Trangender Goals Update

Only a few days into the new year and I'm making HUGE strides in my promises to myself...

Phasing out non-TG friendly companies put a bit of a strain on the wallet, but it has allowed me to regain my sense of self... and has also allowed me to have a whole new outlook on my life.

I'm now finding it SO much easier to simplify (probably because I'm a lot less stressed out). I'm also much more relaxed (more that I've allowed myself to be in the past six years) and don't stress out (as much) over the things that I have no control over.

The things that I DO have control over -- mainly becoming who I really want to be -- are also being taken to new heights:

• +1 is now F3: As I haven't done +1 every day and I'm looking to simplify, I've decided that I'm going to make 3 steps each day towards totally feminizing myself. Some are major +1 bold moves, some are less bold steps. The less bold steps include things like body toning, hair removal and "other girlie things" that I can do to make myself feel feminine (I won't go into details... but some of them have been VERY... Mmm!). Whatever it is, I'm going to become more feminine with each day.

• Ala-fem is Ala smooth: As painful as it sometimes is... and as much of a pain in the ass as it is... I'm going full out on the laser hair removal (hoping to look androgynous before summer).  This means being brave enough to handle the forearms too (not an easy feat for an Italian!). It's been about a year and a half so far... and I'll be SO happy to see myself in the mirror not looking so "male". This is a BIG step, as previous treatments have left some areas "spotty" with hair... something which will be VERY obvious (and very creepy looking) come tee shirt time if all does not go well! Wish me luck! It would SO suck if I had to wear long sleeves all summer long!

Side note: Between my heightened confidence and being able to wear more concealing (albeit very feminine)  winter clothing, doing the "other girlie things" are so much easier -- and SO much more fun -- this winter than ever before! :) :) ;) :)

Deep In Transgender Dreamland

I love waking up after having a vivid dream of transitioning.

I cherish each moment remembered, both the good and the bad… and then for the rest of the day, I replay it in my mind, trying to figure out what each part meant.

When I was younger, my transitioning dreams would usually involve me being horrified by "getting caught" a-la-fem... but now when that happens in my dreams, I'm OK with it... until I notice something totally stupid to worry about... like the fact that I forgot to tuck the hanging strap thing back into the top... and then I become horrified!

Transgender Family and Work Issues

It’s been 10 days since I received my lovely, thoughtful, Christmas present from job # 2... my Layoff Notice. Today, at the same job (a nursing home), most of the dementia and Alzheimer’s patients were more of a challenge than usual… and some were downright mean (it happens on bad weather days)… then I find out that the same job just hired ANOTHER PERSON... from OUTSIDE THE COMPANY -- who was far less qualified than me -- to fill a good position... that I previously applied for. (I was told by a fellow employee that the reason was that I didn't fit the "company image" (read between the lines here). Once again, I bit my tongue until I left work.

This is the SECOND TIME that this happened IN LESS THAN 6 MONTHS! I was REALLY pissed off and needed to vent to someone!

My mom totally ignored the news of my layoff and loss of the promotions as she was more concerned about trying to pry information from me about how my brother is doing… So I went to discuss it with another person, who I thought of as a close family member / friend. He rolled his eyes and quickly changed the subject. He obviously didn’t want to hear about my life falling apart.

I gracefully went through the motions of faking enthusiasm as he rambled on about his fantasy dreams about what he will do when he wins the lottery… as yet another part of my soul was ripped away and died.

I felt SO ALL ALONE… everything is falling apart… and no one cares. This was not self-pity… it was -- and is -- the reality of my life. I’ve always known that I’ve always been -- and always will be -- alone. But considering that I’m always EVERYBODY’S shoulder to cry on… I was hoping that... for once in my life... it was going to be reciprocated... but I was wrong.

As I drove home, I was literally screaming at myself in the car about how stupid I was -- and am -- being. “YOU ALREADY SAID THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WORK FOR A COMPANY THAT WOULD LAY SOMEONE OFF ON CHRISTMAS EVE!”… “YOU KNEW NONE CARES ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON WITH YOU SO WHY ARE YOU LETTING THIS BOTHER YOU?”

I’m at home now. 

I am -- for now -- over the anger… but I find my eyes overfilled from the tears that I’m now crying. The reality is… if I ever want to become truly happy… I need to walk away from the people that don’t appreciate the good will I’ve extended to them… especially if they refuse to reciprocate, when needed. I’ve known for a long time who -- and what -- I have to cut out of my life… but it still REALLY hurts to let go of the past. 

  

This butterfly has got to fly... far, far away.

Something I wish that I did a long time ago...

Transgender Goals: From the Ashes Rises the Butterfly!

Last January seems like it was 5 years ago… It was a long, challenging year.

Going into 2015, I was already worn out (mentally and physically) from working an average of 80 hours per week (and the horrendous working environment at Job #2)… then, several unexpected and traumatic issues arose. I am a very strong person by nature, but the overwhelming stress of all the negative events seemed insurmountable at times.

As one of my goals was to be a “Ray of Sunshine”, I opted to NOT discuss my pain or the stress of these issues with friends or family because I didn’t want to bring anyone down. I was on my own to handle the pain… and find some way to resolve each issue before my life spiraled out of control.

With my only diversion being my steadfast focus on my current and future goals, I rose to handle and resolve each challenge. Although the year was hard to endure, believe it or not, I’m glad I went through it. It allowed me to have the courage to walk away from many aspects of my life that were poisonous to whom I am and who I want to be. It also pushed me to accomplish (for the most part) all of the goals that I had set for myself 12 months ago.

Moving forward, I’m more optimistic about the upcoming year than ever before. You know the saying: “From the ashes rises the Phoenix?” I’ve been here before… life changing years where I arise from the ashes, filled with a fire to rebuild my life for the better. Throughout the past year, however, my “Type A”, workaholic personality was forced to become a “Type B” (long story... is there a Type B?) and I think it will be a welcome change if I don’t stress myself out over every little thing! So this time, “From the ashes rises the butterfly!”(Albeit, the strongest, most determined butterfly you've ever met)

My 2016 goals are simple:

1. Actually, that’s the first goal! Simplify! I need to stop stressing myself out by trying to be everything to everyone. I need to do what needs to be done but also realize when to take some time to relax and enjoy my life.
2. Keep pushing to become who I really want to be. (This is really my first goal… but the Simplify! thing was a good tie-in to the previous line)
3. Phase out / don’t work -- at or for -- any company who discriminates in policies, raises and/or promotions to those in the LBGT community. I will seek LBGT friendly companies to do my internet marketing and website design for (my first job) and will only seek transgender friendly employers for additional -- or full time -- income if needed.

I wish you all a successful 2016 and the strength to pursue what truly makes you happy.

Be You… Be Happy…
Dee