Premonition – Positive and Negative

Some people  think I procrastinate too much. That's not really true. I was "blessed" (or more accurately... cursed) with knowing when sucky things are going to happen... before they happen. If I know something is going to suck, no matter how important it is, I'll put it off as long as possible.

Today was one of those days... and again... I was SO right.

That being said, if know that sucky things will happen before they happen, there must be people that know when good things will happen before they happen. I wish that was the case with me! If I knew what situations I should capitalize on... which ones would lead to positive solutions... my life would be SO much different than it is right now.

   

Transgender Dream Transformations and Transgender Tucking

Those who have been following the blog know that it's been a rough year fill with pain and nightmares. The problem with nightmares is when you wake up negative, it's SO difficult to think positively and be optimistic... thus making it EXTREMELY difficult to accomplish ANYTHING positive. But what if we could navigate our dreams?

I recently began a new nightly regiment. As I feel myself dozing off, I focus on thoughts that I want to dream about... being accepted as transgender... wearing a cute outfit that I recently saw on a lady friend of mine... reliving my childhood memories of dressing up in girlie clothes as soon as my mother and siblings left the house...

I soon found that (as long as I don't sleep more than 8 hours) I'm having more and more positive dreams... and sometimes even dreaming what I WANT TO DREAM!  (If I sleep more than 8 hours, I still have negative nightmares.)

Last night I tried to convince myself that I was going to wake up transformed into a woman who inspires me. Once I fell asleep, I had the most WONDERFUL dreams! I awoke feeling that I actually WAS her!

Second topic... Can't think of an appropriate transition for this so I'll just go right into it... Wait... Picture John Cleese saying "And now for something completely different!"

I like my thingy and... as of right now... don't plan on getting rid of it... That being said, I recently began tucking... You know... Hiding the thingy...

It initially started as curiosity about to to do it right for when I go out a-la-fem... and not having it be as painful as it sounds. Once I started doing it, I soon discovered how feminine I feel when I do it... I do it very often now... especially when I'm going for a walk or doing errands. For me, it's not about hiding it, it's about how feminine it makes me feel.

Honesty Lies Within the Lies

I spent a large portion of my life believing that I was a freak because I wasn't like everyone else. Beyond the transgender issue, there were other things that I thought no-one ever dealt with in their "perfect" (but boring) lives.

The older I get and the more I talk to people about "real things", the more I realize that everyone is a freak in their own way... and the stuff that I thought made me a freak is far less freaky than what I have learned about people who portray themselves to have perfect lives.

It's a shame that so many people find the need to lie about how great things are... how great their life is... and how perfect their families are... when the truth is the exact opposite.

If people were more true about who they truly are and what they are going through, I think there would be a lot more caring, support and love in this world.

Transgender Employment, Role Models and Karma

I was once passed over for a promotion at a former job... and the girl that they hired was from outside the company and was far less qualified for the position than I was. The reason was made clear early on... Whenever she walked down the hallway, all the guys would become tongue tied, then stop and stare.

My infatuation with her was quite different. I was infatuated by the fact that her features were so similar to mine. Every one of my overly-male features that I have and constantly dwelled upon (my hands, my nose, my jaw-line, my chin, etc), she had as well... yet they thought that she was beautiful. Although I was bummed about not getting the promotion, I was actually glad to work with her, because she was a constant reminder that I could actually become a viable female.

Today I stumbled upon her modeling website. What? Modeling website? At first I was shocked because, again, she has the same features as me and I don't think I'm pretty at all... then reality set in...

Those who know me know that I am NOT overly cocky or conceited... If anything I'm overly critical of myself. That being said, I pulled up my pictures next to hers and was astounded! Even though our noses, hands, and our figures are about the same... her jawline, chin, and several other features that I was critical on, were actually more masculine than mine! And (again... not to be cocky) my lips and eyes are actually a bit nicer than hers. Although she does have less natural body hair, bigger boobs, a bigger ass and better eyebrows (all of which I'm working on)... I actually (dare I say it?)... looked prettier and more like a female than she does in her "professionally shot" photos!

