A Bit of Who I Am and Why I Created the Blog
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who am I?
I’m a HUGE believer in the “do unto others as they would do unto you” thing. I would like to believe that Karma is real…
I tend to be analytical (I over-think everything), but my creative side (music, art and photography) balances it out.
I am a huge music fan (former musician) who likes everything from the 1930’s to today’s stuff, but prefer something edgy and/or with a good beat.
Who am I?
I’m a HUGE believer in the “do unto others as they would do unto you” thing. I would like to believe that Karma is real…
I tend to be analytical (I over-think everything), but my creative side (music, art and photography) balances it out.
I am a huge music fan (former musician) who likes everything from the 1930’s to today’s stuff, but prefer something edgy and/or with a good beat.
My other interests are just as diverse. (I love cities but also need quite time in snow-covered woods or at the beach… I love meeting new people yet prefer sometimes to be alone… etc…)
I am a lifelong transgender in my first year of HRT.
I'm not overly feminine and have never been attracted to guys, so I guess I would describe myself as a lesbian tomboy with the male hardware still installed.
I'm not overly feminine and have never been attracted to guys, so I guess I would describe myself as a lesbian tomboy with the male hardware still installed.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Story… The Reason for the Blog:
Although born male, I've always felt like a girl. Ever since I was about 3 or 4 years old, I was putting on girlie clothes whenever I had the opportunity... and/or bravery to do so… because I wanted to be pretty.
I didn’t dare let ANYONE know about my feminine leanings out of fear. I was brought up to believe that being gay was a bad and evil thing (back then, even though I knew I wasn't gay, I still didn't know what transgender was). I can recall many instances of my farther yelling at me whenever I did anything girlie or showed ANY compassion towards others… and recall many instances of him trying to force me into his idea of “manliness”… even after my mom divorced him.
In Elementary School, I wanted to be "one of the girls". But back then, in that school, hanging out with girls was frowned upon and got me into a lot of fights. I was also jealous of their pretty skirts and dresses. I often found myself counting the minutes until I could go home and slip into girlie clothes, so I could look and feel like a real girl again (fortunately for me, my other family members were often not home when I got back from school). I also frequently skipped school just so I could be a girl for the day.
When I was 8 or 9, I set up a “cubby” in our attic where I could go (after everyone got home) and put on girlie outfits, play with dolls and everything else I wouldn’t dare do in front of my parents or siblings.
My mom suspected something was “wrong” at some point because when I about 14, she said she was going out one night, but was really hiding in her room, trying to “catch me in the act”. When she saw me sneaking into her room to borrow some lingerie, she began to scream hysterically… for over an hour… no words… just screaming… over and over… My older brother finally calmed her down… and I’m not sure if she ever told him… but she refused to talk to me about it… and… after that night, nothing was ever said about it again… Needless to say, as of the writing of this, I have never been able to discuss my feminine side with my family considering their reaction that day.
I moved out at an early age and was finally able to allow myself to dress, feel and be who I wanted to be… without having to feel guilty about being who I am. I was a long-haired musician with a wide array of friends who accepted me for who I was. I became more self-confident, which allowed me to wear almost anything when I went out, which was usually something that I purchased from the woman’s department (although I think my friends would have drawn the line if I showed up in a dress).
Fast forward to recent times:
For reasons of stupidity (taking bad advice) I bought a house in a “less-than-tolerant city”... Far too close to family and associates who prefer to gossip and/or joke about cross-dressing or transitioning rather than trying to find out why we need to do it…
Although I still lived as a “girl” 24/7, I was (and still am, to a point) forced to fake the guy role during the day (no make-up, no “over-tweezing”, only wearing female clothing that looks like men’s wear, etc). Except for a few Halloween or costume parties, I never venture from the house in full girlie mode anymore.
The months and years that followed my move became miserable and forced me into a long process of denial, guilt, fear and every emotion you can imagine. I finally stopped lying to myself and took a serious look at my life and what truly has made me happy (and miserable) throughout it.
The short version is… I’ve ALWAYS felt like a girl… long before puberty kicked in… so I know it’s not a “sexual perversion” as I was wrongly taught. Its just part of who I am. If I TRULY felt throughout my ENTIRE life that I was born into the wrong gender… I need to accept it, and love myself for who I am.
