Transgender Acceptance

It's been a while since I posted here and although nothing has changed, everything has changed.

OK... Nothing has changed regrading the job situation, the neighbors, the family, and/or all of the other issues that I've been going through. They are still the same.

What has changed is my feelings towards all the issues. I just don't care anymore.

Yes, my neighbors and neighborhood sucks, but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.

Yes, my family and friends still make offensive comments but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.

I've even begun to react to the homophobic comments like "That's a cute blouse" with responses like "Thanks, I was going to wear makeup too, but didn't have the time to put it on"! It's kind of "win-win". They laugh and I'm also getting more confident with sharing my feminine side (although I know they are praying that I'm joking and hope that I would never wear makeup around them).

Yes, I still haven't found a full time job, but I'm still managing to pay my bills and am no longer freaking out about needing to rush back into the "corporate world". Right now, getting my head straight is priority number one.

Ironically, now that I have the luxury of being able to wear makeup almost every day and posting more pics, I've actually been doing both less than before. I used to post mainly for acceptance... so I could hear from others that I was "passable" as a female. As my self-acceptance has grown, I really don't find the need for the internet acceptance anymore (and I am getting tired of overly sexual comments from guys who, if they took the time to read about me, they wouldn't be trying to "hook-up" with me).

On that note, I went through Flickr today and set many of my older photos to "Friends Only". I'm OK sharing them with other T-girls, but no longer with the "general public". I set up an Instagram account recently and will be adding a new Facebook account too... so I can post things that matter to me... for those who like me for who I am on the inside as well.

Be You...
Embrace Who You Really Are...
And Be Happy.
Dee

Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 13 Days Later

A transgender woman recently posted on Instagram, "Sick of being stuck inside my head". I responded, "I empathize with you... I'm in that mode as well right now". The longer I stay within my house, the worse I become... the more I regress into my subconscious... the more fearful I am to venture out... and the less likely I am to change anything for the better.

Today I HAD to leave the house. I went with my brother and sister to visit my Mom up in Maine and take her out for brunch.

As it was the first time I'd be seeing my sister since coming out to her, I made sure that I was closely shaven and dressed in something a bit more feminine than she is used to seeing me in... yet not so feminine that I'd freak out my brother and mother. It was a fine line to walk. If I was to have her accept me, I wanted her to see me differently... to be able to visualize me as a woman... but didn't want to potentially ruin the day for the rest of my family members by having them say WTF?.

As always, my clothes were women's wear, but much less "tom-boy" than I usually wear around them. I opted to wear a tight-fitting, feminine sweater which clearly showed that my body is becoming more feminine... and my "pecks" were now "boobs"... and tight fitting, woman's cut khaki's.

Although I got a few awkward glances from each of my family members at various points, it didn't matter to me. Nor did it matter to the dozens of strangers that we went past over the couse of the day. If anything, I actually had more women checking me out than normal!

I allowed myself to be me for the day. Sure I didn't use my lady-voice or walk... but I still felt... and looked... pretty and feminine. For me, to be able to be that way in front of my entire family, without being paranoid about it, is a HUGE step in my transition.

Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 5 Days Later

Well it’s been 5 days since I came out to my sister and I’ve been a roller coaster of emotions. I pretty much came to the conclusion that she was overly freaked out with it, and that’s why the only response was the blank text. Even though I wished that I could finally be a sister to my sister, I pretty much gave up on that. I keep having random moments of anxiety where I’m reminded of all of the things that I blurted out and then ask myself "Why did I say that"?

Aside from that, my world has totally changed. I’m finally allowing myself to drop the “tom-boy” mentality in public… where I had to try to "think like a boy". By just finally coming out, whether I was accepted or not, it freed me of the anxiety of "What if they think I’m gay?" and "What if they know someone in my family and it gets back to them?"… It just doesn’t seem to mater to me as much anymore.

I’ve also been motivated to push through my confused states and moments of depression to accomplish what needs to be done (something that has been difficult for me to do lately).

After writing the previous… I went to the mailbox to find that I received a package from my sister. She sent me a very sweet inspirational card and a frame to put it in. Although obviously to make me feel better about what we had talked about, the note, card and follow up text message didn’t mention anything about me being transgender specifically... so as much as I’m trying to deal with it, I’m assuming she probably is too. 

By sending me that gift, I know now that she wasn’t so freaked out that she totally is walking away from me as a family member (something that some others in my family would have done). Although it seems that she’s not ready yet to really accept me as a sister yet, hopefully in time, that will change. I've always dreamed of having a sister to do sister things with!

As for now, I’m just really glad that she did something that thoughtful to show that she still cares… and really glad about being able to blossom as I have over the past few days.

Trangender Issues: Coming Out to Family - 2 Days Later

Well it's been 2 days since I admitted to anyone in my close inner circle that I'm transgender... and it's been 2 days of... "Holy Crap! Did I really do that?"... "So I guess I really just did that!"... "Why did I wait so long?"... "Should I tell more people?"... "Should I show her my blog or Flickr feeds?"

That being said, she was going to check back with me and didn't... Even though I know she's overly busy and working late this week, I just blurted out 50 years of repressed feelings to her... crying my eyes out... and, where I haven't heard from her since Sunday, I guess that I may freaked her out too much... But if it were me... and if someone that I loved called me up crying... saying that they lost their job, was transgender, and everything else that I blurted out... I wouldn't have been able to wait 2 days to call them back to see how they are doing... and/or if they were still alive at that point...

