the barbeque. I guess that's the difference between my family and my friends. My true friends accept me for who I truly am... and my family... not so much.

I look as feminine as the rest of the women, so as much as I want to slip into a dress, I would be over-dressed (or under-dressed?) if I do change into a dress. Oh well...

 

I'm feeling brave again... or maybe I just don't care about what shallow homophobes think anymore... but either way, I actually ventured into the back yard today, which is partially visible to my neighbors, in a cute bikini to work on my tan lines!

Be you and you will be happy.

Dee

Transgender Goals

2014 was a banner year. I pushed the envelope at work and in my family life and am ready to go even further in 2015.

Due to over-tweezing eyebrows and becoming more brave in my fashion choices, it has become apparent to most people that I prefer to be a woman. I was subject to various comments and snickering, but I actually became happier in the process... as I learned that:

1. Within showing my true self, the shallow comments and repercussions were far less painful than NOT being allowed to be myself.
2. Many of my fears about transitioning were without merit.
3. The people that were the most shallow were the people that didn't need or want in my life anyways.

My resolutions for 2015:

1: Be a ray of sunshine. I want to get back to being the warm, encouraging person I used to be (due to 80 hour work weeks and being over-stressed, I've been tending to be very whiny lately, especially around friends and family).

2: Find inner peace. For me this means I need to stop worrying about finances (which should be easier to do if I just keep reminding myself that my finances are set for the remainder or the year), and allow myself to enjoy my life... and myself... as I am... without exception.

3: Balance "the wheel". Life has many aspects and if you were to put them all into a pie-chart, you may find that your "life wheel" may not be balanced, thus not allowing you to roll smoothly through life. I consider my life wheel to be:

1. Finances - Enough money to pay the bills... basic survival.
2. Home - A stress-free place to return to at the end of a stressful day.
3. Peace of Mind - Feeling good about who we are and where we are in life.
4. Free Time / Stress Reduction - Many people, especially workaholics, find it hard to find time to relax and do "fun stuff".
5. Friends/Family Life - Sometimes, we need to find more time to spend with those who mean the most to us and can make us laugh.
6. Future - Swim or drown. You have to keep prepare for what will come... and chasing our dreams and goals helps us from feeling "hopeless".

My secondary goals for 2015:

1: Slowly coming out to friends and family. Yes it's obvious that I prefer to be a woman, but if I actually say that I'm transgender, I'm hoping that I will open more doors of expression and allow myself to feel more free around people. I'm also hoping that some of my female friends and family will embrace my honesty and maybe even give me a make-over and some of their old clothes!

The picture to the right is a recreation of a lesbian co-worker who I'm contemplating coming out to... I'm obsessed with the thoughts being able to try on a few of her cute outfits!

2: Become more comfortable being "Ala fem" in public. Whether relaxing in my yard or taking an occasional excursion into the "real world", I need to feel less paranoid about being "overly girlie-girl" around others.

3: Androgyny. I found that for myself, the transition into becoming somewhat androgynous was more acceptable than going directly into becoming a woman.

• I plan to work towards full androgyny this year so that by next year, it should be easy to go fully fem. 
• I'm planning to keep up with the laser hair removal treatments, but will keep some facial and arm hair for the time being. 
• I also bought some junior's clothing to wear to work and when I go out which is far more feminine than what I wore last year. I'm planning to keep pushing the envelope until I'm confident that I'll be able to finally ease into going out in makeup, dresses and even stiletto heels!

I wish you all a successful 2015... and also... the strength to pursue what truly makes you happy.

Love,
Dee