Transgender Issues - Suicidal at Family Party

Sorry this isn't a rosy post...

Today rates very low on the emotional scale.

On a day when my Agoraphobia is EXTREMELY high, I force myself to go to a "Going  Away Party" for a nephew who was moving to Colorado... I want to be there for support, as his mother is one of the few people that is always there for me when I need support... and I knew know this would be a devastating day for her.

That being said, upon arriving, I am instantly bombarded with family members who apparently are not here for support... they just came to whine about how bad their lives were.

I really want to leave, but feel I can not. I talk privately with each family member and try to help them with their issues (which were far less traumatic than what my sister-in-law and I were currently experiencing).

I keep checking the time on my cell phone... I must have been here 5 hours... OMG! Only 2??? DAMN!!!

A fiend of mine that's a local cop walks in to bid his farewells to my nephew. I stare at his gun... contemplating if I could pry it from the Velcro protector strap and use it to blow my brains out... SERIOUSLY. This is my mind set. For 10 minutes I try to talk myself out of ending my life. I convince myself that I can't do it now... considering how hard the day already was going to be for my sister-in-law. I go back to faking the happy guy emotions... being the "wacky uncle and brother".

I endure more criticism and shallow attitudes, something that on this day is even harder to bear. Eventually, everyone leaves except for my brother, sister-in-law and me. I stay to clean up, realizing that my sister-in-law is in rough shape and shouldn't be doing that at this point.

As I'm cleaning, I turn to her and try to offer some calming insight: "If you don't mind me saying..." She interrupts my positive comment with the rebuttal of, "What? Your gay?"

WOW!!!  I'm so insulted and so tempted to say, "No, I'm not Gay, I'm a Transgender". She goes on to give additional insults. I take a deep breaths and gather my thoughts. I force myself to try to ignore her and continue to lend positive support... telling myself that she is only being harsh because she was devastated by her oldest child moving far away...

I hope she feels better now... I hope my insights helped... But as of this moment... Being back home... alone and miserable... I really wish I took that gun and blew my brains out. NO ONE in my inner circle gives a fuck about (or wants to hear about) what I'm going through... and I've been feeling so hopeless lately... like no matter what I do to change my life, it just -- and I just -- keep getting worse.

I'm so glad of who I've become. I'm so glad of how strong and how brave I've been... but there are some days... like today... where when there is no hope to brighten my day, a crippling darkness falls upon me.

Sorry this wasn't a rosy post... but I think that it important to express all sides of transition.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Transgender Acceptance

It's been a while since I posted here and although nothing has changed, everything has changed.

OK... Nothing has changed regrading the job situation, the neighbors, the family, and/or all of the other issues that I've been going through. They are still the same.

What has changed is my feelings towards all the issues. I just don't care anymore.

Yes, my neighbors and neighborhood sucks, but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.

Yes, my family and friends still make offensive comments but I don't care what they think about me anymore. I'm going to be me so deal with it or ignore me.

I've even begun to react to the homophobic comments like "That's a cute blouse" with responses like "Thanks, I was going to wear makeup too, but didn't have the time to put it on"! It's kind of "win-win". They laugh and I'm also getting more confident with sharing my feminine side (although I know they are praying that I'm joking and hope that I would never wear makeup around them).

Yes, I still haven't found a full time job, but I'm still managing to pay my bills and am no longer freaking out about needing to rush back into the "corporate world". Right now, getting my head straight is priority number one.

Ironically, now that I have the luxury of being able to wear makeup almost every day and posting more pics, I've actually been doing both less than before. I used to post mainly for acceptance... so I could hear from others that I was "passable" as a female. As my self-acceptance has grown, I really don't find the need for the internet acceptance anymore (and I am getting tired of overly sexual comments from guys who, if they took the time to read about me, they wouldn't be trying to "hook-up" with me).

On that note, I went through Flickr today and set many of my older photos to "Friends Only". I'm OK sharing them with other T-girls, but no longer with the "general public". I set up an Instagram account recently and will be adding a new Facebook account too... so I can post things that matter to me... for those who like me for who I am on the inside as well.

Be You...
Embrace Who You Really Are...
And Be Happy.
Dee