It was such a confidence booster!

It would be such a massive Karma rush if I actually got a job as a model or actress at some point and become more popular than the model that was hired for my position because of the way she looks!

Anyone looking for a transgender model or comedic actress?

Seriously though, after having my 15 minutes of fame as a rock-chick... I've been hoping to get back into the spotlight. I'm actually toying with the idea of approaching "The Walking Dead" to see if they want to add a transgender to the cast. Considering my bizarre yet relate-able personality... and the aspect that I'm trained in the martial arts... I think it would work out great for both them and myself.

Transgender Issues, Pain and Acceptance

I don't cry often... but today I did.

I cried a lot today... and truth be known, I've cried a lot lately.

I'm strong by nature, but considering everything that I've dealt with over the past year... which is far more that I spoke about on my blog or with anyone in my current circle...

I know that everyone has hard times in life... I too deal with those issues every day. But considering how hard the last year has been and then throwing in the aspect of loosing as much as I did from transgender prejudice and the aspect that I have NO ONE in my immediate circle to talk to about those issues... and let's be real... no one in my immediate circle wants to hear about the non-transgender issues either.

I keep hoping that there must be someone out there who really cares about who I really am, what I truly feel, and be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on... But with every passing day... that hope becomes less and less. I've always been a good person, putting others before myself and helping everyone that I could... but everyone in my life always seems to disappear whenever I'm in pain... whenever I need help... whenever I need a shoulder to cry on.

I've known that for a long time... but it still really hurts... and hurts more every day...

I cried today... and truth be known, I've cried a lot lately.

I will stick to my dream... but sometimes my reality is VERY painful... and today is one of those days.

My Thanksgiving and Holiday Season as a Transgender

My apologies to those who love the holiday season...

I used to love the holidays, but time and situations have made me very dreadful of them... and this year I'm dreading them more than ever.

I'll NEVER understand how relatives that live within a few miles of me have NEVER come over to visit (even though I moved back here because they said they wished I lived closer) and they NEVER even call me... yet on the holidays, they fake like they are interested in how I've been.

That's not who I am or how I was brought up. I ALWAYS visited my relatives to see how things were going in their lives and find out what they have been doing. I didn't wait for holidays and sincerely cared about how they were doing. That being said, even though my family asks how things are going, they really don't care or want to hear about it.

I dread going wherever I'm invited as I am not fake and never lie... but if I don't show up, everybody flips out. So how do I deal with the questions  of  "How are you doing?" and "How's the job?" (this year especially... where I don't have many good things to say about where my life is at).

I managed to survive Thanksgiving... and this is how I did it: Everybody has a tell (like in poker). As soon as I felt an uncomfortable question was about to come up, I'd go to the bathroom, or move on to another room.

It helped me get through it, but still pisses me off. Holidays should be happy times... not a plastic facade where we FAKE that we actually care about family members that we spend the rest of the year avoiding. I'd much rather stay at home by myself then deal with feigned love...

And this year... as much as I need a shoulder to cry on... I have to put on a fake smile and act like everything is OK... IT HURTS ME TO THE CORE that no one in my family really gives a F#CK about how I'm doing and/or what's REALLY going on in my life... And the few of those who do know the hell that I'm going through... who could actually help (and have often helped out others)... choose not to help me out.

Rewind on that: I've supported myself, without ANY help, since I was a kid (my mother made me work in an illegal sweat-shop when I was 14 so I could pay her "room and board"... so she could spend my father's support payments on herself and her mafia boyfriend). I never asked anyone for anything and even refused handouts when I could have used them... Yet when I'm at my very lowest, those who I'm always there for, are never there for me... and actually avoid talking with me.

The one plus side to all of this is... it makes it SO much easier for me to move away from this homophobic state and leave them all behind... I've finally come to the realization that as much as I've done for others... as much as I've been there to be the shoulder to cry on for EVERYONE who needed it... NO ONE gives a F#CK about anyone but themselves here... and I'm better off... and my kindness would be more appreciated... someplace else.

Peace out Massholes.