Transgender Issues, Pain and Acceptance

I don't cry often... but today I did.

I cried a lot today... and truth be known, I've cried a lot lately.

I'm strong by nature, but considering everything that I've dealt with over the past year... which is far more that I spoke about on my blog or with anyone in my current circle...

I know that everyone has hard times in life... I too deal with those issues every day. But considering how hard the last year has been and then throwing in the aspect of loosing as much as I did from transgender prejudice and the aspect that I have NO ONE in my immediate circle to talk to about those issues... and let's be real... no one in my immediate circle wants to hear about the non-transgender issues either.

I keep hoping that there must be someone out there who really cares about who I really am, what I truly feel, and be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on... But with every passing day... that hope becomes less and less. I've always been a good person, putting others before myself and helping everyone that I could... but everyone in my life always seems to disappear whenever I'm in pain... whenever I need help... whenever I need a shoulder to cry on.

I've known that for a long time... but it still really hurts... and hurts more every day...

I cried today... and truth be known, I've cried a lot lately.

I will stick to my dream... but sometimes my reality is VERY painful... and today is one of those days.

My Thanksgiving and Holiday Season as a Transgender

My apologies to those who love the holiday season...

I used to love the holidays, but time and situations have made me very dreadful of them... and this year I'm dreading them more than ever.

I'll NEVER understand how relatives that live within a few miles of me have NEVER come over to visit (even though I moved back here because they said they wished I lived closer) and they NEVER even call me... yet on the holidays, they fake like they are interested in how I've been.

That's not who I am or how I was brought up. I ALWAYS visited my relatives to see how things were going in their lives and find out what they have been doing. I didn't wait for holidays and sincerely cared about how they were doing. That being said, even though my family asks how things are going, they really don't care or want to hear about it.

I dread going wherever I'm invited as I am not fake and never lie... but if I don't show up, everybody flips out. So how do I deal with the questions  of  "How are you doing?" and "How's the job?" (this year especially... where I don't have many good things to say about where my life is at).

I managed to survive Thanksgiving... and this is how I did it: Everybody has a tell (like in poker). As soon as I felt an uncomfortable question was about to come up, I'd go to the bathroom, or move on to another room.

It helped me get through it, but still pisses me off. Holidays should be happy times... not a plastic facade where we FAKE that we actually care about family members that we spend the rest of the year avoiding. I'd much rather stay at home by myself then deal with feigned love...

And this year... as much as I need a shoulder to cry on... I have to put on a fake smile and act like everything is OK... IT HURTS ME TO THE CORE that no one in my family really gives a F#CK about how I'm doing and/or what's REALLY going on in my life... And the few of those who do know the hell that I'm going through... who could actually help (and have often helped out others)... choose not to help me out.

Rewind on that: I've supported myself, without ANY help, since I was a kid (my mother made me work in an illegal sweat-shop when I was 14 so I could pay her "room and board"... so she could spend my father's support payments on herself and her mafia boyfriend). I never asked anyone for anything and even refused handouts when I could have used them... Yet when I'm at my very lowest, those who I'm always there for, are never there for me... and actually avoid talking with me.

The one plus side to all of this is... it makes it SO much easier for me to move away from this homophobic state and leave them all behind... I've finally come to the realization that as much as I've done for others... as much as I've been there to be the shoulder to cry on for EVERYONE who needed it... NO ONE gives a F#CK about anyone but themselves here... and I'm better off... and my kindness would be more appreciated... someplace else.

Peace out Massholes.

Transgender Worries, Issues, Employment and Goals

I've been in Hell in the past few weeks since my last post... nightmares every night and my self-doubt is the worst I ever remember having. It's been all about survival vs happiness for me. On top of the other issues that you may have read about in transitioning, finding and keeping a job that pays the bills is probably the most horrific for me.

Should I give up my goal of becoming female, or do I keep putting myself through this torment in hopes that I will be able to eventually find a job and location where I will be accepted for who I truly am?

I've done some heavy, painful soul-searching... reviewing my entire life... and now realize more than ever... that even if I'm paying my bills and mortgage, I'll be miserable if I don't stay true to my goals.

Today I spend the entire day practicing tips that I found on the internet about overcoming my "overly male" attributes... mainly vocals and walking/blending in as a real woman.

If I'm going to be happy again someday... I need to be me...
Dee