I knew there had to be others out there who felt like I did so I (somewhat recently) checked on the Internet. I found numerous postings from others who have traveled a similar road and were brave enough to share their journeys with the world. They helped to accept myself for who I am so I decided to create this blog... hoping to help others as well.
Although born male, I've always felt like a girl. Ever since I was about 3 or 4 years old, I was putting on girlie clothes whenever I had the opportunity... and/or bravery to do so… because I wanted to be pretty.
I didn’t dare let ANYONE know about my feminine leanings out of fear. I was brought up to believe that being gay was a bad and evil thing (back then, even though I knew I wasn't gay, I still didn't know what transgender was). I can recall many instances of my farther yelling at me whenever I did anything girlie or showed ANY compassion towards others… and recall many instances of him trying to force me into his idea of “manliness”… even after my mom divorced him.
In Elementary School, I wanted to be "one of the girls". But back then, in that school, hanging out with girls was frowned upon and got me into a lot of fights. I was also jealous of their pretty skirts and dresses. I often found myself counting the minutes until I could go home and slip into girlie clothes, so I could look and feel like a real girl again (fortunately for me, my other family members were often not home when I got back from school). I also frequently skipped school just so I could be a girl for the day.
When I was 8 or 9, I set up a “cubby” in our attic where I could go (after everyone got home) and put on girlie outfits, play with dolls and everything else I wouldn’t dare do in front of my parents or siblings.
My mom suspected something was “wrong” at some point because when I about 14, she said she was going out one night, but was really hiding in her room, trying to “catch me in the act”. When she saw me sneaking into her room to borrow some lingerie, she began to scream hysterically… for over an hour… no words… just screaming… over and over… My older brother finally calmed her down… and I’m not sure if she ever told him… but she refused to talk to me about it… and… after that night, nothing was ever said about it again… Needless to say, as of the writing of this, I have never been able to discuss my feminine side with my family considering their reaction that day.
I moved out at an early age and was finally able to allow myself to dress, feel and be who I wanted to be… without having to feel guilty about being who I am. I was a long-haired musician with a wide array of friends who accepted me for who I was. I became more self-confident, which allowed me to wear almost anything when I went out, which was usually something that I purchased from the woman’s department (although I think my friends would have drawn the line if I showed up in a dress).
Fast forward to recent times:
For reasons of stupidity (taking bad advice) I bought a house in a “less-than-tolerant city”... Far too close to family and associates who prefer to gossip and/or joke about cross-dressing or transitioning rather than trying to find out why we need to do it…
Although I still lived as a “girl” 24/7, I was (and still am, to a point) forced to fake the guy role during the day (no make-up, no “over-tweezing”, only wearing female clothing that looks like men’s wear, etc). Except for a few Halloween or costume parties, I never venture from the house in full girlie mode anymore.
The months and years that followed my move became miserable and forced me into a long process of denial, guilt, fear and every emotion you can imagine. I finally stopped lying to myself and took a serious look at my life and what truly has made me happy (and miserable) throughout it.
The short version is… I’ve ALWAYS felt like a girl… long before puberty kicked in… so I know it’s not a “sexual perversion” as I was wrongly taught. Its just part of who I am. If I TRULY felt throughout my ENTIRE life that I was born into the wrong gender… I need to accept it, and love myself for who I am.
I knew there had to be others out there who felt like I did so I (somewhat recently) checked on the Internet. I found numerous postings from others who have traveled a similar road and were brave enough to share their journeys with the world. They helped to accept myself for who I am so I decided to create this blog... hoping to help others as well.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Road Ahead:
Finding myself is not and will not be the answer to every
problem in life. There are still the daily stresses to deal with, but there is
also a lot of stress about the road ahead.
I recently started HRT, but had to cut back on the dosages
as the body changes were starting to become noticeable. I want to continue the
process but this means I will also have to finally confront family and my
current circle of friends in the near future. I will also need to find a source
of employment that is a bit more “transgender friendly”.
Big steps. Scary steps. But as hard as it will be, I am
willing to endure the hardships to become at peace with myself and who I really
am.