I'm starting to be reminded of how many of us DON'T have a support network that will accept us for who we are... and... WOW! It's sinking in that she is actually avoiding calling me back... I'll take the high road and apologize for freaking her out...

So I'll send her a text... apologizing... saying that I don't regret coming out to her after 50 years of holding it in... but I also realize that it may be to much for her to hear and if she doesn't want to talk about it I'll understand...

I just received a blank text as a response... I didn't know it was possible to send a blank text... Apparently, if you just pull up the text and hit send without writing anything, that's what happens... I guess it's supposed to mean you have nothing to say... I'm guessing that she's not embracing the fact that she has a new sister... So I guess that just happened...

Well... even though I'm in tears right now... it was kind of like buying a lottery ticket... For 2 days... I was imagining that maybe my life would be changed a bit for the better...

Now that reality has hit me hard again... I know... more than ever... It's time to move on... Even if she calls me back at some point... I know that she's really not cool with it. Was her reaction on Sunday was just the plastic face that everyone in my family puts on before they avoid and ridicule you? I hope not.

Oh well... At least I finally came out and tried to stay in the family... Now I can move on... It really hurts... but it drives me even more to find somewhere else... far away from my past... somewhere where I hopefully can be happy.

Please don't let this discourage you. Some families are actually understanding than mine. I don't regret coming out... It's something that I should have done years ago... and I'm glad that I finally told someone in my family that I am transgender.

   

Transgender Issues - Coming Out to Family

Holy Shit!   Is this real? 

My sister was asking to meet up with me for coffee for a while now and I've been dreading it, as I don't like lying to people and wasn't ready to tell her about loosing my job.

As she is is frequently inundated with people pouring their hearts upon her shoulder, I sent her a message saying that I couldn't meet up as I didn't want to lie about how great thing were and would contact her once things were going better. She, being the awesome person she is, wanted me to call her back.

I started to admit to her about losing my job... and how I was fearful of even leaving my house at this point to look for work... and it somehow transitioned into a discussion about me being Transgender!

She was UNBELIEVABLY cool about it! We then talked for 3 hours about what my next steps should be.

Time Warp Back: When I was a little girl, my sister was always my role model... my mentor... and who I wanted to emulate. At some point, that all changed and we grew apart. I SO wanted to tell her who I was and longed to have a sister to share girlie things with, but never did.

In the last 3 hours, I blurted out decades worth of shit that I was dying to say to her... and she was SO COOL WITH IT ALL! As we talked I was going through my Flickr stuff and I remarked about how my "female me" that I posted online was so much cuter than what she's used to seeing (I was tempted to send her this pic... but didn't yet... as I don't want to totally overload her).

OK... even though I had two drinks (obviously not drunk), I also asked her to text me back to confirm that I actually came out to her and she is cool  with it! As I am typing this, she is texting me back... Yup! It's Real! HOLY SHIT! Love her so much! 

I just texted her back with this inquisitive question: "Why didn't we talk about this years ago?" along with her thoughts of having a sister named Jill (Yes Jill... That's my REAL new name). She agreed that Jill is a good choice for me! 

My bad! I've spent SO MANY YEARS worried about what other people's feelings would be about me being female... when deep down... I knew that the people who truly love me wouldn't care. Maybe it's time to let me be me and finally allow myself to be happy?

Be you.
Be Happy.
Dee

Dee Burke - Spring Update

Although many things in my personal life have gotten more difficult and gloomy since the job loss, there are a few positive notes:

1.     Since I'm already stressed and not able to do much that's productive, I decided to quit smoking. Why quit smoking when my life is at a low point? I NEED to do something positive... and considering I'm already in so much pain... why not add a little more if it means that at least something positive will come out of this horrific time in my life?
2.     I'm becoming so much more confident in displaying my "girlie mode" in public. I've been taking daily walks with my dog and practicing my more feminine walk in public... and at this point, I actually feel very comfortable with my feminine mannerisms... so much so that it feels natural now... even around people I know... which leads me to point number 3...
3.     I'm VERY close to coming out in a major way to everyone I know. I'm thinking that I may just do a new Facebook account under my new "girlie name" and posting something on the current account saying who I really am and then saying "If you still want to be my friend then you are welcome to friend me at the new account". I know it may sound extreme, but if I were to just disappear (like I originally planed on doing), I know the rumors would be worse than the truth... so I'd rather do it under my conditions... and in my own words.

Something that surprises me though is... now that I actually can wear makeup every day and take photos more often... I wear makeup and take take photos much less often that before. I guess it has to do with the lack of motivation to do much of anything at this point... because I definitely feel much more feminine than I ever have before... and that's the best positive note of all!

Here is one series that I did mange to take:

I have been motivated in some areas however, including my laser treatments... which after 3 years FINALLY seem to be getting me closer to being hair-free.

Oh... Final Side Note: I've also let go of my fear of wearing what I considered being things that are "overly girlie" in public. Although I still don't wear dresses or spike heels around neighbors, friends and/or family, I have been going out wearing VERY feminine blouses/tops, jeans, shoes/boots... etc...

Basically, if need to leave the house to walk the dog or go to the store now, I just go out in whatever I have on at the time (unless it's a dress). I've stopped worrying about -- or caring about -- what others may say or think. Surprisingly, I haven't gotten one negative comment or glare. I guess it's due to my gradual transformation into androgyny, along with my new found self-confidence in my femininity and the fact that I really don't care anymore. It's so freeing and so liberating to be who I truly am.

Be you... Happiness will eventually come...
Dee